PARIS

Hey guys...I'm writing from an internet Cafe in Paris right now...Crazy huh. My mom's been living here and they gave us two weeks off from shooting so she flew me out for some shopping. I would have mentioned it but it was a birthday surprise! You have no idea how beautiful the clothes are here....and expensive...but mom seems to be doing alright for herself out here...plus i have those nice fat pay checks burning a hole in my pocket. Anywho...mom is waiting for me so i have to go...will post a good long one as soon as i get back into the country. No idea what my weight might be as there is no scale accessible to me, but my mother eats nothing and i have obediently followed suit...should be ok!!! TTYL ladies, miss you....stay in it to win it!!!!

Concern

Set was a disaster today. Our usual AD was sick...and let me just tell you what a fucking difference a good AD makes. We were soooo slow. We usually average about 5 or 6 pages a day, which is pretty good from what i've experienced. Today we barely made it through two pages. He was a moron and i had low blood sugar because I was 110 today, a double digit, and i had to fast as i am done with the double digits...i think if i have to maintain (or attempt to maintain) it should at least be out of the double digits. 

I really love your comments ladies. And you are very right, a huge part of it is self control and being able to control something as basic as our own bodies. We are all perfectionists who want to find ways to better ourselves, obsessively...and there's a lot of anxiety associated with a constant pressure to one-up yourself. By losing weight on a daily or weekly basis, its like we are bettering ourselves without having to achieve huge, frightening feats. We are in control of our lives. I want to be the best version of me....you've heard that in a billion of our blogs. BECAUSE ITS TRUE, but if you're an outsider then you have no idea what it actually means. Good enough is not enough for us. Its unfortunate but true and its associated with the anxiety. I hate to generalize and i completely acknowledge that this is not true of everyone, but a lot of us come from privileged homes, where there was always food and love. We had attentive parents so there wasn't a lot to complain about. We are driven by default. There are some people who can handle having things and being lucky, but ana's girls have to earn things. If we've been given such a wonderful education and so much nurturing and love, we better fucking do something awesome with it! If you are this kind of person...you just are...the anxiety won't go away otherwise, not for me anyway. If I suck at everything else, at least i am in complete control of my body. 

I'm not crazy though. I get it, i choose it. Your concern is not appreciated. I'm sorry to be blunt but if you would like me to keep answering your questions...check it at the door. I am what i am and i am this way having tried all the other ways of being. Look what i have here! I haven't ever been this happy i don't think...not ever. Which is why I'm thinking of getting a new trainer. I'm not sure i should be around J anymore. Getting close to someone would only result in some kind of pain or heartbreak or i'll get to know her and despise her. Regardless, people must be kept at a distance. Even you my dear friends. 

Our Ana

On set...break time. The swim suit incident appears to have passed...though the producers are looking rather jumpy today. I hate how they hang out on the set...as if something might, at any moment, catch fire and they are the only two capable of putting it out. And ha, no, at the very least i have not violated my FAT CLAUSE! We are currently shooting episode 3...and there has really been no break or hold in production for this economic crisis the studio seems to be going through. A lot of shows on the lot have been cancelled and not a lot of new shows have been optioned. This recession sucks!!!!

 I have decided to hold on to ana...but make a valiant effort to slow her down. I do want to continue doing this show...especially if its the only big acting gig i ever get...i'll at least have finished it and be able to own a dvd set with me in it! After that, ana can take over! 

-S.rider...your question...what do we love about ana?

It's a hard question to answer under such general terms. I don't really know what everyone loves about ana...but i know what i love about her and i assume that its similar for a lot of people here. See, its not really that i love her, its that i wasn't a real human without her. I think that might be a common factor in a lot of us ana lovers. We love her because we were just empty vessels before her. She makes us strong and resilient. I have a severe anxiety disorder and it is chemical...its in my blood, i worry, way more then the average person. Before ana i was floundering around, no direction, terrified of EVERYTHING. Therapy can make you examine your relationships, your habits, past events...but not an inherent genetic flaw like overwhelming panic. Ana took my panicked self, shook her, told her to toughen up and gave her rules to live by. Yes, they are strict, sometimes deathly rules, but they are rules that make me function and feel good. Being empty takes my anxiety down a notch in a way no SSRI or Valium or therapy could. Running on a treadmill is way fucking better then any upper i've ever had, and the elated  feeling i get when i look at the scale and the numbers are lower trump any and all coping mechanism psychotherapists have made me practice over the years. You see people...by throwing us into asylums and hospitals it doesn't save us. It makes you feel better because we have been dealt with...because you don't understand what its like to HAVE to go to such extremes to be able to function, or love yourself. And we all come back to it, because believe it or not, ana is better to us then you are. You want to hide us, ana wants to teach us to live. You want to call us sick and ana calls us strong...no one ever called us strong..but she does. We can be different people with ana....so i guess thats my answer. I hope it made sense. You can ask follow-ups if you want!

-girls, feel free to throw something in if i missed!!! stay in it to win it little ladies :)

Books and films

Hey ladies, so i've promised a couple people that i would make a list of my fav ana related books and movies! Here it is:

I'll start with books...some of these are ana novels, some just relating to weight loss in a way i found inspiring.

1) WASTED by Marya Hornbacher

2)  SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT by Deborah Hautzig

3) STICK FIGURE by Lori Gottlieb

4) THE BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD by Steven Levenkron

5) FAT CHANCE by Leslea Newman

6) PERFECT by Natasha Friend

7) LIFE IN THE FAT LANE by Cheri Bennet

8) MASSIVE by Julia Bell

9) DIARY OF AN EXERCISE ADDICT by Peach Friedman

10) INSATIABLE by Eve Eliot

and i think thats all i got for now...if you have any more feel free to comment and i'll add them!!!

MOVIES:

1) HBO's THIN

2) A SECRET BETWEEN FRIENDS 

3) NADIA

4) PERFECT BODY

5) FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY

6) SHARING THE SECRET (my fav and it stars Allison Lohman) 

7) HUNGER POINT

8) KATE'S SECRET

9) DYING TO BE THIN

10) CATHERINE

11) DYING TO DANCE

hmmmm, i know there are more. Oh well, add to my list if you like, i will update it, i promise! 

stay in it to win it little ladies :)

Cannot

Cannot function without ana...I was a baby that popped out of my mothers vagina with what the majority of people would call an "eating disorder." I either eat nothing at all or everything in sight. Perhaps my mothers judgmental nature fostered these habits...but i distinctly remember being 6 and being on the playground on an afternoon i had not eaten my lunch and feeling elated and superior. Its just me. I mean, i'm sick...or i'm a new version of normal. But you are right and i need to hide my inner monster from the rest of the world. I picked a stupid career for hiding. How do i do this? How do i allow myself to get slightly larger....this is such a foreign concept to me. I know how to gain weight...i've done it in 4 of the top eating disorder facilities in the country. What i don't know is how to maintain a weight...any weight. Perhaps you think i'm exaggerating...but i really have absolutely no idea how to stay the same weight. If i eat what another skinny, normal person eats, i get fat. I don't know why...maybe a slow metabolism or maybe i was just blessed with fat genes. I always just figure...if i can't stay the same, if i have to go one way or the other, then at least pick the smart direction and go down. And i don't really care if i die from it...thats not the issue. It's living with the shame of it in front of people now. I'm just being honest. And I don't know what i'll do. Cause i'm fucking NOT quitting, i love my job. But its my job. Its a great job and i like to do it and i'll keep doing it as long as they want me and then when they don't want me anymore i won't ball up into a corner and cry...nope...i won't care because i still have something...something more important. Sorry to burst your bubble guys, this is just me. 

can we still be friends? Sorry to be so blunt, but you guys matter a lot to me...and i don't wanna be alone. I hate being alone but i hate people and you guys being out there and commenting and writing makes me feel not alone in a way i can somehow handle- stay in it to win it lovely ladies! you are my saviors. 

Bikini

Wore a bikini...everyone said i looked bony, but in a "we're all very concerned for you" way. Unless that's my fear and i'm projecting it onto them. But today, literally every single person on set and their mother said i looked thin...or rail thin...or frail...or delicate. Kinda frightening. Felt like this big secret was suddenly out of the bag and like everyone in the room was whispering about me. It was a terrible day...i don't really want to talk about it. Cancelled my session with J today and stayed home, reading blogs and eating...a lot. I ate an entire carton of fro yo, a bag of bakers chocolate chips, my dad's leftover pizza, two beers and gummy worms...a shit ton of gummy worms. Puke till i cried (not a pretty girl looking back at me through the mirror) and got very stoned. I am afraid to lose more weight and risk actual concern...but to stop would kill me, or the spirit of me. I love this more then anything, more then acting, more then my own father. You don't choose who you love right? I love ana.