Saturday, May 2, 2009


Hey ladies,

I'm 100% a big, stupid loser!!! i got back to the states ages ago and resumed taping for the show...but just sort of put off writing because everything was just shit. I know, i hate me too. Paris was INCREDIBLE...for the most part. My mother is an enormous bitch and she ditched me (very often) to go have sex with random french men. Perhaps my mother turned me into a lesbian??? 
Anywho, when i got back we had about 4 episodes left to tape...they all got taped!!!! It was a rollercoaster but its in the can as we say in the film world! I hate life since the show ended. You see, it hasnt aired i have a shit ton of waiting to see if anyone likes it...see if it leads to anything else career wise....and my weight is BLECH. I don't even wanna say what it is because i'm far too ashamed...especially after all the wonderful french designer clothing i bought...which is now sitting in my closet with tags still on. J won't speak to me AT ALL. I've left her at least a dozen messages. GOD DAMN IT i wish i was one of those people who could just suck it up and go confront people...FORCE them to deal with me and resolve things but NOOOOOO....I'm this huge fat loser who bitches and moans about the travails of her life to people who will never confront or disagree... I HATE MYSELF...LOATHHHHH!!!!!

Ok- new goals- 1) pick a fucking sport and stick with it. I no longer have a trainer so i have to figure out a new way to stay in shape. I was thinking tennis??? 
also- 2) go to a gay bar....accept that fact that most men make you vomit and go get some ass before you are too old to get ass!!!! I live in Hollywood so how hard can it fucking be to find some gay clubs i like. 3) try to do more things dunno...just whenever i'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable...think about what i'm planning on doing and do the opposite. I'll try that for a while and see how it goes. I'm gonna catch up with your blogs tomorrow all day ladies...i need some inspiration :)

Missed you- sorry it took me so long to feel like i could face you all again! 


  1. Missed you! Glad you're back

  2. Get it back together again. Stay strong. <3

  3. I'm soooo glad your back, I've really, really missed your posts!
    The new goals sound great, glad that things are getting back on track :)
    all my love and support x

  4. I'm so happy you're back!!

    I was going to say tennis too.
    I've been playing my whole life, and it really works out your entire body.
    It's so much fun and you can play for hours before getting tired.
    And of course, it's also one of the only sports where you can wear DRESSES!

    xx, Daisy

  5. Welcome back.

    Love your blog :)

  6. I pretty much read all your posts in one day. :p You are SO inspiring. I love it.

  7. So glad you're back. I missed your posts.
    I thought maybe you abandoned the whole enterprise. You've got quite a flair for writing. Have you thought about working on a screenplay?