Thursday, February 26, 2009

exhaustion sets in- take two

Today was just one of those days where you wake up exhausted. It doesn't help that my day begins at 4:30am. I don't usually require all that much it was strange to wake up feeling gross today. I drank three sugar free emergency's for breakfast before leaving for the set. 

On set, they didn't really need me till almost noon so i sat around on my laptop reading blogs. It dawned on me how completely exposed our little community really is. It's like lying in the middle of the desert with only a few sparse palm trees hiding us. Any plane flying overhead would easily spot us....anyone looking can so easily find our fucked up little blog world, i guess who the fuck would look right? ..who cares? I don't know why i'm always so paranoid. I lock myself in the trailer before even logging onto this site and i don't have my account id in "remember me" mode or leave my password on a piece of paper or on my laptop anywhere. I just remember it and the site id etc. It's easy to remember cause i come on every day, and i'm totally freaked that someone will be in my trailer picking up after me, like wardrobe.. and notice something that somehow leads them here. Even typing this is making my heart pound. Fuck, i am a fucking psycho paranoid mother fucker (Sorry about all the fucks, i'm too tired to look for other expletives). 

So i looked at blogs, panicked for like...three minutes...and yes, i did just write an entire paragraph about those three minutes...i apologize. And made a few comments. S. are free to contact me with questions through blog, but i cannot give you my email address or email you from a friends...i'm sorry! I thought about it...and as much as i so want to be compliant and helpful, i am riddled with fear and untrusting to an extreme fault. I do invite any questions you have on my blog and i promise to answer said questions in full!!! 

B and i had a scene together and he had been shooting since 8, so he looked super pumped and like he was having a ball and i wanted to shove my foot in his crotch. Eww, how is it that something can be attractive enough to put inside of you one minute...and the next, its the most grotesque thing you've ever seen and having to speak to it and interact with it is a painful, torturous punishment. It took three hours to rap B and then it was just me for two hours and then K came and it was us till now...well, an hour ago when i got off. Shoot days are death. Sometimes shoot days are worse then 9 to 5's. Speaking a date with J on Saturday. Well...not a date, a workout, similar to a date. I mean, i don't know how many of you have ever worked with a trainer...but they touch you fucking EVERYWHERE! It's a very erotic thing to me lately...the training thing. 

Back at 108 today...and i do have a fucking digital scale...and tiled floor and carpet so nowhere really reliable to put the scale down on. I don't weigh myself at the studio gym because i'm sure someone will follow me and the last time i was in a hospital or went to see a doctor they made me stand backwards every time i stepped on a scale. So i guess my real weight is a mystery. I believe my digital scale is accurate to an extent...and that its pretty consistent with my eating. I don't wanna think about it....not something i need to stress about, cause if i do i won't avoidance wins! gotta hit the hay now...about to die...sleep could it..thin it...too tired- love


  1. lmao @ erotic trainers haha
    i think that would get on my nerves really badly.
    damn. 4:30 is early as all hell.
    i seriously dont thin i could survive getting up that early everyday.

    hope you get some good rest!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  2. Thanks for being so honest about how you feel. I totally understand your need to protect yourself and I really appreciate your offer to answer my questions through the blog.
    Sorry if my posts have triggered a new sense of paranoia. That wasn’t my intention. These blogs are tricky. On one level, they’re private and anonymous, but on another, they’re really just “out there” in the world for anyone to see. I’m glad you’re taking precautions.