Tara

Had a commercial audition today. It was amazing how different this audition was compared to the auditions i used to get pre-show. I used to get called in like cattle with at least 4o other girls, clumped into a big, ugly room with fold-up chairs, and forced to wait for at least 45 min to an hour to even get my turn. Then i'd get one line reading, no adjustment at all from the director, and sent off to "wait." The key to doing this job without wanting pry your eyes out with something jagged, is to NEVER "wait." The minute you walk out of an audition you must accept that you did not get the role. It's a very difficult thing to do, especially when you were super excited about the role to begin with. 

OK- back to today...why was today different? My manager says we have more leverage right now. These teen shows attract a younger audience that can't yet afford DVRs and are thus forced to sit through commercials. Because the DVR is basically ruining tv right now (i can explain in more detail if you'd like but i think its pretty obvious....snack foods, insurance companies, coke companies....they all fund these tv shows with their ads....no commercials means no ads which means no funding)....so because the dvr is ruining tv and there are only a few market groups (ie young teenage girls and boys) left available without access to dvrs...commercials actually WANT me to sell their shit. Does that make sense? I guess since my show is such a teen oriented show... 

Oh well, who cares how it happened...the point is that i walked into the audition and was met...MET by a lovely little man (like 5 feet 5 inches) in a purple suit who immediately escorted me into a private meeting with the director who actually PITCHED the commercial concept to me. As though i were some big, name celebrity he was trying to win over. So, in other words, i had the part before i walked in the door and they were selling ME. My how things have changed in a year. Perhaps life post-show won't be so boring after all. 

I'm home now from that and dressed to go to the gym. I've decided that i've had enough training sessions that i ought to be able to train myself for a little while. So i'm going to the gym (not gonna lie, kinda hoping to see J there)....and i'm gonna stay for 3 hours...or at least until i'm too exhausted to move. 

Watched the biggest loser last night....i'm fucking in love with Tara Costa...she's incredible! But that breakdown she had with Jillian Michaels in her bedroom was heart wrenching. I identified wayyyy too much with her feelings of chaos and lack of balance. It's amazing how much i related to her in that one episode. Did any of you ladies catch it? 

Back...SOOO SORRY

Hey ladies,

I'm 100% a big, stupid loser!!! i got back to the states ages ago and resumed taping for the show...but just sort of put off writing because everything was just shit. I know, i hate me too. Paris was INCREDIBLE...for the most part. My mother is an enormous bitch and she ditched me (very often) to go have sex with random french men. Perhaps my mother turned me into a lesbian??? 

Anywho, when i got back we had about 4 episodes left to tape...they all got taped!!!! It was a rollercoaster but its in the can as we say in the film world! I hate life since the show ended. You see, it hasnt aired yet...so i have a shit ton of waiting to do...to see if anyone likes it...see if it leads to anything else career wise....and my weight is BLECH. I don't even wanna say what it is because i'm far too ashamed...especially after all the wonderful french designer clothing i bought...which is now sitting in my closet with tags still on. J won't speak to me AT ALL. I've left her at least a dozen messages. GOD DAMN IT i wish i was one of those people who could just suck it up and go confront people...FORCE them to deal with me and resolve things but NOOOOOO....I'm this huge fat loser who bitches and moans about the travails of her life to people who will never confront or disagree... I HATE MYSELF...LOATHHHHH!!!!!

Ok- new goals- 1) pick a fucking sport and stick with it. I no longer have a trainer so i have to figure out a new way to stay in shape. I was thinking tennis??? 

also- 2) go to a gay bar....accept that fact that most men make you vomit and go get some ass before you are too old to get ass!!!! I live in Hollywood so how hard can it fucking be to find some gay clubs i like. 3) try to do more things un-me....like...i dunno...just whenever i'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable...think about what i'm planning on doing and do the opposite. I'll try that for a while and see how it goes. I'm gonna catch up with your blogs tomorrow all day ladies...i need some inspiration :)

Missed you- sorry it took me so long to feel like i could face you all again!