Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Our Ana

On set...break time. The swim suit incident appears to have passed...though the producers are looking rather jumpy today. I hate how they hang out on the set...as if something might, at any moment, catch fire and they are the only two capable of putting it out. And ha, no, at the very least i have not violated my FAT CLAUSE! We are currently shooting episode 3...and there has really been no break or hold in production for this economic crisis the studio seems to be going through. A lot of shows on the lot have been cancelled and not a lot of new shows have been optioned. This recession sucks!!!!
 I have decided to hold on to ana...but make a valiant effort to slow her down. I do want to continue doing this show...especially if its the only big acting gig i ever get...i'll at least have finished it and be able to own a dvd set with me in it! After that, ana can take over! 
-S.rider...your question...what do we love about ana?
It's a hard question to answer under such general terms. I don't really know what everyone loves about ana...but i know what i love about her and i assume that its similar for a lot of people here. See, its not really that i love her, its that i wasn't a real human without her. I think that might be a common factor in a lot of us ana lovers. We love her because we were just empty vessels before her. She makes us strong and resilient. I have a severe anxiety disorder and it is chemical...its in my blood, i worry, way more then the average person. Before ana i was floundering around, no direction, terrified of EVERYTHING. Therapy can make you examine your relationships, your habits, past events...but not an inherent genetic flaw like overwhelming panic. Ana took my panicked self, shook her, told her to toughen up and gave her rules to live by. Yes, they are strict, sometimes deathly rules, but they are rules that make me function and feel good. Being empty takes my anxiety down a notch in a way no SSRI or Valium or therapy could. Running on a treadmill is way fucking better then any upper i've ever had, and the elated  feeling i get when i look at the scale and the numbers are lower trump any and all coping mechanism psychotherapists have made me practice over the years. You see people...by throwing us into asylums and hospitals it doesn't save us. It makes you feel better because we have been dealt with...because you don't understand what its like to HAVE to go to such extremes to be able to function, or love yourself. And we all come back to it, because believe it or not, ana is better to us then you are. You want to hide us, ana wants to teach us to live. You want to call us sick and ana calls us strong...no one ever called us strong..but she does. We can be different people with ana....so i guess thats my answer. I hope it made sense. You can ask follow-ups if you want!
-girls, feel free to throw something in if i missed!!! stay in it to win it little ladies :)

6 comments:

  1. Your answer really does help me understand how you think about ana. You mention that ana allows you to be “a real human.” Do you mean that the rules ana provides give you a structure that helps you function? What are the rules? Are they the same for everyone, or do you develop your own rules?
    Exercise as a drug makes sense to me; I love the feeling too; however, the idea that feeling “empty” could take your anxiety level down is a new concept. I had never thought of it that way before. Mostly, if I don’t eat I just feel angry and irritated.

    One thing I wonder about is the way that food is used as a way to connect with other people: big family meals, birthday cakes, and special occasions… It’s not all about the food, but the food is definitely a big part of the “togetherness.” If you’re avoiding food, you have to avoid all those things too, right? Or does the fact that you’re feeling anxiety all the time make you want to avoid those things anyway—even without the ana?

    Again, I appreciate your patience and attention. I really enjoy your insight, clarity and humor. I have to admit though, reading your blog is a little tough for me. I identify with so much of what you’re saying, but I find myself getting nervous if you don’t write for a day or two, especially given your past references to hospitalizations. Sorry. I know you really don’t like this kind of “concern.” Still, it’s tricky because I can see from the way other bloggers comment that they clearly care about you too; the difference is that they share your love of ana.

    Thanks and have a lovely eve.

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  2. Thanks for updating your blog so frequently. I think I really understand your relationship with Ana. Ana keeps me balanced. I would be one mean beyotch without her. And amen to the high I feel when I've burned more calories on the elyptical machine than I've eaten in a day.

    Thin it to win it is my new mantra :-)

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  3. You're so right.... The structure ana gives us... I feel less awkward. More worthy. Sane. Normal. Human. Lovely perspective, amazing post :-)

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  4. Hi!
    Thanks for the follow... Your blog is absolutely amazing... I love it. You write so well.

    I was reading a few posts back and I saw what you said about the paranoia attached to blogging on here and our little highly-visible community, and I relate SO much... I freak out and have panic attacks at the most random moments that my boyfriend or co-workers will find my blog from me leaving a trail or just randomly and KNOW it's me... It's crazy to panic, (I'm always SO careful) but I still do...

    But anyway... Lovely blog and post.

    And what I love about ana... It gives me CONTROL. It makes me disciplined. And it makes me feel beautiful in a way that nothing else can.

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  5. I absolutely love what you wrote about ana.
    And like the person above me wrote, I love the feeling of self-control ana gives me. I love knowing that I am not an insipid cow, but a person with a brain who knows when not to give in to unwise cravings. :)

    Good luck on set~!

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