Sunday, March 1, 2009
Wore a bikini...everyone said i looked bony, but in a "we're all very concerned for you" way. Unless that's my fear and i'm projecting it onto them. But today, literally every single person on set and their mother said i looked thin...or rail thin...or frail...or delicate. Kinda frightening. Felt like this big secret was suddenly out of the bag and like everyone in the room was whispering about me. It was a terrible day...i don't really want to talk about it. Cancelled my session with J today and stayed home, reading blogs and eating...a lot. I ate an entire carton of fro yo, a bag of bakers chocolate chips, my dad's leftover pizza, two beers and gummy worms...a shit ton of gummy worms. Puke till i cried (not a pretty girl looking back at me through the mirror) and got very stoned. I am afraid to lose more weight and risk actual concern...but to stop would kill me, or the spirit of me. I love this more then anything, more then acting, more then my own father. You don't choose who you love right? I love ana.