Sunday, March 7, 2010

Last day

I'm freaking out a little at the moment. I'm supposed to be "relaxing and taking it easy" according to our director who was NOT pleased with me in our rehearsal yesterday. He said, and I quote "you look a little tired." I was NOT tired but I blame my perceived exhaustion on the binge/purge last week. Not eating is just the only way this is going to work, but not eating leaves me feeling like crap and unable to hit my sweet spot in front of the camera. I've put myself on a new plan in order to try and continue to look all glossy and glowy, but without gaining. 60 calorie sugar free yogurt for breakfast. a 30 calorie rice cake with 1tbsp almond butter and 1tsp sugar free jam on it for lunch and fish and veggie's exceeding no more then 400 cals for dinner. I have to eat in order to keep this god damn job and I have to say, I want the job even more then I want to be thin. I know, nuts right? I just can't STAND the idea that I could have what it takes to make it in this industry, and ruin it because I couldn't find a balance. I guess that's the key huh, a balance. I have to balance my need to self distruct with my NEED to be great. My need to be thin with my need to succeed. My need to starve with my love of acting. I need to become a world class circus performer and just juggle the shit out of this stuff.

wish me luck tomorrow ladies! And WATCH the oscars tonight ;)

Friday, March 5, 2010

the beginning

Hey ladies. Wow, thanks so much for all the amazing posts! This has been a rough week. We start shooting on Monday and I've spent most of the week either in rehearsals, at the park memorizing lines, or working out on the new Elliptical trainer my dad got me. It's perched right in front of the tv in our den so I can just bang out my workouts to whatever good is on.

I had a binge/purge episode last night. I had been doing SO well, down to 114 still, but maintaining there and I think I was on the brink of getting down to 113, but then I blew it. My dad was out for the night which NEVER happens and I was alone in the house. I think that was the problem. I still get super anxious when i'm completely alone. I've never been a huge fan of an empty house. It's like, what the fuck, you left the crazy chick alone in the house with all the food and knives and electrical outlets. So he was out of the house and I just went nuts on these red vines he had stashed in his study. Then i ate tuna sandwiches (3 of them) then I ran to the corner store and grabbed a ton of ice cream (at this point I was PLANNING the purge and icecream is just way less painful) and came home. I ate it all in under 10 minutes and in under 5 it was gone. What a fucking waste of 15 minutes. NEW GOAL: No purging. No matter what I eat. I think it makes me ugly.

So back to good things. I found out on thursday that we are only shooting PART of this show in LA. Which means I get to travel! Won't tell you where, but the studio has to fly me first class and put me up in super nice hotels. I'm stoked. We're shooting in LA Monday through Wednesday then we fly out on Thursday and shoot Friday (break Saturday-Sunday in unmentioned destination...not sure what I'm supposed to do for these two day?) Shoot Monday through Friday. Fly back for the weekend. Couple days off. Cycle repeats. I'm not sure how I'll get used to this but I guess I'll just do it. I mean, of course I'll do it and I'll love it!!!