Constipation and Contemplation

sOOOO, As i'm sure you have all inferred from the title of this post...i am very very constipated and not entirely sure what to do about it. I'm not really into laxatives because they make life too unpredictable...an entire day on the toilette is unrealistic...there's just too much to do and nothing more embarrassing then excusing ones self from an audition or a shoot to go let mother nature play its course. I honestly wouldn't complain or bring it up at all...but its been 5 days and i don't know the average length of time a person can go....but 5 days is a bit in my book! Any suggestions??? DON'T TELL ME TO EAT GRAPES- I hate grapes more then anything else in the entire world!!!!!!!

Ok, so the producer meeting is tomorrow which is wicked cool. They faxed over all the paperwork we're gonna be going over last night...and my contract actually has a FAT clause!!!! I am not permitted to gain more then 10 pounds during the run of the show....it says nothing, of course, of losing weight! I thought that was hilarious...and awesome!!! I mean, the more incentives not to eat the better, right? My dad wasn't too happy...but he won't say anything about it. Thats why i like him, the strong silent type. He wants to protect me from the world that i beg and plead and would do anything to be a part of...but he knows how badly i want it and i think he wants it that badly for me!!! Anyway...i just thought that was a funny section of the agreement!!! I will happily sign!!!

On that note, a lot of comments have been talking about my happiness level. I am happy, very happy...i mean, things are happening exactly as i planned....everything! However, i don't really do anything else...i spend the majority of my time exercising, which, though i love it, gets tiresome and repetitive. My only real friend is my father. My mother doesn't speak to me or care at all about my existence, I have an nasty little habit of landing myself in the hospital right in the midst of VERY IMPORTANT SHIT,  and i will most likely die before 40 because of bone deterioration or some other shit thing not eating for 12 years does to the body. But despite all that....yeah, i'm happy. It might be a skewed, slightly messed up version of happiness...but who is there to judge, i have no one!!!! The less people you let in, the less people there are to compare yourself and the state of your life to...to put things in perspective. On the upside...who wants to live past 40??? wrinkles, children, marriage, mortgages...doesn't sound magical to me...so yes....HAPPY...happy happpy happy!!!! I hope you all are as happy as i am!!!! peace out...and stay in it to win it little ladies!!!!

echhh

Echhhh, I was 112 this morning....and it was like, 112.5 which makes noooo sense because i had NOTHING yesterday of any substance. I had a slice of 40 cal bread with a slice of turkey and cheese melted on it...and that was IT. At the very most it was 400 cals (which i doubt) so how does one GAIN weight eating 400 calories??? This world makes no sense. Thanks god my meeting with the producers isnt until Sunday. I also get to resume my twice weekly workouts with J come Monday, so the weight is less worrisome knowing that intensity is coming. There's just so much more at stake with my weight then just vanity or obsession...and entire viewing audience will be watching my body, judging at and reading in tabloids about it. Perhaps i'm getting ahead of myself...i mean, the studio hasn't even picked this up yet, so anything could happen between now and September. Thats how it works out here with pilots...you get a script, you get actors, you build sets, you spend thousands of dollars shooting something that may never see the light of day. Oh well...i believe the studio actually already took half an option on this show...because of K's attachment to it....so that means 6 episodes NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Thank god! AND, no matter what happens i get paid. I just get paid a SHIT TON more if it gets picked up for a full run! 

Hanna, to answer your question, YES my dad knows about this blog...he doesn't read it or know the password to get onto it, but he's not just my dad, he's also one of my agents and my manager and perhaps for most people this would be a monumental error, but it works for us. I'm sorry if it sounds strange or weird to you...but so many things have really really NOT worked for us...so i'm not gonna fuck with it. I mean, if he lets me do whatever the fuck i need to do to get thin and to stay that way...why shut him out?? He helps, he helps a lot!!!! My dad's the only reason i'm not in a hospital right now...he's the only reason i have an agent at all, and he's the only person, other then you ladies, who i trust...and he's earned my trust. 

Drum roll please....

I'll just begin with my weight...since it is the focus of my life and the all consuming question on EVERYONES mind (that of course could just be in my head)...but i was 111 this morning...which is nuts and insane and wonderful and overwhelming and and and....i'm out of ands. Just got back from the gym....not with J unfortunately. I did mostly cardio this morning to get ready for my shoot this evening, but i threw in some ab workouts. I took pilates my senior year of undergrad and i learned the most amazing stomach tightening techniques that i now swear by. So I'm lying there on my purple workout mat that i bring with me to the gym...because god knows who or WHAT has sweated on those blue gym mats. And I just finished a set, and i'm breathing and running my fingers inside that little concave area between my ribs when i noticed someone staring. There was this middle age woman on the treadmill behind my sweating to the oldies or whatever the fuck people listen to at the gym (i stick with jagged little pill- Alanis...i know, behind the times blah blah blah, but i love it!) and staring at me point blank. I saw the envy in her eyes searing into me...and i sorta milked it. I stretched out long on my mat and breathed in sucking the concave deeper, and then i glanced at her again out of the corner of my eye...and she was still watching. It was like i was a tv set...or a fucking twinki, and her mouth was watering. The woman couldn't have been more then 150 pounds...probably 5'6'' or something like that...just a guestimate...but i saw the hunger in her eyes and I LOVED IT. I love when people look at me and want to look like me...now i'm not a huge fan of those people actually speaking to me....but the afar thing really works for me. I got off on it so much i hopped on the treadmill next to her and doubled her speed....I'M A HUGE ASS HOLE BY THE WAY!!!! She stopped outright staring...but every few minutes she'd glance over at my time, or my calories/hr and then quickly avert he eyes....PEOPLE ARE FASCINATING!!!

   Sooooo, i'm sure you're wondering why i saved this for the middle of my post...i know, i'm strange that way, but i wanted to describe the gym thing first, because it just happened and put me in the wonderful mood i was in when i got home, like 3o minutes ago and listened to the answering machine. I GOT THE FUCKING PART. HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS!!!!!! I'm in. We start filming in February and my script is already on its way and they want a meeting with me and my agents to talk terms and they loved me and and and....god whats with all the ands right! So I'M IN!!! And guess what, L didnt get cast. Not as the best friend, not as anything!!!!! So its me and K and NOOOOOO L, at all!!! This set is going to be a fabulous environment to work in. I can't believe it....like, its a dream come true. I'm going to be acting every day...with awesome people. I do have to tell you, my dad immediately gave me a talking to about this blog and the privacy shit i'll be signing and how important it is that i don't divulge anything that could give me away...blah blah blah...i won't, but i'll tell you everything else, so don't worry!!!!!! I think its supposed to air next season though...thats all i'm gonna say..nothing else....ahhhh, just too excited now. I think i'll go run around the block a billion times until i'm exhausted....because nothing else seems to calm me down these days. I'm stuck in this permanent manic episode....of course it is justified as things have been going ridiculously well and i should probably just shut up and count my blessings!!! Ok, gonna go exhaust myself now before the shoot tonight, peace out little ladies!!!! 

Old Movies

Dad took me to a series of short, early films at the Shrine tonight to distract me...we just got back. I can't believe where movies have come from..its amazing. The best is this chick, the first female filmmaker Alice Guy-Blache. She was the first one to advocate underacting...and the idea that cinema, unlike the theater, demanded a more subdued style of acting. She and her husband were immigrants and she made this film called "Making an American Citizen"...it came out in 1912 and its amazing...you should youtube it if you get the chance. I thought it was hysterical...yes, over the top, but so poignant and perceptive considering the year it was released and the political climate in America at the time...melting pot that it was....and is of course. The other one i loved was "Princess Nicotine; or, The Smoke Fairy", which was made by J. Stuart Blackton in 1909 and its amazing too. If you do youtube it, remember the year and where technology was and that they were cutting with cutting boards and not computers. WOW. Sorry about the ramble. I think i get manic when i'm exposed to new movies....just too excited. I'm glad we went though...at least i got my mind off of things. I did not think about my impending glory or doom for an entire 2 hours....impressive huh? I ate the yogurt already, this morning, over the course of 3 hours....i just carried it around the house with me finding different things to do and then forgetting about the yogurt. So i still need to eat the peanut butter and apple. I'm feeling sneaky though, so i might just not and say i did! Goodnight little ladies!!!!!

LIMBO

Hey guys...first off, THANK YOU ALL soooo much for the wonderful posts. It really amazes me how wonderfully this blog substitutes for not having any friends. I know it sounds kinda pathetic...that i don't really have friends...but any friends i ever did have just got "concerned" or turned me in to a guidance councilor or spread rumors about me. I just need to preface this post by saying how grateful i am for you all! That being said...i am in utter and complete disarray. Still no call from the agent or the studio...but if you think about it...it sort of makes sense. The tests they did on Sunday have to go through a huge line of producers and studio execs before the final decision can be made. So I just have to try and live my life and NOT think about this monumental thing that COULD happen very very soon. 

Yesterday was ridiculous. Like...it was an entire day of me jumping from the couch to the elliptical to the couch to the elliptical. You seeeee....my dad bought me this 300 dollar, used elliptical on Craigs list so i could get in some Cardio without having to actually go to the gym. Its been really useful...especially yesterday. I went to the 7/11...the worst mistake a girl can ever make...and raided the candy aisle. I spent, like, 5o bucks on crap there and brought it all home with me. I then put on "Princess Bride" and ate...like, the worst binge i've had in months. But i actually felt pretty savvy about it. My dad and i have a no purge rule. He lets me do what i want and helps me in any way he can as long as there's no purging involved. So of course, going into this binge, i know the rules and i know my dad is always home and will hear me if i vomit...so i didnt. Instead, i would eat each item....like, a packet of cookies...and read the total caloric intake, which was 400 calories, and then i'd hop on the elliptical and not let myself off until i had burned 400 calories...then i'd get off and pick another item of junk-food. Let me tell you, by the time my binge hit 1100 calories i was so tired i couldn't even chew anymore. What a glorious way to spend a day. I didn't lose any weight doing it, but i also didn't gain...so it was a  successful binge....but my head spun all night...even after i'd fallen asleep i felt like i was in one of those spinning tea cups. So i'm not gonna do it again today...which i why i decided to start the day with a post...and clear my head a little bit. 

I haven't mentioned J in a bit....but she hasn't really left my head. Part of me feels like...i know if i get this part, i'll get J too....so its like this double win. And i'll get her in this very platonic, safe way. She'll be my coach...and i can lean on her...and look at her and stare into her eyes. If i get the role we can keep playing the fun cat and mouse game that i guess i enjoy....And if i don't get the part....and i want to see her again, i'd have to actually do something. I'd have to call her and arrange something that would be really awkward and weird. I don't know...i keep associating J with this role and also with gayness and adulthood and losing my dad. I want to have an affair with her, i do...i've sort of settled this in my head....but it has to be an affair and not EVER a relationship. Because there's just too much at stake and losing my dad would be an absolute NIGHTMARE. ok ok ok, i need to focus on the work, on the task at hand. Tomorrow i have a modeling gig so i will actually go to the gym today and do some strength training, and then i will watch a movie and go to bed and i will eat a yogurt (110 cal) pre workout and have an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for dinner and that will be ALL. You girls are wonderful, keep faith and remember that we're all in it to win it!!!!!

Callback

Oh god...i just got home and immediately am writing a post...thats how much i A) Love you guys and know you are all rooting for me...and B) Just need to talk to SOMEONE about all this crappppp!!!!! My dad is sort of the quiet type if you know what i mean. 

Ok....back to today. Scale said 113 this morning...holy SHIT BALLS OF JOY!!!!!! Got off scale sure that it was an omen that things were looking up. The clouds had parted and the sun was peaking through and smiling down on me! I got dressed and ate a power bar so i would be fully with it and got in the car. We got to the studio and got our drive on pass and went to the bungalow same as before, but this time one of the producers met us at our car. He shook my dads hand and put his arm around my shoulders giving them a little squeeze. It was TRES odd! I hate older men...don't know why....but i hate them and unfortunately they totally run this town. We all walked into the bungalow together. Right before we got inside he pulled his arm off my shoulder...so i knew that L must be in there too. Inside the bungalow was a fo-living room set with three cameras on tripods filming different sections of the room. Again, behind the camera's sat the producers...and on a big tall directors chair sat...guess WHO!!! the director.

He saw me and smiled brightly...which i could tell pissed L off. I've me L at a few functions before this and she's not really the nicest girl. I mean...there's no hype about her being a bitch or anything, at least that i've heard and let me tell you, hair and makeup people talk...but, well, she was sort of a bitch today. She didn't smile at me AT ALL....and she also rolled her eyes when K jumped up and hugged me. I LOVE K....and i have to get this part so i can play her daughter and work with someone that amazing every day!!! So the director settled us down and told us the facts...laid it all out for us. He said, yes, we were both up for the same part and that it was definitely just between the two of us now because they have to start shooting in February. He said he was going to have us each do this scene in the living room with our mother and then we were going to transition to a bedroom set and we would be doing another scene...that i had NOT been given ahead of time and was thus def not prepared for, with each other...yes L and I would be doing the scene between the lead and her best friend. I really couldn't imagine anything worse...anything more anxiety provoking. But i tried to forget about it..push it out of my mind at least so i could nail the first scene first. Which i think i did...K and i worked really well together...we just flowed seamlessly and i know she likes me better because i watched her scene with L, i was sure they'd make me leave the room, but they didn't and L watched mine....very unorthodox. But K just seemed to have more fun during our run through. 

After that we were given a couple hours for lunch during which we could look over the sides and get ready for the next scene. My dad and i found a quiet bench outside of one of the dining halls and ran lines the entire time. I did NO beat breakdowns or anything like that...i just HAD to get it memorized. I feel like thats the trick with things...no matter how good you are or how well you have prepared, if you have a script in your hand it looks like your acting. So after the 2 hours we went back and the bungalow set was gone and now there was a single camera and a bed and that was it....empty otherwise. The living room set had been really grand and decorative...but this was literally just a bed...so i plopped down and waited for him to tell me who i would be playing first. L got up from her chair by the craft services...she actually ate lunch which made me feel superior for, like, a half a second. The director asked her to read the lead first which freaked me out completely and convinced me that she would be cast. So i sucked it up and did the best i could at the friend...and i thought i did a passable job. Then we switched and i was thinking, here we go...this is it...you break it or make it right now. And the stress and buildup of the moment was really overwhelming and i started to cry...like, actual tears came out of my eyes...but instead of freaking out, i just turned to L and said my first line. She looked really shocked, but kept going. And even though my character wasn't freaking out about anything...she was upset at her friend...and the tears helped. Like, they fit...WELL....it worked really well and when it was over, i quickly smiled and wiped my eyes proudly, a final sell! The director clapped...which he didn't do for L, and my heart was pounding crazy fast. My dad was all smiles so i knew i'd done good. Then the producer...the main one i guess, clapped his hands together and said, ok, thats it for today ladies. We'll be getting back to you shortly. UGHHHHH, MORE FUCKING WAITING. I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T KNOW SOON. Doesn't he get that my life is hanging on the brink of his stupid decision? How can they be so cruel? 

ooooh, but before we went to lunch, i did get to watch playback of both our scenes with K....and let me tell you, L did an amazing job...like spot on perfect. And mine was really good, but not quite as polished which freaks me out to no end. But i also noticed how...and i'm not making this up...but L is a little rounder in the rear then I am....and K is super slender...like as skinny as me but 15 years older, crazy! plus, like i said before, we sort of have the same look, like...just simple and adorable. And L is GORGEOUS, but not cute...at all. She's also got a different bone structure then us. Oh god, what if i am making all of this up to make myself feel better....god, i need to stop breaking all of this down...i do, i just need to STOP!!! Please comment, i need to read good things and be distracted. -by the way, thank you all soooo much for your posts and interest in my life!!! I have NEVER been able to talk or write this freely before. THANK YOU!!!!!! :)

FYI

Yo, so you want to know abt the IV fluids. My dad administers them, not me. It's a basic saline drip...he gets them by prescription at the hospital pharmacy at our neighboring hospital. It's the same stuff they give you if you go to the hospital with a stomach flu and you r dehydrated, sugar water. So at the very least, each day, i intake a substantial amount of water and sugar to keep my electrolytes and blood sugar balanced...to some extent. The doctor at the hospital i was last stashed in showed my dad how to set up a line, and now he does it like a pro. We stick to the veins in my feet. it'll work in almost any metacarpal vein...but if you have too many dots in certain places, people start to ask drug questions. Plus, its easier to see veins on your feet then on your arms. Dad checked me out of the hospital that last time because i was so miserable i wanted to kill myself...i just explained that this was my choice and it was sustainable and that all i wanted to do was act and he didn't freak out...it was the first hospitalization since my over-dramatic, self indulgent mother has been out of the picture....so he just took me home and we make it work. I mean, i've all but completely stopped puking and i do what he says...he isn't the enemy anymore which makes life oddly easier.