Tara

Had a commercial audition today. It was amazing how different this audition was compared to the auditions i used to get pre-show. I used to get called in like cattle with at least 4o other girls, clumped into a big, ugly room with fold-up chairs, and forced to wait for at least 45 min to an hour to even get my turn. Then i'd get one line reading, no adjustment at all from the director, and sent off to "wait." The key to doing this job without wanting pry your eyes out with something jagged, is to NEVER "wait." The minute you walk out of an audition you must accept that you did not get the role. It's a very difficult thing to do, especially when you were super excited about the role to begin with. 

OK- back to today...why was today different? My manager says we have more leverage right now. These teen shows attract a younger audience that can't yet afford DVRs and are thus forced to sit through commercials. Because the DVR is basically ruining tv right now (i can explain in more detail if you'd like but i think its pretty obvious....snack foods, insurance companies, coke companies....they all fund these tv shows with their ads....no commercials means no ads which means no funding)....so because the dvr is ruining tv and there are only a few market groups (ie young teenage girls and boys) left available without access to dvrs...commercials actually WANT me to sell their shit. Does that make sense? I guess since my show is such a teen oriented show... 

Oh well, who cares how it happened...the point is that i walked into the audition and was met...MET by a lovely little man (like 5 feet 5 inches) in a purple suit who immediately escorted me into a private meeting with the director who actually PITCHED the commercial concept to me. As though i were some big, name celebrity he was trying to win over. So, in other words, i had the part before i walked in the door and they were selling ME. My how things have changed in a year. Perhaps life post-show won't be so boring after all. 

I'm home now from that and dressed to go to the gym. I've decided that i've had enough training sessions that i ought to be able to train myself for a little while. So i'm going to the gym (not gonna lie, kinda hoping to see J there)....and i'm gonna stay for 3 hours...or at least until i'm too exhausted to move. 

Watched the biggest loser last night....i'm fucking in love with Tara Costa...she's incredible! But that breakdown she had with Jillian Michaels in her bedroom was heart wrenching. I identified wayyyy too much with her feelings of chaos and lack of balance. It's amazing how much i related to her in that one episode. Did any of you ladies catch it? 

Back...SOOO SORRY

Hey ladies,

I'm 100% a big, stupid loser!!! i got back to the states ages ago and resumed taping for the show...but just sort of put off writing because everything was just shit. I know, i hate me too. Paris was INCREDIBLE...for the most part. My mother is an enormous bitch and she ditched me (very often) to go have sex with random french men. Perhaps my mother turned me into a lesbian??? 

Anywho, when i got back we had about 4 episodes left to tape...they all got taped!!!! It was a rollercoaster but its in the can as we say in the film world! I hate life since the show ended. You see, it hasnt aired yet...so i have a shit ton of waiting to do...to see if anyone likes it...see if it leads to anything else career wise....and my weight is BLECH. I don't even wanna say what it is because i'm far too ashamed...especially after all the wonderful french designer clothing i bought...which is now sitting in my closet with tags still on. J won't speak to me AT ALL. I've left her at least a dozen messages. GOD DAMN IT i wish i was one of those people who could just suck it up and go confront people...FORCE them to deal with me and resolve things but NOOOOOO....I'm this huge fat loser who bitches and moans about the travails of her life to people who will never confront or disagree... I HATE MYSELF...LOATHHHHH!!!!!

Ok- new goals- 1) pick a fucking sport and stick with it. I no longer have a trainer so i have to figure out a new way to stay in shape. I was thinking tennis??? 

also- 2) go to a gay bar....accept that fact that most men make you vomit and go get some ass before you are too old to get ass!!!! I live in Hollywood so how hard can it fucking be to find some gay clubs i like. 3) try to do more things un-me....like...i dunno...just whenever i'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable...think about what i'm planning on doing and do the opposite. I'll try that for a while and see how it goes. I'm gonna catch up with your blogs tomorrow all day ladies...i need some inspiration :)

Missed you- sorry it took me so long to feel like i could face you all again! 

PARIS

Hey guys...I'm writing from an internet Cafe in Paris right now...Crazy huh. My mom's been living here and they gave us two weeks off from shooting so she flew me out for some shopping. I would have mentioned it but it was a birthday surprise! You have no idea how beautiful the clothes are here....and expensive...but mom seems to be doing alright for herself out here...plus i have those nice fat pay checks burning a hole in my pocket. Anywho...mom is waiting for me so i have to go...will post a good long one as soon as i get back into the country. No idea what my weight might be as there is no scale accessible to me, but my mother eats nothing and i have obediently followed suit...should be ok!!! TTYL ladies, miss you....stay in it to win it!!!!

Concern

Set was a disaster today. Our usual AD was sick...and let me just tell you what a fucking difference a good AD makes. We were soooo slow. We usually average about 5 or 6 pages a day, which is pretty good from what i've experienced. Today we barely made it through two pages. He was a moron and i had low blood sugar because I was 110 today, a double digit, and i had to fast as i am done with the double digits...i think if i have to maintain (or attempt to maintain) it should at least be out of the double digits. 

I really love your comments ladies. And you are very right, a huge part of it is self control and being able to control something as basic as our own bodies. We are all perfectionists who want to find ways to better ourselves, obsessively...and there's a lot of anxiety associated with a constant pressure to one-up yourself. By losing weight on a daily or weekly basis, its like we are bettering ourselves without having to achieve huge, frightening feats. We are in control of our lives. I want to be the best version of me....you've heard that in a billion of our blogs. BECAUSE ITS TRUE, but if you're an outsider then you have no idea what it actually means. Good enough is not enough for us. Its unfortunate but true and its associated with the anxiety. I hate to generalize and i completely acknowledge that this is not true of everyone, but a lot of us come from privileged homes, where there was always food and love. We had attentive parents so there wasn't a lot to complain about. We are driven by default. There are some people who can handle having things and being lucky, but ana's girls have to earn things. If we've been given such a wonderful education and so much nurturing and love, we better fucking do something awesome with it! If you are this kind of person...you just are...the anxiety won't go away otherwise, not for me anyway. If I suck at everything else, at least i am in complete control of my body. 

I'm not crazy though. I get it, i choose it. Your concern is not appreciated. I'm sorry to be blunt but if you would like me to keep answering your questions...check it at the door. I am what i am and i am this way having tried all the other ways of being. Look what i have here! I haven't ever been this happy i don't think...not ever. Which is why I'm thinking of getting a new trainer. I'm not sure i should be around J anymore. Getting close to someone would only result in some kind of pain or heartbreak or i'll get to know her and despise her. Regardless, people must be kept at a distance. Even you my dear friends. 

Our Ana

On set...break time. The swim suit incident appears to have passed...though the producers are looking rather jumpy today. I hate how they hang out on the set...as if something might, at any moment, catch fire and they are the only two capable of putting it out. And ha, no, at the very least i have not violated my FAT CLAUSE! We are currently shooting episode 3...and there has really been no break or hold in production for this economic crisis the studio seems to be going through. A lot of shows on the lot have been cancelled and not a lot of new shows have been optioned. This recession sucks!!!!

 I have decided to hold on to ana...but make a valiant effort to slow her down. I do want to continue doing this show...especially if its the only big acting gig i ever get...i'll at least have finished it and be able to own a dvd set with me in it! After that, ana can take over! 

-S.rider...your question...what do we love about ana?

It's a hard question to answer under such general terms. I don't really know what everyone loves about ana...but i know what i love about her and i assume that its similar for a lot of people here. See, its not really that i love her, its that i wasn't a real human without her. I think that might be a common factor in a lot of us ana lovers. We love her because we were just empty vessels before her. She makes us strong and resilient. I have a severe anxiety disorder and it is chemical...its in my blood, i worry, way more then the average person. Before ana i was floundering around, no direction, terrified of EVERYTHING. Therapy can make you examine your relationships, your habits, past events...but not an inherent genetic flaw like overwhelming panic. Ana took my panicked self, shook her, told her to toughen up and gave her rules to live by. Yes, they are strict, sometimes deathly rules, but they are rules that make me function and feel good. Being empty takes my anxiety down a notch in a way no SSRI or Valium or therapy could. Running on a treadmill is way fucking better then any upper i've ever had, and the elated  feeling i get when i look at the scale and the numbers are lower trump any and all coping mechanism psychotherapists have made me practice over the years. You see people...by throwing us into asylums and hospitals it doesn't save us. It makes you feel better because we have been dealt with...because you don't understand what its like to HAVE to go to such extremes to be able to function, or love yourself. And we all come back to it, because believe it or not, ana is better to us then you are. You want to hide us, ana wants to teach us to live. You want to call us sick and ana calls us strong...no one ever called us strong..but she does. We can be different people with ana....so i guess thats my answer. I hope it made sense. You can ask follow-ups if you want!

-girls, feel free to throw something in if i missed!!! stay in it to win it little ladies :)

Books and films

Hey ladies, so i've promised a couple people that i would make a list of my fav ana related books and movies! Here it is:

I'll start with books...some of these are ana novels, some just relating to weight loss in a way i found inspiring.

1) WASTED by Marya Hornbacher

2)  SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT by Deborah Hautzig

3) STICK FIGURE by Lori Gottlieb

4) THE BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD by Steven Levenkron

5) FAT CHANCE by Leslea Newman

6) PERFECT by Natasha Friend

7) LIFE IN THE FAT LANE by Cheri Bennet

8) MASSIVE by Julia Bell

9) DIARY OF AN EXERCISE ADDICT by Peach Friedman

10) INSATIABLE by Eve Eliot

and i think thats all i got for now...if you have any more feel free to comment and i'll add them!!!

MOVIES:

1) HBO's THIN

2) A SECRET BETWEEN FRIENDS 

3) NADIA

4) PERFECT BODY

5) FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY

6) SHARING THE SECRET (my fav and it stars Allison Lohman) 

7) HUNGER POINT

8) KATE'S SECRET

9) DYING TO BE THIN

10) CATHERINE

11) DYING TO DANCE

hmmmm, i know there are more. Oh well, add to my list if you like, i will update it, i promise! 

stay in it to win it little ladies :)

Cannot

Cannot function without ana...I was a baby that popped out of my mothers vagina with what the majority of people would call an "eating disorder." I either eat nothing at all or everything in sight. Perhaps my mothers judgmental nature fostered these habits...but i distinctly remember being 6 and being on the playground on an afternoon i had not eaten my lunch and feeling elated and superior. Its just me. I mean, i'm sick...or i'm a new version of normal. But you are right and i need to hide my inner monster from the rest of the world. I picked a stupid career for hiding. How do i do this? How do i allow myself to get slightly larger....this is such a foreign concept to me. I know how to gain weight...i've done it in 4 of the top eating disorder facilities in the country. What i don't know is how to maintain a weight...any weight. Perhaps you think i'm exaggerating...but i really have absolutely no idea how to stay the same weight. If i eat what another skinny, normal person eats, i get fat. I don't know why...maybe a slow metabolism or maybe i was just blessed with fat genes. I always just figure...if i can't stay the same, if i have to go one way or the other, then at least pick the smart direction and go down. And i don't really care if i die from it...thats not the issue. It's living with the shame of it in front of people now. I'm just being honest. And I don't know what i'll do. Cause i'm fucking NOT quitting, i love my job. But its my job. Its a great job and i like to do it and i'll keep doing it as long as they want me and then when they don't want me anymore i won't ball up into a corner and cry...nope...i won't care because i still have something...something more important. Sorry to burst your bubble guys, this is just me. 

can we still be friends? Sorry to be so blunt, but you guys matter a lot to me...and i don't wanna be alone. I hate being alone but i hate people and you guys being out there and commenting and writing makes me feel not alone in a way i can somehow handle- stay in it to win it lovely ladies! you are my saviors. 

Bikini

Wore a bikini...everyone said i looked bony, but in a "we're all very concerned for you" way. Unless that's my fear and i'm projecting it onto them. But today, literally every single person on set and their mother said i looked thin...or rail thin...or frail...or delicate. Kinda frightening. Felt like this big secret was suddenly out of the bag and like everyone in the room was whispering about me. It was a terrible day...i don't really want to talk about it. Cancelled my session with J today and stayed home, reading blogs and eating...a lot. I ate an entire carton of fro yo, a bag of bakers chocolate chips, my dad's leftover pizza, two beers and gummy worms...a shit ton of gummy worms. Puke till i cried (not a pretty girl looking back at me through the mirror) and got very stoned. I am afraid to lose more weight and risk actual concern...but to stop would kill me, or the spirit of me. I love this more then anything, more then acting, more then my own father. You don't choose who you love right? I love ana. 

exhaustion sets in- take two

Today was just one of those days where you wake up exhausted. It doesn't help that my day begins at 4:30am. I don't usually require all that much sleep...so it was strange to wake up feeling gross today. I drank three sugar free emergency's for breakfast before leaving for the set. 

On set, they didn't really need me till almost noon so i sat around on my laptop reading blogs. It dawned on me how completely exposed our little community really is. It's like lying in the middle of the desert with only a few sparse palm trees hiding us. Any plane flying overhead would easily spot us....anyone looking can so easily find our fucked up little blog world, i guess who the fuck would look right? ..who cares? I don't know why i'm always so paranoid. I lock myself in the trailer before even logging onto this site and i don't have my account id in "remember me" mode or leave my password on a piece of paper or on my laptop anywhere. I just remember it and the site id etc. It's easy to remember cause i come on every day, and i'm totally freaked that someone will be in my trailer picking up after me, like wardrobe.. and notice something that somehow leads them here. Even typing this is making my heart pound. Fuck, i am a fucking psycho paranoid mother fucker (Sorry about all the fucks, i'm too tired to look for other expletives). 

So i looked at blogs, panicked for like...three minutes...and yes, i did just write an entire paragraph about those three minutes...i apologize. And made a few comments. S. Rider...you are free to contact me with questions through blog, but i cannot give you my email address or email you from a friends...i'm sorry! I thought about it...and as much as i so want to be compliant and helpful, i am riddled with fear and untrusting to an extreme fault. I do invite any questions you have on my blog and i promise to answer said questions in full!!! 

B and i had a scene together and he had been shooting since 8, so he looked super pumped and like he was having a ball and i wanted to shove my foot in his crotch. Eww, how is it that something can be attractive enough to put inside of you one minute...and the next, its the most grotesque thing you've ever seen and having to speak to it and interact with it is a painful, torturous punishment. It took three hours to rap B and then it was just me for two hours and then K came and it was us till now...well, an hour ago when i got off. Shoot days are death. Sometimes shoot days are worse then 9 to 5's. Speaking of....got a date with J on Saturday. Well...not a date, a workout, similar to a date. I mean, i don't know how many of you have ever worked with a trainer...but they touch you fucking EVERYWHERE! It's a very erotic thing to me lately...the training thing. 

Back at 108 today...and i do have a fucking digital scale...and tiled floor and carpet so nowhere really reliable to put the scale down on. I don't weigh myself at the studio gym because i'm sure someone will follow me and the last time i was in a hospital or went to see a doctor they made me stand backwards every time i stepped on a scale. So i guess my real weight is a mystery. I believe my digital scale is accurate to an extent...and that its pretty consistent with my eating. I don't wanna think about it....not something i need to stress about, cause if i do i won't stop...so avoidance wins! gotta hit the hay now...about to die...sleep could help...bye...win it..thin it...in it...too tired- love

Slow Reactions

On set, looking over my blog and the comments...very strange today so i think i shall comment. First, Belle, You have nothing at all to be sorry about lady!!! Curiosity never killed any cat i had:) I wouldn't write my blog if i didn't invite and excite in comments and questions!!! As you can clearly see, i too struggle with offending people often. But when you speak your mind it will ALWAYS be offensive to someone!!! Thats part of the joy of blogging right??? Those offended people have the right to comment or not...no punches are thrown!!!

Now, S. Rider, lets deal with that. I'm not sure who you are. Granted i don't KNOW any of the girls who comment on my blog...but your blog doesn't allow me access, so i can't even scope you out. You clearly understand my reservations and fears in allowing such questions or interviews to take place. How do you conduct an interview over blog??? Who are you?? Where do you study?? What kind of publication might this interview be published in? I don't want to be a pain, but this blog is one of the only real things i have in my life...so perhaps you can understand why i am so protective of it and of my anonymity. 

   Back to blogging!!! The set is quiet today. But i got a flat screen tv. I know...say what? I showed up at my trailer this morning and there was a flat screen tv. Which tells me one thing, the producers like the first two episodes!!!!! YAY!!!! There is so much subtle language in this industry. No one ever just pounds you on the back and says...good job kid. Nope...they leave a flat screen, sony, hd, 1080i, 32 inch flat screen in your trailer without a word. Whatev, i wish it had been a treadmill. Maybe i'll drop hints for the next time the producers are feeling generous. So then i had to go out there and be all thankful and cutesie...vomit. Perhaps i could park the treadmill in front of the tv and have the network get me back seasons of the biggest loser!!! YES, that would be the ideal gift! A treadmill and back seasons of the biggest loser...hell yeah!!!

k, they're calling me, i may post later tonight....was 109 this morning....piece of shit scale. Why can't i just stay the same? I ate NOTHING yesterday...whats my fucking body's problem. Oh well, i know its not real weight!!! Peace out ladies...-stay in it to win it :)

DUNNO

I don't really know my own sexual preference to be honest...i always thought i was straight. Then, after high school, i just started thinking of myself as asexual...cause i don't really find men that attractive. Then this J thing started...i mean, super recently. So who knows...perhaps I'm one of those people who thinks sexuality is fluid. I guess i have to make up my mind about that if I'm gonna enter the gay community...since that made up ALL of J's party guests last night. Fucking lesbians everywhere...with agendas....i just fucking hate politics man. I don't want anyone to be oppressed or mistreated, but leave it at the office. Sorry, again i am offensive. I don't think i'll ever really be friends with anyone. no, if i continue to hate all people then who am i to expect anyone to like me? Do I want anyone to like me? Yes, i want people to like me and that is it...that is the key, the problem...the big fucking thorn in my people hating foot. If i want people to like me, i will forever be at their mercy. I must kill that part of me...the people needing part. I wonder if its in a finger...cause i will totally cut off a finger to get rid of it!

The party went ok. I smiled and was very quiet...only talked if someone asked me something. It was clear right away that J had told some of these women about me. Whatev...that means she likes me right. Ok, so i tried not to make anything obvious at the party...i laughed and talked to J a little, but mingled and didn't stick to her side like an obnoxious brat. I mean, so what if we kissed, its not like i own her. Didn't eat a thing..but i didn't weigh myself this morning because i didn't wake up at my own house!!!! Yup, i stayed...don't worry, it was very secretive and sneaky. When the oscars ended everyone left. It ended at like, 9 because it starts at 5:30 here. So it was just us...and wine...which i drank because i'd eaten nothing and i knew one glass would do the trick! I won't go into detail...not that kinda gal.

This morning i woke up, called a cab and took it to the studio. Got there and dad was already there looking pretty confused. I really need to fucking start remembering to just call and tell him i'll be out. I've felt like such an ass both times now. I suck as a daughter, its totally unfair to him. I told him i drank and decided to stay the night on J's couch. He has no reason to think anything of it...i mean she's a girl.

Got home, decided not to weigh myself till morning, very difficult so far! I want juice..i have this enormous craving for juice...but i think i should refrain. I have swimming scenes on friday and the bathing suit worries me. It's in my contract that i get to approve of any swimsuit or underwear i am to be featured in...but its not like i'm gonna say no to whatever they have. I'll just wear it. So pre work is called for! Fast begins today...it will be comprised of liquids only...like, skim milk, water and diluted orange juice (so i don't get sick before shooting) only.... no diet soda as i do not want to retain water and be bloated in spandex. Ughhh, perhaps by friday i will be, like 107 or something. No...too much to hope for??isit??? oh well. YOu guys are awesome...thank god there's an outlet like this in the world. I just hate the idea of dying and having spent my entire life living in my own head. I love that there is a way to put things out there without anyone ever knowing its you. It's amazing! Hope you all watched the oscars! Fucking Milk and the fucking political agendas. I make a horrible gay person don't i. What's that quote again...i don't wanna be a part of a club that would allow me to be a member...can't remember who said it. If the lesbos want me then the club must suck! HA. ok, now you all think i'm a huge homophob...but how can i be??? i may be a homo! peace out- gotta go not think about food some more. I'm going to sit in my closet for an hour and think about my ass in a bikini....it will be good for me!!! PEACE OUT LADIES :)

Oscar Day

Hey ladies...sorry for the delays again. Things are just happening so quickly and i never seem to be alone anymore...which sorta sucks. I miss my computer time...but hey, once the show raps i'll have nothing to do again and be super depressed and write posts every 4 hours.

Being on set with B is now the lamest thing ever. We are NOT friends...we are awkward and uncomfortable and i dislike it. Unfortunately, i am being paid an exorbitant fee to tolerate and be around B daily...so i must learn to deal. Poop. Ok, soooo, yesterday was the 9 to 5 and i woke up this morning at 108...because i ate NOTHING yesterday and burned well over 2000 calories. She kicks my ass in that gym and i just smile bigger the harder it gets. I love it when it hurts...i love it when it hurts and she's crouched next to me with this sick "i love it when it hurts too" smile on her face, egging me on "just two more sets [my name], push through it." So the workout was relatively formal considering how close i feel we've gotten...no asking out for later, no lunch out of the gym. So i realized at about 3 that i was gonna have to ask her to do something. So at 5 i was stretching on the mats, she was helping me stretch (nothing is even close to as sensual as being stretched out by someone you're into)...i asked her to a movie. She said yes and asked when...and i said, "how about tonight?" and she said yes. So i told her, i don't have a car at the moment, but my dad can drop me off, or we can meet somewhere. But she just calmly told me she'd pick me up...which is wicked because she drives a black jag and I lovveeeee JAGS!!!! I suggested "The Wrestler", but only because i fucking obsessively stalk the oscars and i needed to catch up on my nominees, but she was really into it and apparently had been wanting to see that movie for a while. So J picks me up at 6 for a 7 o'clock movie and we drove out there, to downtown Burbank....and we walked around on the lovely cobblestone like downtown area they have in Burbank. We didn't hold hands or anything....just rubbed arms sorta as we walked. Went into a candy shop...she got a huge HUGE bag of gummy things that i made a mental note not to touch (tough for me cause i love gummy things and i always overeat them because i associate them with no fat...from the days before i realized calories were just as bad as fat) and then we went over to the movies. I rushed in front of her...possibly too abruptly...but i really wanted to pay for the tickets so she'd know it was a date...and so she'd know i knew it was a date too. So i paid for the tickets, and she stood aside smiling. Why is she so pretty??Why why why? I kinda wish i looked like J sometimes. Like, so strong and together and fit...like, not an ounce of fat on her body, pure muscle, but not bulky or gross, just slender long muscles. She just looks so strong and confident all the time...even watching me buy our tickets. So we went in....found good seats in the middle, watched the movie, LOVED the movie, left the movie...walked to the car...this time hands grazing each other much more blatantly, until i sucked it up and just grabbed her hand...she didn't even look up, she just opened her hand and closed it around mine. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. We got to the car, got in...she said, where to? I shrugged...not entirely sure what she wanted me to say at that point. So she suggested we go to a park and play on the jungle gym. We did...and i felt 12 and it was pretty great. At the park we took off our shoes and went running around, going down the slide and playing on the swings. When we were on the swings she kissed me. It wasn't like a big, french, all over the place kiss...it was a planted, intense, intentional kiss. After the kiss she asked if i wanted to see her place...which was what i wanted...100000% wanted to see her place...but i wasn't sure if i should, which is really retarded in retrospect because duh i should....why the fuck shouldnt i?  But i just am the kind of person who doubts every fucking decision i make...i'm a loser. So i said....can we do it another night. And she seemed fine with that...but i wasn't...i was really really pissed at myself for not just saying yes and getting what i've been wanting...finaly. But then she asked me what i was doing for the oscars, and i said nothing...just hanging out at home placing bets with my dad like usual (didn't include the dad part to her...trying very hard to be cool here)...so she said she always has a little party for the oscars at her place and would i like to come. I said yes...I HATE PARTIES....but i said yes. So now i'm pretty miserable about the fact that tonight, one of my favorite events of the year is a red zone night....pretty fucking miserable. But the plus side is that the oscars start at 5pm out here and will be over relatively early..and maybe party people will leave...and i won't...and then maybe.....

ughhh, i'm hopeless. At least i'm 108 for the party...i will take my solace in that. Please ladies, please cross your fingers and toes that i have the balls to make a move tonight. I will not eat a thing at the party, i have already decided this. I'm pretty good at completely avoiding food...i'm no good at having just a little. Its all or nothing...hmmm, life is sorta that way too, all or nothing. OK, off to plan clothing for tonight...fucking people everywhere like blood thirsty leaches...gotta be prepared!!!! peace out little ladies, stay in it to win it :)

another late post

again, i failed to post on my breaks. Perhaps it is time for me to stop promising. I talked to B today...well, he talked to me. He found me, i was on another set listening to my ipod (alanis, "jagged little pills," i don't know what it is about those songs but they just totally get me into the character and mindset of a teenager...i apologize to those of you who are teenagers as i was one recently and would have resented that ignorant stereotype). its just the kind of teenager i play is pretty angsty, which is great because i am SO anti-angst...and this lets me really experience my emotions and reactions to things that happen in a way i never allow myself  to do when i just play me. So B caught me and was all like, "we have to talk" and i was all like, oops what did you say, my earphones were in and i couldn't hear you...not true...and then he said "i really didn't mean for that to happen [my name], i've liked you for a while and i just didn't want it to happen like that." I coughed and sighed and blinked three times and stood.....silently....no noise....he says "do you maybe want to do something again sometime? just the two of us?" I said "no" too quickly, he looked punched, i told him i was involved with someone else. He looked slightly less sad. He asked who and i said i was keeping it on the dl. He understood and asked if we could be friends. I said sure and smiled as if i wanted to be his friend and as though we would hang out all the time and do friend shit together. I hope they kill off his character so i don't have to be around him anymore. I wish the fucking weekend would come. I have a 9 to 5 with J on Saturday and i'm psyched...cause i'm gonna wait the entire day and then if she doesn't ask me to do something by the end of the workout, i'm going to see if she wants to go to a movie...and hopefully she will say yes and perhaps my affair will begin and B will be dead...some tragic drunk driving episode, to make the kiddies more careful at those weekend keggers, wishful thinking. I want it to start already...like, i think about her all the time. i've already accepted in my brain that it will happen...but then a part of me just LOVES the wanting part. Like i love wanting her and wanting her close to me...and wanting to say interesting shit so she'll laugh or be amazed...yes, i am prepared...but as you advised discretion is key.

still 109 this morning...very happy with that, perhaps i will be able to knock off the last 4 pounds in a week??? too lofty??? 105 would be crazy...i don't even know what i'll look like, i can't remember the last time i was 105....like......very early adolescence, when i was, like 3 inches shorter. Am super stoked to see what it will look like. Hoping i still look like me but excited at the prospect of an entirely new person showing up in the mirror! will post tomorrow! not saying when :P

oops

Sorry i didn't post on my break today, but i literally spent all of my breaks hiding from B. Blah, why am i such a loser. I think i have one of those social disorders...where i don't interact well with others. There was a girl on ANTM who had it, what was it...like assburger syndrome...i know that spelling was offensive and I apologize, thats just how it sounded to me phonetically. Maybe there's a pill i can take to make me less of a loser...or make me hate people a little less. I mean, i know i say it a lot, but i really really do hate people. I can't help it, its like, the voices all saying stupid, irrelevant things and expecting everyone to care.  I really just want to hide in my house all the time. Like, in my head there are green zones, orange zones and red zones. Green zones are the best because i don't have to deal with any people in green zones....my house and the gym are the only green zones i know of. The gym has a lot of people, but everyone is super into themselves and no one has makeup on or wears anything cute so no one at the gym really wants to have an interaction. Orange zones are places i know i'll have to interact with others, but its a controlled interaction...like a small amount of time with a lot of rules ensuring i don't end up in Fiji or some shit like that. Meetings are orange, shooting is orange, going out to dinner with dad is orange. Then the red zones are the ones i avoid like the plague...those are clubs mostly and bars and parties and places where people forget about boundaries, orrr places where boundaries are removed for you either through substance abuse or lack of breathing space. Red zones suck balls. College was one gigantic red zone. ok, thats enough people ranting for one day. Could it be genetic? Perhaps i'm not satan and its just a disorder...i hate the anxiety...the anxiety about hating people and how i'll end up alone (though i know it sounds like i want that...i don't, i really don't), and the anxiety about going to hell for hating people and not caring about the things they do or say, or the anxiety about anxiety...and that i'll have a heart attack from worrying so much...blah, going to bed now. I'll post during break tomorrow, well, i'll try. I love you guys...i love how you exist across cyberspace and are in no way threatening or malignant. I do not hate you...and thats the first time i've felt positively towards a group of people as a whole...hmmm-peace out!!!!

Photo shoot and waking up in weird places??

The photo shoot went well...but also horribly. It was actually the most fun i've had in a while, but also marked the beginning one of the worst nights ever. The mood was great at the shoot itself...and everyone was just, i dunno, nice...the set gets super formal, everyone just punching a clock and going off to their own space after takes. But this was great, because we HAD to joke and goof around so the photographer could get variety. We had to do something so few actors in this town can actually do well, but that which is also the foundation of acting...improv! It was fun...and B (for Boy and not his name)...love interest on show kept holding my hair up from behind me and kissing my neck...and i hate to say it, but it was fun being kissed and playing a person in love. It makes me want to be normal and in love with a guy who has a place of his own, and a dog, a white shaggy dog and oxford shirts i can wear to bed and wake up in. But its just a catalogue and i wouldn't actually know what to do with it. But i guess i wasn't thinking about the tragically stupid things i let myself do when i talk or take interest in others. Dad was at the shoot, and he mistook my adrenaline and yes, some hormones (ladies, being kissed on the neck is really just a turn on, hard not to get a little hot right???) for fun and me taking interest in a boy...so when i asked if i could go out with B and three of his friends (all of whom were girls) my dad said sure, and smiled and gave me cab money. Damn that man to hell. I went out with B, he drove...the girls were fun and they were nice to me...but not really nice, like, the fake LA nice that you get from everyone out here when you're doing well. I hate people. So B ignored the other girls, and kept stroking my neck and running his hands down my leg which is stupid, and babyish and i should have had my wits about me...but it was weirdly intoxicating, and we made out, and i drank, and i don't drink, and we had sex...which i absolutely hate because i associate it with pregnancy and fat...so i grabbed the morning after pill from the ER on my way home. B was still passed out when i left and i only hope to god there were no photographers anywhere we went last night...i'm sooo embarrassed and i do not in any way wish to share it with the world. Dad asked how were things last night and i smiled and laughed and said that we all fell asleep in a hotel room. He doesn't want to know anything. I know my dad. 

Ran upstairs to shower and wash the smell of others off...got naked, hopped on the scale and saw 109...i do not know how or why things cosmically work like this. The most horrendous things happen, followed immediately by the most splendid. I got into the shower and it was like, i had forgotten the bad night...it became a celebratory shower instead of a regret/yuck/dirty shower of morning-after shame. I didn't eat anything else on Sunday, then this morning i went to work, acted like nothing happened with B (he went with it thank god) and i think the crisis has been averted. Hopefully i have also learned my lesson and will no longer go out with people after things...other then J in utter and complete secrecy. It's always best to keep the things that are most important secret! don't you agree. Secrecy is the stone upon which i sharpen my blade!!!! Ok, off to bed, will bring laptop to set tomorrow and write, promise!

Date and a Spread

So i went out with J...after we worked out on Friday we went out for drinks and food (none for me of course, i had diet coke and seven peanuts and 4 lime wedges)- we talked about the show...about the famous people she trains, etc. She asked me about still living with my dad and i tried to brush it off...but i guess it would be weird for some people...at 23 still living with a parent. Hadn't really thought about it to be honest. The idea of not living with him petrifies me, so there's no way i could change it...but i guess someday i'll have to live on my own...i mean, he'll die eventually so its inevitable. Anyway...the "date" went really well and she invited me to a club tonight, a lesbian club...and i said no, and she asked why, and i said "cause of the publicity" and she nodded and said "yeah, i guess the paparazzi's already started bugging you huh" and i said "naw" i mean the show hasn't even come out yet...so i qualified with "the studio has a lot of shit in my contract about acting out etc." and she seemed to let it go with that. I realized that since she had asked me on a second date...or sorta date, and i had nixed the place, that it was now my turn. So I asked if she wanted to go running on saturday (today) not realizing of course that it would be valentines day, and she said yes....so we went running this morning and then went to breakfast at ihop and i ate pancakes, heart shaped pancakes that she ordered for me and paid for...ughhhhh!!!! But she looked adorable in her track suit and the heart shaped pancakes were such a nice sentiment...so i ate them, and then excused myself to go to the bathroom (to puke), came back and was just...happy. I can't explain it, but sitting there across from her, even with a plate of half eaten pancakes covering the table, i just felt this calm, or maybe it was just a lack of anxiety, but it was wonderful and i wanted to sit in it forever. But then my dad called on my cell and told me the studio had been calling at home for me for hours and i needed to get back for some sort of photo shoot....ughhhhh. So we ran back to the park where we left our cars, hugged (i didn't know what else to do) and left. 

So i think i'm in love and i don't know what to do about it...but i like it...so i won't do anything about it, i'll just GO with it. When i got home i called the studio...well, the guy who bothers me from the studio, we'll call him M. He's a dick and doesn't ask for anything ever, he just commands and barks shit at people...total male diva!!! Anyway, he said the studio wants to do a promotional poster to put on billboards in major cities, but they needed to get it shot pronto....so sunday, poop. But my sag contract says i get paid double for weekends so SWEEET!!!!! So me and K and a phew other cast members are gonna have a big photo shoot tomorrow that i'm pretty excited about. The scale said 111 this morning which is a pretty respectable weight to take pictures at. No eating till then of course. My dads excited and he wants to take me to a movie now...maybe slumdog because i haven't seen it and the oscars are coming up and i hate not being able to vote at home because i didn't see the movies. Oh well, off to shower and look up movie times!!!! Sorry the posting slowed down so much lately...this working thing is stressful and time consuming, but i'll get in the habit and it'll improve, promise!!! YOu guys are the best, stay in it to win it :)))) <-- hahaha double chins!

Slow Move On

Hey little ladies, so things are sorta back to normal...sort of. Today is my first actual day off in FOREVER so i thought i'd begin it with a little blog, to help get me back on track. I was 112 today...which sucks balls considering, but is still lower then my audition goal weight...and lower then my morning-after-binges weight--114. I have J again tomorrow, thank god...though my last day with her was kind of the day that began all the madness. I don't know what it is about that woman but she just sucker-punches me in the stomach the minute i see her (not literally of course) and its like, i'm out of breath and running to keep up and it probably also doesn't help that i'm physically exhausted the entire time i'm with her because she runs me ragged...but damn. I think i'm gonna ask her to do something. Like...not a date, just go somewhere really casual and hang out...then i cross my fingers and hope she'll do the rest of the work! Bad idea?? I need some tips here ladies...how do you begin an affair with a woman when you A) Have never slept with a woman before and B) are too afraid to let anyone too close because of your obsession with ana. Hmmm, ok....i'm gonna do it though. No matter what, i'm going to ask her to dinner, yes DECIDED!!!! OK, now my stomach is doing somersaults...just from writing it down. Also, if i'm with J all evening there's no way i'll pig out or eat anything crappy...the last thing i'd ever want is for her to see me eat anything other then lettuce. I bet if i was a boy this would be hella easier. Do you ever wish you were a boy??? like for more reasons then just that you wouldn't have to wait for a guy to make the first move. Like, first off...men can lose SOOOO much more weight then women, its just hideously unfair. I remember how my mom would get raving pissed at my dad in the morning when they'd get on the scale and he'd absently spout "hey look, i lost another two pounds...weird, i'm not actually doing anything"- one time, she physically threw the scale at him. It hit him on the arm and i remember he wouldn't make me waffles that morning because he had to ice it and mom kept apologizing and refreshing his ice....the memories that come to you in the midst of a blog..hmmm. Ok, gonna chill out today, take it easy and come up with a really good place to take J tomorrow after the 9 to 5...also will get a head start on next weeks lines!!!! Hope you are all having a marvelous week with tons of weight loss!!!!! I really appreciate all of your wonderful words of encouragement- you guys are the BEST! Stay in it to win it :)

HATE

I absolutely, 100% HATE MYSELF right now. I've been on a fucking 3 day binge...during shooting. WHO DOES THAT? I have it all right in the palm of my hands and i fucking throw it away...three nights in a fucking row. I was fine on set each day...i mean, with the obvious motivation directly in front of me...but then i'd get home at 9 or 10 and just, get stoned and go ape shit. I know i know...don't smoke...but i just HAD to unwind...like, i had to. It was stupid, i need to not smoke weed anymore, it'll help, i know it will. I feel grotesque...how much water weight can one hold onto from a binge? I was 114 this morning which SUCKS SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! How much can i write off as water weight you think??? ughhh, and now my stomach is killing me because i feel hungry again...and i hate it, it kills. I refuse to give in though, not again, no more weed. Fuck...i just hate to think what i'm capable of if i could do that for 3 days straight...its petrifying. 

I also do really apologize for not writing sooner...i was literally to grossed out with myself to confront my blog. I love blogging, so it was my punishment! Ughhh, i'm gonna go close my eyes and see if i can fall asleep and make the day end...so i can at least believe the binge fest is over and that i made it through one day on top. God, i'm hopeless- hope you ladies have been doing better then me. 

Exhaustion Sets In

I feel like a tornado hit my brain right now. I can't even really distinguish between what i'm actually saying in conversation, and the lines that are just circling around in my head. K was wonderful this week, she really was...i just hope i kept up. Dad got them to take the junk out of my trailer. Now there's just a fruit plate, which actually still pisses me off...i mean its a fucking temptation and the mango just sits there, taunting me at the center of the platter. I HATE FOOD...I mean, i love it, but i fucking hate that it exists. It would be so much easier to avoid if it wasn't EVERYWHERE. Like...our society is fucking run by food...you don't go out with a friend for the day to just see a movie and take a walk...you go out for a meal...always a fucking meal. I guess thats why i don't have any friends. Good decision on my part!!

For the Good news of the week....I'm down to 110...just one more pound till the single digits!!! I cannot wait to wake-up to 109. It will be a glorious day! I wish i had the energy today to go for a run or workout, but i'm fully pooped. I can't lift my legs at all. If i don't work out at all today, but i intake fewer then 400 calories i should at least maintain. I have J all day tomorrow, so thats something to look forward to, and an excuse for not working out today...i mean even God took a day to fucking rest right? Its funny because i feel so guilty right now about the idea that i'm not going to workout today...that i probably will end up working out anyway. Ok, i will still do less then 400...like, 2 yogurts and an apple (no peanut-butter today) and thats it. If i end up feeling like working out later, oh well...still not gonna change the food plan. Good luck ladies, hope all is going well with you guys!!! I'm gonna catch up on all your blogs today!!!! Stay in it to win it :)

On Set

Sooo, as the title of this post implies, i'm writing it from the studio set. I say studio set, because as i'm learning we actually have 3 different sets for this show. The main one is here on "bleep" Lot, which i have to say is one of my favorite studios out here. The other two sets for the pilot are in Pasedena...just two different houses owned by regular joes who i guess get paid to let us film there if we ever have outdoor scenes or getting into the car in the driveway scenes. 

   We are on our lunch break right now...at fucking 10:45 am...because we start so early and the SAG contract gives me breaks every, like, 4 hours...it kind of sucks. I'm here in my trailer...which i love, its a beautiful trailer with a bed and a tv and...ughhhh MORE FOOD then any human should EVER consume. What the fuck happened to the fat clause in the contract. I mean...i understand providing a fruit plate for people...maybe cheese and wine or something....but there is a full sized cake sitting behind me right now, and an enormous platter of salami sandwiches, and mini hot-dogs and and and...the list just goes on. I was really REALLy good yesterday and i ate nothing (in preparation for shooting i've realized that i have to stay under 500 calories a day in order to just maintain, fucking starvation metabolism)....i did fluids before bed and this morning and i was 111 this morning... i ate yogurt on the way here so i'd have energy but this crap in here will destroy me if i have to see it every day. I wonder if my dad can make them take it all away. I'm gonna go ask. Sorry this is such a short one. If we wrap at a reasonable hour i'll write again tonight!!! PEACE OUT LADIES!!!!- and thanks for the comments...i'm gonna catch up on your blogs as soon as they give me a fracking day off!!! 

everything at once

Sorry i haven't written in a couple of days, its just that things have been OFF THE HOOK crazy here. So monday was my all day workout with J...and it was fantastic...well, the workout part was great...she had me begging for death which is my measurement for a great workout. It was weird though...she didn't make a ton of eye contact with me and when i told her about the part (which she of course already knew about) she congratulated me...and hugged me, but it was just empty. YOu know what i mean...i don't know what i did or didn't do. It was like she was a different person, focused entirely on the workout...not me at all. So i went home that day and ate. I am soooo pissed off at myself. All this fucking hard work and i blow it because i'm fucking emotionally insecure about a non-relationship with my fucking trainer. Once i had consumed almost everything in our fridge, i sat down on the floor in front of the sink and cried...which i never fucking do. And of course thats how my dad had to find me. So then we had the talk...the "are you sure this is what we should be doing" talk...he mentioned passing on the pilot and that was it for me. I went off on him like i've never gone off on my dad before. He just sort of sat there and took it. And when i was done blasting him, he just silently stood up, went back into the kitchen and brought me a glass of ice water. Then he went up to bed. I was fucking 113 this morning and I HATE MYSELF. Does anyone else feel like they sabotage themselves. LIke, right before you're about to hit a monumental goal (for me it was breaking into the single digits...109 is a dream now...just a dream) and you fuck yourself over. I hate it so much and i feel so stupid for not thinking about it and reasoning my way out of that kitchen. FUCK....so i didn't eat all day today. Well, i ate two fruit flavored tums at like, noon, because my stomach was out of control growling...probably because i stretched it out so much with the idiotic night binge.ughhhhhhhh ok, thats it for this post. i've been dreading writing it all out, but now that its down and over...it wasn't so bad. 

Hanna- yes, my dad does know about my medical card. He took me to get it and i actually was able to use my eating disorder medical documentation as grounds for the card. Anorexia is one of the listed illnesses MJ apparently cures (hahahahahhaha) at least in California. You should see one of the stores though, there are hundreds out here...and they are all insane and like, the mecca for pot smokers!!!! - hope all is well with you :)

Little ladies, stay in it to win it....hopefully my setback can be corrected with a few days of diligence...and we start shooting the pilot tomorrow, so that should keep me distracted. I just wish J had been more receptive...i was pretty excited to get to see her weekly...but it looks like my lesbian affair might be over before it even began. PEACE OUT

a new month

Producers meeting = ridiculous

Was back to 111 this morning...thank the lord! Probably because i ate a handful of Uncle Sams cereal last night and drank, like, a gallon of water. 

We got a drive-on pass again at the studio, parked, found the building, took the elevator, got out, walked down a very narrow hallway covered in framed, autographed photos...to a door at the end of the hall. We walked in and there were 5 men..yes, all men, in the EXACT same suit, lined up along one side of the table. They started going through the contract...boring stuff....we start shooting the pilot in, like, 4 days, and money...the money sounds lovely, and then after the pilot we have an option period where networks will bid on it, and then someone will pick it up, either for a trial run (6 episodes) or a full season (12 or 13 episodes). All of this was very interesting, but the highlight of the day, by far, was going over the FAT CLAUSE...which i mentioned yesterday.

 The Fat Clause stipulates that i am not to gain any more then 10 pounds during the entire run of the show (mind you...it is not legal to weigh me at any time...so how they will know exactly what i have or have not gained is beyond me). The producers treated it really lightly, like it was sort of a joke....saying things like, "as if you would gain weight" and gesturing to me and laughing, all of them...in a cute little obnoxious row. Then one of them said something like, "they make us include these...its silly, but it does guarantee certain perks" (dad had already explained to me that they would hire me a trainer...and that its sort of the way the studios keep tabs on their younger female actresses). SICK. oh well, the producers had a great time, and i smiled through the entire thing...and they laughed and i laughed and the only person in the room who barely cracked a smile was my dad. He's not a fan of contracts, he takes these meetings really seriously . Which is cool, i mean someone has to! Plus the weight thing bugs him...he gets protective and angry but he keeps his cool. Anyway, we signed everything and everything is all set up and written in stone. Tomorrow i have J all day which is wonderful but also nerve wracking...i mean, she does sort of melt me to butter. But i so long to be tortured for a full day...and she is just so damn good at it!!!!! Stay in it to win it!!! Peace out little ladies. 

Constipation and Contemplation

sOOOO, As i'm sure you have all inferred from the title of this post...i am very very constipated and not entirely sure what to do about it. I'm not really into laxatives because they make life too unpredictable...an entire day on the toilette is unrealistic...there's just too much to do and nothing more embarrassing then excusing ones self from an audition or a shoot to go let mother nature play its course. I honestly wouldn't complain or bring it up at all...but its been 5 days and i don't know the average length of time a person can go....but 5 days is a bit in my book! Any suggestions??? DON'T TELL ME TO EAT GRAPES- I hate grapes more then anything else in the entire world!!!!!!!

Ok, so the producer meeting is tomorrow which is wicked cool. They faxed over all the paperwork we're gonna be going over last night...and my contract actually has a FAT clause!!!! I am not permitted to gain more then 10 pounds during the run of the show....it says nothing, of course, of losing weight! I thought that was hilarious...and awesome!!! I mean, the more incentives not to eat the better, right? My dad wasn't too happy...but he won't say anything about it. Thats why i like him, the strong silent type. He wants to protect me from the world that i beg and plead and would do anything to be a part of...but he knows how badly i want it and i think he wants it that badly for me!!! Anyway...i just thought that was a funny section of the agreement!!! I will happily sign!!!

On that note, a lot of comments have been talking about my happiness level. I am happy, very happy...i mean, things are happening exactly as i planned....everything! However, i don't really do anything else...i spend the majority of my time exercising, which, though i love it, gets tiresome and repetitive. My only real friend is my father. My mother doesn't speak to me or care at all about my existence, I have an nasty little habit of landing myself in the hospital right in the midst of VERY IMPORTANT SHIT,  and i will most likely die before 40 because of bone deterioration or some other shit thing not eating for 12 years does to the body. But despite all that....yeah, i'm happy. It might be a skewed, slightly messed up version of happiness...but who is there to judge, i have no one!!!! The less people you let in, the less people there are to compare yourself and the state of your life to...to put things in perspective. On the upside...who wants to live past 40??? wrinkles, children, marriage, mortgages...doesn't sound magical to me...so yes....HAPPY...happy happpy happy!!!! I hope you all are as happy as i am!!!! peace out...and stay in it to win it little ladies!!!!

echhh

Echhhh, I was 112 this morning....and it was like, 112.5 which makes noooo sense because i had NOTHING yesterday of any substance. I had a slice of 40 cal bread with a slice of turkey and cheese melted on it...and that was IT. At the very most it was 400 cals (which i doubt) so how does one GAIN weight eating 400 calories??? This world makes no sense. Thanks god my meeting with the producers isnt until Sunday. I also get to resume my twice weekly workouts with J come Monday, so the weight is less worrisome knowing that intensity is coming. There's just so much more at stake with my weight then just vanity or obsession...and entire viewing audience will be watching my body, judging at and reading in tabloids about it. Perhaps i'm getting ahead of myself...i mean, the studio hasn't even picked this up yet, so anything could happen between now and September. Thats how it works out here with pilots...you get a script, you get actors, you build sets, you spend thousands of dollars shooting something that may never see the light of day. Oh well...i believe the studio actually already took half an option on this show...because of K's attachment to it....so that means 6 episodes NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Thank god! AND, no matter what happens i get paid. I just get paid a SHIT TON more if it gets picked up for a full run! 

Hanna, to answer your question, YES my dad knows about this blog...he doesn't read it or know the password to get onto it, but he's not just my dad, he's also one of my agents and my manager and perhaps for most people this would be a monumental error, but it works for us. I'm sorry if it sounds strange or weird to you...but so many things have really really NOT worked for us...so i'm not gonna fuck with it. I mean, if he lets me do whatever the fuck i need to do to get thin and to stay that way...why shut him out?? He helps, he helps a lot!!!! My dad's the only reason i'm not in a hospital right now...he's the only reason i have an agent at all, and he's the only person, other then you ladies, who i trust...and he's earned my trust. 

Drum roll please....

I'll just begin with my weight...since it is the focus of my life and the all consuming question on EVERYONES mind (that of course could just be in my head)...but i was 111 this morning...which is nuts and insane and wonderful and overwhelming and and and....i'm out of ands. Just got back from the gym....not with J unfortunately. I did mostly cardio this morning to get ready for my shoot this evening, but i threw in some ab workouts. I took pilates my senior year of undergrad and i learned the most amazing stomach tightening techniques that i now swear by. So I'm lying there on my purple workout mat that i bring with me to the gym...because god knows who or WHAT has sweated on those blue gym mats. And I just finished a set, and i'm breathing and running my fingers inside that little concave area between my ribs when i noticed someone staring. There was this middle age woman on the treadmill behind my sweating to the oldies or whatever the fuck people listen to at the gym (i stick with jagged little pill- Alanis...i know, behind the times blah blah blah, but i love it!) and staring at me point blank. I saw the envy in her eyes searing into me...and i sorta milked it. I stretched out long on my mat and breathed in sucking the concave deeper, and then i glanced at her again out of the corner of my eye...and she was still watching. It was like i was a tv set...or a fucking twinki, and her mouth was watering. The woman couldn't have been more then 150 pounds...probably 5'6'' or something like that...just a guestimate...but i saw the hunger in her eyes and I LOVED IT. I love when people look at me and want to look like me...now i'm not a huge fan of those people actually speaking to me....but the afar thing really works for me. I got off on it so much i hopped on the treadmill next to her and doubled her speed....I'M A HUGE ASS HOLE BY THE WAY!!!! She stopped outright staring...but every few minutes she'd glance over at my time, or my calories/hr and then quickly avert he eyes....PEOPLE ARE FASCINATING!!!

   Sooooo, i'm sure you're wondering why i saved this for the middle of my post...i know, i'm strange that way, but i wanted to describe the gym thing first, because it just happened and put me in the wonderful mood i was in when i got home, like 3o minutes ago and listened to the answering machine. I GOT THE FUCKING PART. HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS!!!!!! I'm in. We start filming in February and my script is already on its way and they want a meeting with me and my agents to talk terms and they loved me and and and....god whats with all the ands right! So I'M IN!!! And guess what, L didnt get cast. Not as the best friend, not as anything!!!!! So its me and K and NOOOOOO L, at all!!! This set is going to be a fabulous environment to work in. I can't believe it....like, its a dream come true. I'm going to be acting every day...with awesome people. I do have to tell you, my dad immediately gave me a talking to about this blog and the privacy shit i'll be signing and how important it is that i don't divulge anything that could give me away...blah blah blah...i won't, but i'll tell you everything else, so don't worry!!!!!! I think its supposed to air next season though...thats all i'm gonna say..nothing else....ahhhh, just too excited now. I think i'll go run around the block a billion times until i'm exhausted....because nothing else seems to calm me down these days. I'm stuck in this permanent manic episode....of course it is justified as things have been going ridiculously well and i should probably just shut up and count my blessings!!! Ok, gonna go exhaust myself now before the shoot tonight, peace out little ladies!!!! 

Old Movies

Dad took me to a series of short, early films at the Shrine tonight to distract me...we just got back. I can't believe where movies have come from..its amazing. The best is this chick, the first female filmmaker Alice Guy-Blache. She was the first one to advocate underacting...and the idea that cinema, unlike the theater, demanded a more subdued style of acting. She and her husband were immigrants and she made this film called "Making an American Citizen"...it came out in 1912 and its amazing...you should youtube it if you get the chance. I thought it was hysterical...yes, over the top, but so poignant and perceptive considering the year it was released and the political climate in America at the time...melting pot that it was....and is of course. The other one i loved was "Princess Nicotine; or, The Smoke Fairy", which was made by J. Stuart Blackton in 1909 and its amazing too. If you do youtube it, remember the year and where technology was and that they were cutting with cutting boards and not computers. WOW. Sorry about the ramble. I think i get manic when i'm exposed to new movies....just too excited. I'm glad we went though...at least i got my mind off of things. I did not think about my impending glory or doom for an entire 2 hours....impressive huh? I ate the yogurt already, this morning, over the course of 3 hours....i just carried it around the house with me finding different things to do and then forgetting about the yogurt. So i still need to eat the peanut butter and apple. I'm feeling sneaky though, so i might just not and say i did! Goodnight little ladies!!!!!

LIMBO

Hey guys...first off, THANK YOU ALL soooo much for the wonderful posts. It really amazes me how wonderfully this blog substitutes for not having any friends. I know it sounds kinda pathetic...that i don't really have friends...but any friends i ever did have just got "concerned" or turned me in to a guidance councilor or spread rumors about me. I just need to preface this post by saying how grateful i am for you all! That being said...i am in utter and complete disarray. Still no call from the agent or the studio...but if you think about it...it sort of makes sense. The tests they did on Sunday have to go through a huge line of producers and studio execs before the final decision can be made. So I just have to try and live my life and NOT think about this monumental thing that COULD happen very very soon. 

Yesterday was ridiculous. Like...it was an entire day of me jumping from the couch to the elliptical to the couch to the elliptical. You seeeee....my dad bought me this 300 dollar, used elliptical on Craigs list so i could get in some Cardio without having to actually go to the gym. Its been really useful...especially yesterday. I went to the 7/11...the worst mistake a girl can ever make...and raided the candy aisle. I spent, like, 5o bucks on crap there and brought it all home with me. I then put on "Princess Bride" and ate...like, the worst binge i've had in months. But i actually felt pretty savvy about it. My dad and i have a no purge rule. He lets me do what i want and helps me in any way he can as long as there's no purging involved. So of course, going into this binge, i know the rules and i know my dad is always home and will hear me if i vomit...so i didnt. Instead, i would eat each item....like, a packet of cookies...and read the total caloric intake, which was 400 calories, and then i'd hop on the elliptical and not let myself off until i had burned 400 calories...then i'd get off and pick another item of junk-food. Let me tell you, by the time my binge hit 1100 calories i was so tired i couldn't even chew anymore. What a glorious way to spend a day. I didn't lose any weight doing it, but i also didn't gain...so it was a  successful binge....but my head spun all night...even after i'd fallen asleep i felt like i was in one of those spinning tea cups. So i'm not gonna do it again today...which i why i decided to start the day with a post...and clear my head a little bit. 

I haven't mentioned J in a bit....but she hasn't really left my head. Part of me feels like...i know if i get this part, i'll get J too....so its like this double win. And i'll get her in this very platonic, safe way. She'll be my coach...and i can lean on her...and look at her and stare into her eyes. If i get the role we can keep playing the fun cat and mouse game that i guess i enjoy....And if i don't get the part....and i want to see her again, i'd have to actually do something. I'd have to call her and arrange something that would be really awkward and weird. I don't know...i keep associating J with this role and also with gayness and adulthood and losing my dad. I want to have an affair with her, i do...i've sort of settled this in my head....but it has to be an affair and not EVER a relationship. Because there's just too much at stake and losing my dad would be an absolute NIGHTMARE. ok ok ok, i need to focus on the work, on the task at hand. Tomorrow i have a modeling gig so i will actually go to the gym today and do some strength training, and then i will watch a movie and go to bed and i will eat a yogurt (110 cal) pre workout and have an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for dinner and that will be ALL. You girls are wonderful, keep faith and remember that we're all in it to win it!!!!!

Callback

Oh god...i just got home and immediately am writing a post...thats how much i A) Love you guys and know you are all rooting for me...and B) Just need to talk to SOMEONE about all this crappppp!!!!! My dad is sort of the quiet type if you know what i mean. 

Ok....back to today. Scale said 113 this morning...holy SHIT BALLS OF JOY!!!!!! Got off scale sure that it was an omen that things were looking up. The clouds had parted and the sun was peaking through and smiling down on me! I got dressed and ate a power bar so i would be fully with it and got in the car. We got to the studio and got our drive on pass and went to the bungalow same as before, but this time one of the producers met us at our car. He shook my dads hand and put his arm around my shoulders giving them a little squeeze. It was TRES odd! I hate older men...don't know why....but i hate them and unfortunately they totally run this town. We all walked into the bungalow together. Right before we got inside he pulled his arm off my shoulder...so i knew that L must be in there too. Inside the bungalow was a fo-living room set with three cameras on tripods filming different sections of the room. Again, behind the camera's sat the producers...and on a big tall directors chair sat...guess WHO!!! the director.

He saw me and smiled brightly...which i could tell pissed L off. I've me L at a few functions before this and she's not really the nicest girl. I mean...there's no hype about her being a bitch or anything, at least that i've heard and let me tell you, hair and makeup people talk...but, well, she was sort of a bitch today. She didn't smile at me AT ALL....and she also rolled her eyes when K jumped up and hugged me. I LOVE K....and i have to get this part so i can play her daughter and work with someone that amazing every day!!! So the director settled us down and told us the facts...laid it all out for us. He said, yes, we were both up for the same part and that it was definitely just between the two of us now because they have to start shooting in February. He said he was going to have us each do this scene in the living room with our mother and then we were going to transition to a bedroom set and we would be doing another scene...that i had NOT been given ahead of time and was thus def not prepared for, with each other...yes L and I would be doing the scene between the lead and her best friend. I really couldn't imagine anything worse...anything more anxiety provoking. But i tried to forget about it..push it out of my mind at least so i could nail the first scene first. Which i think i did...K and i worked really well together...we just flowed seamlessly and i know she likes me better because i watched her scene with L, i was sure they'd make me leave the room, but they didn't and L watched mine....very unorthodox. But K just seemed to have more fun during our run through. 

After that we were given a couple hours for lunch during which we could look over the sides and get ready for the next scene. My dad and i found a quiet bench outside of one of the dining halls and ran lines the entire time. I did NO beat breakdowns or anything like that...i just HAD to get it memorized. I feel like thats the trick with things...no matter how good you are or how well you have prepared, if you have a script in your hand it looks like your acting. So after the 2 hours we went back and the bungalow set was gone and now there was a single camera and a bed and that was it....empty otherwise. The living room set had been really grand and decorative...but this was literally just a bed...so i plopped down and waited for him to tell me who i would be playing first. L got up from her chair by the craft services...she actually ate lunch which made me feel superior for, like, a half a second. The director asked her to read the lead first which freaked me out completely and convinced me that she would be cast. So i sucked it up and did the best i could at the friend...and i thought i did a passable job. Then we switched and i was thinking, here we go...this is it...you break it or make it right now. And the stress and buildup of the moment was really overwhelming and i started to cry...like, actual tears came out of my eyes...but instead of freaking out, i just turned to L and said my first line. She looked really shocked, but kept going. And even though my character wasn't freaking out about anything...she was upset at her friend...and the tears helped. Like, they fit...WELL....it worked really well and when it was over, i quickly smiled and wiped my eyes proudly, a final sell! The director clapped...which he didn't do for L, and my heart was pounding crazy fast. My dad was all smiles so i knew i'd done good. Then the producer...the main one i guess, clapped his hands together and said, ok, thats it for today ladies. We'll be getting back to you shortly. UGHHHHH, MORE FUCKING WAITING. I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T KNOW SOON. Doesn't he get that my life is hanging on the brink of his stupid decision? How can they be so cruel? 

ooooh, but before we went to lunch, i did get to watch playback of both our scenes with K....and let me tell you, L did an amazing job...like spot on perfect. And mine was really good, but not quite as polished which freaks me out to no end. But i also noticed how...and i'm not making this up...but L is a little rounder in the rear then I am....and K is super slender...like as skinny as me but 15 years older, crazy! plus, like i said before, we sort of have the same look, like...just simple and adorable. And L is GORGEOUS, but not cute...at all. She's also got a different bone structure then us. Oh god, what if i am making all of this up to make myself feel better....god, i need to stop breaking all of this down...i do, i just need to STOP!!! Please comment, i need to read good things and be distracted. -by the way, thank you all soooo much for your posts and interest in my life!!! I have NEVER been able to talk or write this freely before. THANK YOU!!!!!! :)

FYI

Yo, so you want to know abt the IV fluids. My dad administers them, not me. It's a basic saline drip...he gets them by prescription at the hospital pharmacy at our neighboring hospital. It's the same stuff they give you if you go to the hospital with a stomach flu and you r dehydrated, sugar water. So at the very least, each day, i intake a substantial amount of water and sugar to keep my electrolytes and blood sugar balanced...to some extent. The doctor at the hospital i was last stashed in showed my dad how to set up a line, and now he does it like a pro. We stick to the veins in my feet. it'll work in almost any metacarpal vein...but if you have too many dots in certain places, people start to ask drug questions. Plus, its easier to see veins on your feet then on your arms. Dad checked me out of the hospital that last time because i was so miserable i wanted to kill myself...i just explained that this was my choice and it was sustainable and that all i wanted to do was act and he didn't freak out...it was the first hospitalization since my over-dramatic, self indulgent mother has been out of the picture....so he just took me home and we make it work. I mean, i've all but completely stopped puking and i do what he says...he isn't the enemy anymore which makes life oddly easier.

Auditon Day

So yesterday was the big day...the BIG DAY. I don't really know where to start, so i'll begin with the scale because thats how my day started. Remember now that all day Thursday i injested no calories other then IV fluids....so i got on the scale and it read 114...which is my all time low...ever...well, since i was in my early teens!!!!! So it began as a wonderful day! I had a protein bar in the car on the way to the auditions so i would have maximum energy for the audition. We got there and got our studio drive on pass and parked right next to the bungalows that house all of the executive producers. The first Bungalow we went into was, like, a giant, hollow waiting room. There was no one else there though...most likely because this is a high profile show and they are also likely auditioning some names for it, so they'd never make people wait together like they do in cattle calls.  So some lady came in and brought my dad a coffee and me a water and then we waited...like 15 minutes and they brought me into the next bungalow over. It was sort of hollow also, but it had a camera set up and being manned by a guy, a row of men behind tables and clipboards beside the camera. In front of the camera, though, was K.....now, i can say very little about K...her name does not begin with the letter K as J's does....but i feel that anonymity is most crucial at this juncture as K is super famous and I almost passed out seeing her there because i know that we're reading the mother/daughter scene and thus my wonderful powers of deduction....I WAS GONNA GET TO ACT WITH K!!!! Killer!!!! ok, so i got up there, everyone was super nice to me, including K. One of the producers said to go ahead and start whenever i was read, so i took a really deep breath and i started and it rocked. K is a super giving actor....she made great eye contact and every emotional shift i took, she was right there with me. God I hope she's already cast...i mean, she wouldn't have been in there at all if i wasn't already cast, right?? Ok, so when we finished they all clapped and the director was smiling the brightest of all of them, which we all know is a good sign, and then they said thank you and that was it. Can you believe it, no second reading, nothing...ahhhhhh!!!!! My heart was going about  a billion miles a minute but i smiled and said thank you and left. 

So i had only been there an hour right....it wasnt a late audition or anything like that but i couldn't write a blog....everything was way too up in the air and i was freaking out and the uncertainty was KILLING me...so guess what i did....i called J....I'm an idiot. And i told my dad i was going for a run and i had J pick me up at the basketball courts near my house and we went to a diner where i consumed cake....girls CAKE....DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES CAKE HAS....goodbye 114 forever. And i did it in front of J....all my willpower, everything i'd been working toward just crumbled and i ate cake including the cream cheese icing and i wanted to die. But while i was eating it, and here is the kicker ladies, while i was eating it i didnt even think about the calories...or notice them. I was fixed on J's eyes and on her voice and, i dunno...it was a trance...a very very very dangerous trance. 

So after the cake J took me home and when i got in the house my dad didnt notice at all that i had no sweat on me....from my supposed run, because he'd gotten a call from the agent...well, and the studio. 

They want me back for a callback...YESSSS!!! So that's the good news. K loved me and found me adorable and the producers like me also...but here comes the bad news. There's someone else up for my role, and that someone is a name someone which i am NOT. We'll call her L. So L apparently read today too, was one of the short listed girls....i guess the entire show has been cast except for this part and they brought in 6 girls today and now its narrowed down to 2...thank GOD i'm one of them. But here's the thing...when i walked into the room with K back at the bungalow...i remember thinking how much we actually did sort of look alike...and i was like, good on you producers for pairing us together...but if K is ACTUALLY already cast as the mother, then it should be me...right? I mean, i know L...you guys, well, some of you, probably know who L is also, and she looks NOTHING like me....or K. Like, completely different coloring...different hair, so what are they thinking. I guess there's always hair dye or extensions but fuck. Ok, the callback is tomorrow, Sunday, and i have to be ready. So i will eat nothing today...NOTHING. I already told dad i was gonna do IV fluids today and he seemed fine with that, so that cake WILL be a thing of the past by tomorrow...it has to be. Oh my god, i don't think i've ever wanted anything this badly before. Please wish me luck and keep all of your fingers and toes crossed tomorrow!!!!! thanks girlies!!!!

will this day never end

OK, its about 5pm now and this is officially the SLOWEST fucking day known to man. No J, so no movement at all...plus my dad said i shouldn't look dead for my audition tomorrow...so no workout at all today or tomorrow which PETRIFIES ME. But whatev, its for my career and dad is right, its more important. 

I have also weighed myself every hour on the hour since i woke up at 7 this morning. The scale has told a very uneventful story all day that i won't pass on to you at the moment. I've also been WAY more obsessed with food all day, prob cause of the lack of exercise or stimulus of any kind...like yesterday i was fine cause i was focused on the shoot all day. I keep sneaking down to the kitchen to check out the situation...but my dad hangs out in the den, which is right next to the kitchen, so at least i'm being monitored. I broke down at 2pm and told him i didn't think i could eat anything because i was freaking out and wouldn't be able to stop so i have an iv with lunch and dinner in it hanging next to me right now. I know they use these things in the hospital and it sucks and all, but they really do rock if you don't even want the temptation of food or sugar on your lips at ALL. So thats my day so far. The audition is tomorrow morning at 11...i'm totally off book and ready...SO READY. I don't know who'll be there but i hope its a short list..my agent said it was a short list. Ughhhhh, i want to take something and go to sleep so today can end already. PATIENCE IS SOOOO NOT ONE OF MY VIRTUES!!! wish me luck tomorrow ladies...you are sooo all the best and your comments have been wonderful and so thought provoking!!! keep em coming! ahhhhhh, i'm gonna bounce right out of my skin in a few minutes. 

She's Giving me FACE

So It's almost 2am, i just got home from the shoot and i feel amazing. First of all, i just jumped on the scale, at the freaking END of the day, and it said 116...which is ONE pound away from my audition goal weight and i still have another day! Yesssss!!!!! I don't know if i'll be able to get to sleep at all tonight because i did no exercise and everything coming up is just way way way too exciting. 

The shoot went great, i was posing and moving and i felt like, really hungry and limp and gangly and the photographer loved it and kept yelling out at me, "she's giving me face" and then he'd turn around and smile and wink at my dad, which i found OOBER creepy! but whatev, he's happy, he liked me, he'll tell others and there is now going to be an ad with me in a gorgeous gown in magazines. The ONLY bad part of the shoot was, when i got there, i had to get into the gown first so hair could work around it, and as i predicted, it was a little loose, (ladies, i had to feign an apologetic look, but i was RIDICULOUSLY happy and vindicated)...she bitched loud though and that was an embarrassing way to start a shoot, so that sucked...but hey, you have to deal with some crappy people to make amazing things!!! Tomorrow is going to be so strange and dull...nothing at all to do. Hmmmm, perhaps i shall spend my day reading blogs since i've had such little time to do so....and i will not think of, call, or fantasize about J, because my career is way too fucking important to throw away because i harbor romantic feelings for a chick...i can get over it...i can....can't i???

Why am i an idiot???

Sorry i didn't write last night gals, but J killed me, and once again i barely got out of the shower before i was asleep. I think the thing i like about our "nine to fives" the best is that by the time i get home, i just have NO desire to eat anymore. I'd say that nighttime is usually my hardest time of day...because its so easy to be good all day, and then night comes around and i'll put in a movie or smoke some weed (which i can't do anymore because when i do i almost always give in to some sort of crap food). Night time is just crappy and I really hope i get this role because then i could get the studio to pay for weekly sessions with J and i could go to bed starving every night...and wake up feeling elated!!! 

  So, back to J...i have to get all of this out in 45 minutes because of the commercial shoot...the one with the gown i mentioned in my previous post...i'll tell you all about it later tonight or tomorrow morning!...ok, back to J. So when i got to the gym it was wicked early and i was still pretty exhausted...though the adderal had begun to kick in and i wasn't like, falling over or anything. J was standing outside waiting for me in this form-fitted spandex suit that NO ONE else on the planet should wear...but on J it looked incredible! She gave me a quick once over...and then we hugged...which lasted a while...i'm not sure if it was a real hug or a bone count...but either way being in her arms felt amazing. God, Hana, i think its true, i'm gay....what a weird realization to have over blog. I'm not sure how i'm supposed to handle this, but i'm doing my best....and the best part of the day is yet to come so i'll keep going. Ok, so we went into the gym and she put me on the treadmill to warm up. Then we did a bunch of floor exercises, squats, push ups, planks etc....and every time i'd change positions, J would come down next to me and sort of run her hands down the sides of my body, aligning me properly i think. I mean, its something i see trainers do often...but this was on every new set...she'd start under my arms and just run down to my outer thighs. I'd get chills EVERY time and I'm sure she noticed the shiver at least once...because at 2, when she insisted we break for lunch, instead of going to the cafe in the gym, she grabbed her car keys and pulled me into her car, and really without saying much, we sped off. She took me to a dive bar on Sunset and we sat at the bar, and she ordered me a Ceasar salad with the dressing on the side, and she ordered a burger for herself (she knows my dad would be livid if she made me eat a burger). When the salad came i picked at it and she watched, with this look of concern that i would have fucking hated on anyone else...but everything she does and every look she makes seems to melt the hate right out of me. When she was done and i clearly wasn't going to eat anymore, she ran her hand down my arm, smiled and said "you don't have to do this you know"---and i wasn't sure what she was talking about exactly...i mean, the role or the starving or the exercise. So i pulled my arm away and said "i do". And she actually smiled, like it was the answer she wanted. So we got up, got back in her car and went back to the gym for some more grueling exhaustion. And she continued doing the stroke thing to my side, almost all day. Then, when we finally finished and it was time for me to go, she was like, packing her gym bag up and i was chugging down water after my last set and she said, hey "my name" you wanna go to D's? Which is a very trendy club in West Hollywood that i've never been to because, well, i have no reason, just never been there. But i said no...mostly because i was so tired...but also because i'm pretty sure J is into me now...or i damn sure hope she is...but i don't know what my dad would say...and then my actual commercial agent...i don't know what she'd say...there are just a lot of stupid people who's faces suddenly popped into my head when she asked...and all the faces were saying things about my reputation and about booking roles in this town...and i blanked and i said no and now i hate myself because i don't get to see her again until after the audition on friday...UGHHHHH WHY ME??? OK...pulling myself together....i somehow managed to start crying while typing and i sooo have to look pretty for this shoot today. I have two lines but mostly i think they want me swooshing around in the dress...i dunno, i'll tell you more about it tonight, or tomorrow if it takes a shit long time! Peace out ladies...and wish me luck!

before bed

Ok, back at the house doing one last blog before my full day with J tomorrow. Unfortunately for me, she was out today and had her friend R sub in...sucked my balls!!!!!! I really missed her...but luckily i have tomorrow to think about and there's no way she'd bail on a "nine-to-five" as she calls our long days. Gonna go to bed so i don't think too much about the scale tomorrow and how badly it has to say something good. Luckily on Wednesday i have a commercial shoot i booked two weeks ago. Can't say what its for but the dress fitting was 9 days ago and i hope i still fit into the gown because that was 4 pounds ago...but i guess skinnier is hella better then fatter right girls! thanks so much for the amazing words of encouragement, you are wonderful as is this underground world of ours! 

Pllleeaasse let the 23rd never come

OK, so i just have to say, having an ACTUAL reason to starve myself that the rest of the world/film industry deems legitimate is like fucking gold!!! I went to my acting coach this morning to work on my audition...the one i havent been able to shut up about because i'm so excited....and she told me how proud she is of me and how my will power makes her thing of Renee Zellweger, and how i could really make it in the business from what she's seen. She made me stand up in front of her and do a couple of turn so she could analyze my body. She smiled so big and said...wow "my name" i can't believe how much weight you've lost in two weeks. And then she went straight to business and we worked those lines till they were balls of dough in my hands. But no matter what else she said to me, the entire session, all i heard was what she said at the beginning of the session...about my will power! 

  Ok, back to everything else...i havent eaten solid food in 4 days now...which is fantastic. I got on the scale today and was 117, which is only 2 pounds away from my goal audition weight...but now i'm wondering if i can get to 113 before the big day...if i get another colonic or something...i dunno. I guess the body can only burn so much so fast...ughhhh!

  I have another session with J tomorrow and i can't wait for that. I can't quite get her out of my head. Its so weird...i really had started to fancy myself as Asexual...but then the other day, her hands were on my hip bones and that look of concern plastered over her tough but gorgeously chiseled face...and my heart just started to pound and i got this burning sensation in my chest and i just wanted to kiss her. God, if i am gay...that would kill my dad. I mean, he'd be crazed i think. Oh well, a girl can have her fantasy life right...i just won't tell him!

     My mom called last night...she's abroad at the moment...not really that interested in me or my dad anymore. She's kind of that type of a person, i learned it from her. She just DOES NOT CARE about anyone but herself...and i used to hate her for it...but now i admire it about her. I mean, she's never racked with guilt over missing a birthday or forgetting something important to someone she loves...she's completely anxiety free. It's amazing. I totally see why my dad fell for her. But i also understand why he had custody all those years...even though i would have given anything to quit school and go galavanting around the globe with her. Whatever. When things are going this well, its easy not to care. 

Ok, here's the plan...i'm gonna finish this post, sign off, go workout with J for 4 hours (maybe figure out if i'm gay or not), get a facial peel, come home....do facial peel...possibly post again, work on my lines.....hmmmm....then go to bed...and thats it. Ok, energy levels are high...just gotta keep it up! I totally don't want the 23rd to ever come. This is a wonderful way to live.

workout with J

Ughhh, i couldn't write last night because by the time i got home from my workout with J i barely made it to the bed before i passed out. It was amazing. I have NEVER worked out that hard before. My dad dropped me off at the gym to meet J at 9am and i got home at 7pm, like walking death. Only downside, J is not a pro ana advocate...so i had to eat. ON the upside, my dad did explain the part i'm up for and how its very important that my body is a weight burning machine right now. J gave me a lot of looks today...concerned looks that just fueled me and confirmed that i am looking thinner and that i possibly have a shot at this part after all! I explained to J that i really really needed exercises that would flatten my chest out. It's been getting smaller the past week, significantly smaller. My A bra is no longer necessary AT ALL (I am really proud of this fact because i haven't gone without a bras since i actually WAS 15). So this is a very very good sign. She had me doing massive pushup sets and hanging from bars too elongate my torso. It was great. I really really love J, and i know you all would too, because she's a crazy nazi in the gym. She yells and inspires and gets pissed if i don't do as much as she knows i'm capable of. I love it. I would follow her to the moon if she told me too! In fact, i havent really been attracted to anyone in a long fucking long time...so maybe i'm gay and i have a crush on J...that would be interesting. Ok, not gonna focus on my possibly ambiguous sexuality right now...i have to get these lines down for the audition. 

It's a fucking amazing part...i've been reading the pilot over and over again and i'm obsessed. I shouldn't give it away, but i'll give you some small things. I get to play this teen, abused by her mom and sent to live with her dad in a very Heidi-esq little town in the mountains. The producers are refusing to work with an actual teenager and my agent says i'm on the top of the list for this one...so my chances are hugeeee!!! 

Ahhhh, i'm just so fucking excited...which is making me not hungry AT ALL, so its wonderful...WONDERFUL!!! Dad and i are going to the spas tomorrow morning so i can get a colonic and he can get a massage. That should take off another pound or so before the big day. I just feel ridiculously lucky to have such an amazing dad who is so willing to put his life on hold to help me. And such supportive friends.

Ok, i haveeee to be off book by tomorrow so i can go to my acting coach ready and determined!!! Wish me massive amounts of luck...pllleaaassseee!!!! I will be 115 by my audition...and 110 before we start filming....yessss!!! 

119 and a fuck

Ughhh, so i'm starting this blog because i don't know what else to do. I'm a huge fan of Ana Regzig...she's just so eloquent and prolific and reading her blog is always so cathartic for me, especially on bad days like today, but she hasn't written in ages, thus my new blog. I live in LA, the city where dreams are made, but damn its a tough city to work in as an actor. I wonder all the time if i should just pack it up and go back to New York. Unfortunately work is super tight right now and i couldnt even afford to go back to NY if i wanted to. Not to mention my modeling agent just sat me down and gave me the "we can't be your parents out here" speech. She basically said that if i don't start eating or hiding the fact that i'm not eating better, she's gonna drop me. 

I know exactly why it happened though. Last week i was modeling a runway show and i was just super edgy because i'd been fasting 2 days prior, and there was this little midget man running around with a plate of crust-inis with mozzarella on them, and my eyes just fixed on them the minute they came in the room...i couldn't help myself and i grabbed one and shoved it into my mouth in this really grotesque, animalistic way. And when i finally swallowed i looked up and saw 4 bitches staring at me with the look...the, ooooh, she cracked...finally look. 

Whatever, i felt so disgusting after that, i didn't even go near the water dispensers for the rest of the show. I wouldn't have anyway though, my dad always brings this huge bucket of water to the runway shows. He usually looks out for me when there's food there too, diverting my attention, or pulling me out of the room to get air. He was in the bathroom though, and my hand had a life of its own. Ughhh, i didn't tell him either, which made me feel way more guilty. 

So i got the fucking talk from an enormously fat bitch who drinks large saucers of coffee all day packed with creamers and sugars galore. My dad calls her the office cow...which he thinks is super funny. Damn i hope he doesn't find this blog, he'd kill me, absolutely fucking kill me. I used a new email account and i didn't provide any personal information. He's obsessed with my career right now...which is great because he deals with my agents and all the dramatic bullshit i'd have to deal with...but it gets annoying when he micro manages every minute of my life. I had an audition two days ago for a really awesome tv pilot that i'd be perfect for...absolutely perfect, and he wouldn't even let me go in for the part. He said it wasn't the direction we wanted to go in. And you know what i did...nope, i did not fucking call child-protective services because i'm 22 and an adult who is exploiting her father for free labor...not a child naively being led around by a stage parent. So i accent the crap i get from him for the glory it reaps. 

Ok, no more eating for the rest of the week. I have an audition at the WB on the 23rd which gives me 5 days to get down to 115. I'm supposed to be auditioning for the part of a 15 year old, so the less i have on me the better. Plus, when i feel empty, i feel smaller, so it'll be easier to get into the character of someone meek and young. My dad got me some adder-al to help out, just for these few days. I don't use them often, just when a big part is coming up thats a lot younger then my actual age....you'd be amazed at how skinny these producers think 15 year olds are...i mean, i was in high school not too long ago...and there were fucking few non-ana girls as skinny as i am now. Fuck this industry man...but you gotta love it!!! Ok, wish me luck....its time to go be diligent!!!!! I'll try to write again tomorrow!!!!