huh?

Dr. Phil...?/?//? seriously??? Are you a fucking lunatic? Why don't you go find one of the hundreds of girls on here whose careers wouldn't be completely DECIMATED by going on your little talk show. That being said, NEVER go on talk shows ladies. Those and reality tv are the most abusive, truth-distorting, ABOMINATIONS in this town. I literally went on an audition for a reality show when i moved out here....an AUDITION. That means that there's nothing real about them at all!!!! They cast it full of attractive people (a lot of the time attractive doesnt even matter) who are so desperate for attention that they look past the fine print....the part where it says the studio/production can lie about you, cut the footage to make it look like you are the most henious person in the world, not come through and give you whatever reward was promised and pretty much destroy your lives in the process. So I repeat....FUCK NO!

Ok, on to more important matters. I didn't get a callback or the part. I spent all of Sunday sitting by the phone biting my lip (which now has a huge welt on the inside) and nothing...nada. I am trying very hard not to believe that this had anything to do with the 10+ pounds I have yet to shave off, though the thought has entered my mind. I did, however, get a call today from the casting director....the one with the glistening eyes. She wants me to come in for an audition for another "thing" (can't be too specific) she's working on right now. I'm gonna go, if for no other reason then I am so bored I could die right now and it'll give me something to focus on :)

The audition is on Friday so I'm on a 4 day fast til then. Day one went ok, day two is proving more difficult. I'm not going to weigh myself til Friday morning because sometimes I think that getting on the scale is a double edged sword. If I lost weight I feel great...but I also feel freer to endulge here and there, thus setting me back further. And if I gained I just feel like shit and hate myself and sometimes just say "aw fuck it" and eat. So I'm not going to step on the scale until friday morning! I make this pledge to you guys so i can't break it. I've attempted not weighing before and failed...that little plastic box is just so taunting... "step on me" "come on, who's it gonna hurt" "knowledge is power" BAH. Nope, not gonna do it!

Lastly, J. God I wish I could just make a decision and do it. I wish I could make someone else call her for me....someone cooler and nicer and more genuine. If I get the part on Friday I'll call her...if not I shall not. YES, now it is up to chance! I love it when decisions are out of my hands :) perhaps that's why I became an actress.

an audition

So I told myself I wouldn't write again until that wretched 2 had been obliterated from the middle of my weight FOREVER! I was 118 yesterday! Still a far cry from my pre-admittance weight, but there's time yet :) I would have written two days ago when I hit 119, but things have been pretty busy around here this week. This is a very very good thing because I was starting to completely lose my mind! I called my agent back on Tuesday and went out on an audition today. It went well (I will provide no details because of my previous incarceration and my paranoid suspicions about it all being linked to me blabbing), I did awesome! I can't tell you anything about the scene I did, but it require emotion and I cried and when i looked up the casting director had some glistening wetness in her eyes. SCORE!

Have not heard back yet but I believe they were auditioning through Friday. Hopefully I'll know if I have a callback by Sunday, so fingers and toes crossed ladies!

Being back in the game is both refreshing and odd. It sort of all feels the same, but different. Like being in school feels different as you get older and are less and less impressed by the importance of the institution. I feel like a senior who can get away with cutting class (or spending a couple months in an eating disorder facility) and still make the grade. I've always had a knack for reading people and just sort of being the perfect person for them at that moment. When my mom was around she used to call me a chameleon when I'd pull one of my personality shifts, my therapist calls it low grade schizophrenia with sociopathic tendencies, my dad calls it disconcerting....I call it talent! In my profile I said I want to live my life as a doll....because that's the thing I'm best at. I can be the person people want me to be...which I feel is just as lucrative a gift as any other. The problem comes when I try to have real relationships with people. I have no idea which one of these characters I ACTUALLY am, so when I hear all that babble about relationships being about honesty and truth, I just freak out and figure I'm better off alone. J is the first person I've ever really really wanted to MAKE like me. It would be easy, to answer your question, to make her want me or like me. It would be as easy as it was to cry today in that room in front of four people and a camera. But I don't want her in that false, I'm the puppet master, sort of way. I want her to like ME, but I have no idea how to make her like someone I'm pretty damn sure I don't like. This is the reason I have not called her back and the reason I likely will not call her back. To answer another question, we did kiss once. At a party she took me to while we were training together. I've never felt like such a liar in my life. I wish I were brave.

progress

Ok, woke up at 120 lb this morning and thus felt like blogging. It's still disgustingly high and I feel like a prisoner in a giant fat cage...but its on the way. I think once I'm out of the 20's and that wretched 2 is no longer a permanent fixture after the 1, I'll feel a lot better! I've also decided that once I obliterate the 2's I'll start going on auditions again. My agent said (after I missed those two auditions last week) that when I'm ready to start going out again I can let him know....and that till then he'll just stop submitting me. Personally I know this is a load of crap because I've already gotten 3 notices this week of auditions and I'm not submitting myself damn it. He was clearly just bluffing....but I don't want to push it and lose him, so the minute that 2 is gone I will start replying again. I do really miss it....like, REALLY MISS it. But its like returning to the scene of something terribly tragic and painful. The thought excites me but also hurts.

I've been trying this new thing out where I don't eat anything AT ALL until 9pm at night....then, even if i start eating and overdo it a little and have like, 700 calories, that's alllll I'll have had for the entire day. Though I know eating late in the evening is bad for the metabolism, it seems to be the only thing working for me right now, so I'm going with it.

Got a message from J on my answering machine. I've listened to it like 15 times. I really miss her and I wish I could just suck it up and ask her to meet me for a run or something, but every time I play her message I cry. I'm pretty confident that if I see her I'll start to cry and that is just unacceptable, so I have not returned the call. My dad said he told her where I was when she called and that all she said was "oh" then a long pause, then "well let me know when she gets back." So I don't know if I'll ever really muster the courage up to see her. Especially not before I've shaved off the rest of this fucking fat. The last time she saw me I was at my all time low shooting weight and I don't know if I can face her til I'm back there :(

The funny thing is, the entire time I was in that hell, I had the craziest dreams about her. I think I might be in love with her, which is just so fucked up from where I'm sitting. Love is really never something I want to be party to. Or never WANTED to be. It's just not part of the plan. I want to die before I turn 30 and I'm not sure someone who loved me would let me do that.

Desperation

I hate feeling hungry. And its not just hunger anymore, I'm starving all the fucking time. HELP. I had two auditions lined up for this week and didn't go on either of them because I HATE MYSELF THAT MUCH. I sound like a big brat right now but its just how I feel. For those of you who have been "inside" I'm sure none of this is new to you, but they turned my metabolism back on. There's no way to get out without eating, so I ate and planned to just take it all off again the minute i got out, easy (of course I was irate and it wasn't this simple, but in the months there I managed to convince myself the only thing I had lost was the thinness...b/c thinking about the show hurts too much) but it is just not as easy as it used to be. We had three meals a day plus snacks and ensure if your weight is down...no exorcise, monitored bathroom time....basically all my fucking food was digested and my body started working again, against me!!!!!!! I'm now in this insane head space where I have convinced myself that I am a mutant and not human because humans can eat three meals a day and not gain weight or at least remain the same weight, not me. I am eating next to nothing and STILL GAINING! I AM AN ALIEN!

Either that, or a the more logical option that I have metabolic disorder :( But I hate doctors and what would I tell one anyway..."I'm not eating anything and I'm gaining weight, how is this possible"- I can already hear how it would go "well, you should eat"- which is a stupid answer, "eating makes me fat"- they will rationalize as so many have before -"not eating makes you fat, you need your metabolism to charge up"- "well" i'll say" what the fuck do i do while it charges". They will shrug at you, not sure how to answer other then, "EAT" and then they will go home happy that they don't care about petty things like weight loss. I HATE DOCTORS AND RIGHT NOW I KINDA HATE EVERYONE!!!!

My therapist is the biggest tool I've ever met. He looks like Clay Aikens and he talks with a lisp and he has a uni-brow, how the fuck am I supposed to take that seriously. And all he wants to talk about is my mother. I don't get it. I feel like I have torn the woman apart in so many therapist offices in my life time, why the fuck can't they and we just move on? I'm sick to death of addressing my mother issues....

ok, here it goes, weight: 122. I WANT TO DIE. Thank you all sooooooo freaking much for the comments. I had a day or two where I thought of quiting the blog because I'm so down, but reading your responses really picked me up. At least someone out there listens to me.

sorry

Hey guys,

so, If anyone is even reading this, my show got pulled. Things got kinda out of hand recently and I was forced into a treatment facility by my manager. It was pretty much the most rotten few months of my life....no computer access, no television....NO FUCKING BOOKS. I've been "inside" before, but this was the worst! The studio decided to can the 12 episodes we shot because the press had already gotten wind of my "incarceration"- fucking Paparazzi and their career destroying bullshit- Gaga's got it right. Luckily everything was pretty much preempted by the studio saving their butts and I suppose mine...but DAMN IT. I mean, I'm sure you can imagine what it might feel like to get everything you ever dreamed of then have it snatched out from under your nose.

Not just that, but my weight is something OBSCENE! I will likely tell you in my next post, I just can't bring myself to type the number its so odious.

I'm back in LA and back living with my dad again. He and I aren't really speaking at the moment because I FULLY blame him for what went down last year. I can't really go into any sordid details about my auditions anymore....its too dangerous. I have a suspicion I got too open about EVERYTHING and that was my downfall. But luckily my agent didnt let go of me and I have auditions lined up starting next week...NO DETAILS!

ps- tricks for weighing in- 1) DRINK OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF WATER BEFORE HAND but whatever you do DO NOT pee in the building. Wait until you are outside then find a fast food joint or restaraunt! It is literally in their notes to watch you and make sure you arent water loading 2) Wear layers but keep them tight so it doesnt look like you're trying to hide anything. 3) soy sauce=water retention! 4) water bras- they come in many sizes and you can just think of them as free weights! 5) sew rocks into the pocket lining of one of your old sweatshirts...its already bulky, usually a safe bet :)

So hopefully by my next post my weight will be something minutely less shameful...though I don't see how that's possible now that I have such a freakin long way to go again. Please wish me luck....I really hope I havent lost you guys.

Tara

Had a commercial audition today. It was amazing how different this audition was compared to the auditions i used to get pre-show. I used to get called in like cattle with at least 4o other girls, clumped into a big, ugly room with fold-up chairs, and forced to wait for at least 45 min to an hour to even get my turn. Then i'd get one line reading, no adjustment at all from the director, and sent off to "wait." The key to doing this job without wanting pry your eyes out with something jagged, is to NEVER "wait." The minute you walk out of an audition you must accept that you did not get the role. It's a very difficult thing to do, especially when you were super excited about the role to begin with. 

OK- back to today...why was today different? My manager says we have more leverage right now. These teen shows attract a younger audience that can't yet afford DVRs and are thus forced to sit through commercials. Because the DVR is basically ruining tv right now (i can explain in more detail if you'd like but i think its pretty obvious....snack foods, insurance companies, coke companies....they all fund these tv shows with their ads....no commercials means no ads which means no funding)....so because the dvr is ruining tv and there are only a few market groups (ie young teenage girls and boys) left available without access to dvrs...commercials actually WANT me to sell their shit. Does that make sense? I guess since my show is such a teen oriented show... 

Oh well, who cares how it happened...the point is that i walked into the audition and was met...MET by a lovely little man (like 5 feet 5 inches) in a purple suit who immediately escorted me into a private meeting with the director who actually PITCHED the commercial concept to me. As though i were some big, name celebrity he was trying to win over. So, in other words, i had the part before i walked in the door and they were selling ME. My how things have changed in a year. Perhaps life post-show won't be so boring after all. 

I'm home now from that and dressed to go to the gym. I've decided that i've had enough training sessions that i ought to be able to train myself for a little while. So i'm going to the gym (not gonna lie, kinda hoping to see J there)....and i'm gonna stay for 3 hours...or at least until i'm too exhausted to move. 

Watched the biggest loser last night....i'm fucking in love with Tara Costa...she's incredible! But that breakdown she had with Jillian Michaels in her bedroom was heart wrenching. I identified wayyyy too much with her feelings of chaos and lack of balance. It's amazing how much i related to her in that one episode. Did any of you ladies catch it? 

Back...SOOO SORRY

Hey ladies,

I'm 100% a big, stupid loser!!! i got back to the states ages ago and resumed taping for the show...but just sort of put off writing because everything was just shit. I know, i hate me too. Paris was INCREDIBLE...for the most part. My mother is an enormous bitch and she ditched me (very often) to go have sex with random french men. Perhaps my mother turned me into a lesbian??? 

Anywho, when i got back we had about 4 episodes left to tape...they all got taped!!!! It was a rollercoaster but its in the can as we say in the film world! I hate life since the show ended. You see, it hasnt aired yet...so i have a shit ton of waiting to do...to see if anyone likes it...see if it leads to anything else career wise....and my weight is BLECH. I don't even wanna say what it is because i'm far too ashamed...especially after all the wonderful french designer clothing i bought...which is now sitting in my closet with tags still on. J won't speak to me AT ALL. I've left her at least a dozen messages. GOD DAMN IT i wish i was one of those people who could just suck it up and go confront people...FORCE them to deal with me and resolve things but NOOOOOO....I'm this huge fat loser who bitches and moans about the travails of her life to people who will never confront or disagree... I HATE MYSELF...LOATHHHHH!!!!!

Ok- new goals- 1) pick a fucking sport and stick with it. I no longer have a trainer so i have to figure out a new way to stay in shape. I was thinking tennis??? 

also- 2) go to a gay bar....accept that fact that most men make you vomit and go get some ass before you are too old to get ass!!!! I live in Hollywood so how hard can it fucking be to find some gay clubs i like. 3) try to do more things un-me....like...i dunno...just whenever i'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable...think about what i'm planning on doing and do the opposite. I'll try that for a while and see how it goes. I'm gonna catch up with your blogs tomorrow all day ladies...i need some inspiration :)

Missed you- sorry it took me so long to feel like i could face you all again!