Thursday, March 5, 2009


Set was a disaster today. Our usual AD was sick...and let me just tell you what a fucking difference a good AD makes. We were soooo slow. We usually average about 5 or 6 pages a day, which is pretty good from what i've experienced. Today we barely made it through two pages. He was a moron and i had low blood sugar because I was 110 today, a double digit, and i had to fast as i am done with the double digits...i think if i have to maintain (or attempt to maintain) it should at least be out of the double digits. 
I really love your comments ladies. And you are very right, a huge part of it is self control and being able to control something as basic as our own bodies. We are all perfectionists who want to find ways to better ourselves, obsessively...and there's a lot of anxiety associated with a constant pressure to one-up yourself. By losing weight on a daily or weekly basis, its like we are bettering ourselves without having to achieve huge, frightening feats. We are in control of our lives. I want to be the best version of've heard that in a billion of our blogs. BECAUSE ITS TRUE, but if you're an outsider then you have no idea what it actually means. Good enough is not enough for us. Its unfortunate but true and its associated with the anxiety. I hate to generalize and i completely acknowledge that this is not true of everyone, but a lot of us come from privileged homes, where there was always food and love. We had attentive parents so there wasn't a lot to complain about. We are driven by default. There are some people who can handle having things and being lucky, but ana's girls have to earn things. If we've been given such a wonderful education and so much nurturing and love, we better fucking do something awesome with it! If you are this kind of just are...the anxiety won't go away otherwise, not for me anyway. If I suck at everything else, at least i am in complete control of my body. 
I'm not crazy though. I get it, i choose it. Your concern is not appreciated. I'm sorry to be blunt but if you would like me to keep answering your questions...check it at the door. I am what i am and i am this way having tried all the other ways of being. Look what i have here! I haven't ever been this happy i don't think...not ever. Which is why I'm thinking of getting a new trainer. I'm not sure i should be around J anymore. Getting close to someone would only result in some kind of pain or heartbreak or i'll get to know her and despise her. Regardless, people must be kept at a distance. Even you my dear friends. 


  1. Gosh, you utterly summed up my feelings. I too came from a privileged background, with wonderfully loving parents, siblings and extended family. I was given the best possible education that money could buy, and the best possibly start in life I could imagine. Which re-enforces the guilt and anxiety. I feel I have no right or reason to feel this way. It is a catch-22.

    From the outside my life must look pretty perfect, and I hate that down to me, on the inside it is a long way from that. So I need to be in control of me, and be the epitome of 'me' so I feel more deserving of my life.

    I really hope everything is going well for you today,

    Much love,

    Ella xx

  2. This comment resonates with me:

    If I suck at everything else, at least i am in complete control of my body.

    Being thin trumps everything, it is the. most. important. thing.

  3. I think you're totally right. When I feel like other aspects of my life are out of control, at least I feel like I can totally manage and structure my body. And if I can't, it's a personal fail.

    We're more than perfectionists, because we expect better of ourselves than we expect from everyone else.

    Sorry things didn't go well for you today, but thanks for a great post!!

  4. I agree with ALL of this... My family didn't have a lot of money, but there was always plenty of love, food, support, and I was pushed to do better than what they were. I was supposed to be the shining one in our entire family... The one who was successful and beautiful and perfect. Even my grandparents would say stuff about any aspect of my life they didn't think I was doing well enough in... "You look a little pudgy." "Why are you having a hard time in your class"
    Just... extreme pressure.

    They controlled most of my life, but this is something I can control... And now that college is over and I'm NOT as successful as they and I had hoped, I feel more pressure to look better because I want to still be that shining one.

  5. damn. 110. que in envy. only kidding. anyway, having control is a pretty nebulous concept for sure, but clearly it's working out for you. good luck with the reading, business in general. i know i say this everytime i post, but it's really all too exciting! x