can we still be friends? Sorry to be so blunt, but you guys matter a lot to me...and i don't wanna be alone. I hate being alone but i hate people and you guys being out there and commenting and writing makes me feel not alone in a way i can somehow handle- stay in it to win it lovely ladies! you are my saviors.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Cannot function without ana...I was a baby that popped out of my mothers vagina with what the majority of people would call an "eating disorder." I either eat nothing at all or everything in sight. Perhaps my mothers judgmental nature fostered these habits...but i distinctly remember being 6 and being on the playground on an afternoon i had not eaten my lunch and feeling elated and superior. Its just me. I mean, i'm sick...or i'm a new version of normal. But you are right and i need to hide my inner monster from the rest of the world. I picked a stupid career for hiding. How do i do this? How do i allow myself to get slightly larger....this is such a foreign concept to me. I know how to gain weight...i've done it in 4 of the top eating disorder facilities in the country. What i don't know is how to maintain a weight...any weight. Perhaps you think i'm exaggerating...but i really have absolutely no idea how to stay the same weight. If i eat what another skinny, normal person eats, i get fat. I don't know why...maybe a slow metabolism or maybe i was just blessed with fat genes. I always just figure...if i can't stay the same, if i have to go one way or the other, then at least pick the smart direction and go down. And i don't really care if i die from it...thats not the issue. It's living with the shame of it in front of people now. I'm just being honest. And I don't know what i'll do. Cause i'm fucking NOT quitting, i love my job. But its my job. Its a great job and i like to do it and i'll keep doing it as long as they want me and then when they don't want me anymore i won't ball up into a corner and cry...nope...i won't care because i still have something...something more important. Sorry to burst your bubble guys, this is just me.