Sunday, March 1, 2009
Bikini
Wore a bikini...everyone said i looked bony, but in a "we're all very concerned for you" way. Unless that's my fear and i'm projecting it onto them. But today, literally every single person on set and their mother said i looked thin...or rail thin...or frail...or delicate. Kinda frightening. Felt like this big secret was suddenly out of the bag and like everyone in the room was whispering about me. It was a terrible day...i don't really want to talk about it. Cancelled my session with J today and stayed home, reading blogs and eating...a lot. I ate an entire carton of fro yo, a bag of bakers chocolate chips, my dad's leftover pizza, two beers and gummy worms...a shit ton of gummy worms. Puke till i cried (not a pretty girl looking back at me through the mirror) and got very stoned. I am afraid to lose more weight and risk actual concern...but to stop would kill me, or the spirit of me. I love this more then anything, more then acting, more then my own father. You don't choose who you love right? I love ana.
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I have been reading your blog for a while. I think the best possible thing you could do for yourself right now is to make a conscious decision to try to keep your weight steady through this period of shooting the pilot. Acting is real. Acting offers a chance at an amazing life. Ana is basically a turd covered in gold. She'll kill you slowly but let you think she's making you look good. She takes everything in the end. You are embarking on the most real life adventure EVER! Take a break and hold steady where you are...You can go back to Ana after the shooting if you must. You are already TINY! Directors take ana more seriously these days. You don't want to lose this chance....maintain! You have done amazing things! I have been battling this for SO LONG....more than 20 years...but this isn't about me.
ReplyDeleteJust maintain...for now. love, A
Annabullshit, I'm so sorry. Its totally a struggle between what you want on the outside (acting) and what you want on the inside (ana). Been there. Its hard.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had something more to say, but I don't want to tell you what to do because I figure you're a smart girl and its not my job. But for me, when I tried to give ana up for a goal I would up here again. So I guess that means that you CAN go back to it (its not gone forever).
Good luck, doll. Be well.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well all day.
You know what you could do? If someone acts concerned just say something like "I know, but I can't help it, I've been this way all my life no matter what I eat!!" And then tell them that you schedule more training sessions so that you can bulk up to try and put some real weight on. Should please?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the girl who's name consists of a bunch of x's. lol. - maintain. That's how they want you for the pilot. Maybe later you can up your calorie intake and keep up with the gym to put some lean muscle on those bones. I hope that doesn't sound too awful to you :-) it's what's healthy anyway
ReplyDeleteI don't know you and yet I really feel so much love for you. Your blog is proof of what an incredibly strong person you are. Truely, I think you're amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou have an incredible life and incredible opportunities happening right now for you. Don't let Ana ruin them.
Use it to perfect your life not ruin it. Think of why you turned to it in the first place.
I know I can't say much more to help, but I just want to wish you happiness xx
Please try and maintain =) Like 'Ana' said - up your calorie intake a little and get to the gym and tone. Ultimately you have to make the call but I say dont risk your career!! you've obviously worked hard to get where you are
ReplyDelete(((((Ana)))))
ReplyDelete