Monday, February 23, 2009


I don't really know my own sexual preference to be honest...i always thought i was straight. Then, after high school, i just started thinking of myself as asexual...cause i don't really find men that attractive. Then this J thing started...i mean, super recently. So who knows...perhaps I'm one of those people who thinks sexuality is fluid. I guess i have to make up my mind about that if I'm gonna enter the gay community...since that made up ALL of J's party guests last night. Fucking lesbians everywhere...with agendas....i just fucking hate politics man. I don't want anyone to be oppressed or mistreated, but leave it at the office. Sorry, again i am offensive. I don't think i'll ever really be friends with anyone. no, if i continue to hate all people then who am i to expect anyone to like me? Do I want anyone to like me? Yes, i want people to like me and that is it...that is the key, the problem...the big fucking thorn in my people hating foot. If i want people to like me, i will forever be at their mercy. I must kill that part of me...the people needing part. I wonder if its in a finger...cause i will totally cut off a finger to get rid of it!

The party went ok. I smiled and was very quiet...only talked if someone asked me something. It was clear right away that J had told some of these women about me. Whatev...that means she likes me right. Ok, so i tried not to make anything obvious at the party...i laughed and talked to J a little, but mingled and didn't stick to her side like an obnoxious brat. I mean, so what if we kissed, its not like i own her. Didn't eat a thing..but i didn't weigh myself this morning because i didn't wake up at my own house!!!! Yup, i stayed...don't worry, it was very secretive and sneaky. When the oscars ended everyone left. It ended at like, 9 because it starts at 5:30 here. So it was just us...and wine...which i drank because i'd eaten nothing and i knew one glass would do the trick! I won't go into detail...not that kinda gal.

This morning i woke up, called a cab and took it to the studio. Got there and dad was already there looking pretty confused. I really need to fucking start remembering to just call and tell him i'll be out. I've felt like such an ass both times now. I suck as a daughter, its totally unfair to him. I told him i drank and decided to stay the night on J's couch. He has no reason to think anything of it...i mean she's a girl.

Got home, decided not to weigh myself till morning, very difficult so far! I want juice..i have this enormous craving for juice...but i think i should refrain. I have swimming scenes on friday and the bathing suit worries me. It's in my contract that i get to approve of any swimsuit or underwear i am to be featured in...but its not like i'm gonna say no to whatever they have. I'll just wear it. So pre work is called for! Fast begins will be comprised of liquids, skim milk, water and diluted orange juice (so i don't get sick before shooting) only.... no diet soda as i do not want to retain water and be bloated in spandex. Ughhh, perhaps by friday i will be, like 107 or something. No...too much to hope for??isit??? oh well. YOu guys are awesome...thank god there's an outlet like this in the world. I just hate the idea of dying and having spent my entire life living in my own head. I love that there is a way to put things out there without anyone ever knowing its you. It's amazing! Hope you all watched the oscars! Fucking Milk and the fucking political agendas. I make a horrible gay person don't i. What's that quote again...i don't wanna be a part of a club that would allow me to be a member...can't remember who said it. If the lesbos want me then the club must suck! HA. ok, now you all think i'm a huge homophob...but how can i be??? i may be a homo! peace out- gotta go not think about food some more. I'm going to sit in my closet for an hour and think about my ass in a will be good for me!!! PEACE OUT LADIES :)


  1. hey! i apologize for putting you on the defense, personally I just am curious because I have had a relatively sheltered life. I think it's so cool that you equal opportunity lover (sorry, it's the best way I can say this...again, if it offends you...apologies) have so many more options and freedom to explore different personalities.

    Anyway, thank you for the clarity...I am a curious cat afterall and I just wanted to know =)

  2. Dear [Your Name],

    I have been following your blog since the beginning and even though I’m not pro-ana, I have to say that I love to read your posts. Your blog reminds me of a tell-all Hollywood memoir written under a pseudonym. Your conversational style is vivid and engaging. So much so that an outsider (like me) can really get the feel for what it’s like to live with ana on a daily basis. This request is going to sound ridiculous given your recent posts about hating people, but I have to ask: would you be interested in answering some questions about your life for the purpose of shedding light on the culture of women who read and write in this blogger community?
    I understand that anonymity is extremely important to you; you would never have to reveal your real name. My interest stems from an article I read by Megan Warin called “Primitivising Anorexia: The Irresistible Spectacle of Not Eating.” (It might interest you and I’d be happy to send it along.) The article discusses the cultural images of anorexia and the public’s fascination with these images and goes on to make the claim that these images in NO way get to the heart of what ana means for women who embrace it as a lifestyle. My sister describes her former relationship with ana as a source of power, strength and elation. What our family saw as destroying her, she knew as something essential to her survival.
    I would really like to hear more from you if you are AT ALL interested in contributing your ideas to my research. If not, I understand and I’ll continue reading your blog with interest.
    Thank you and keep writing,
    [My Name]

  3. Duh, I didn't include any contact info...
    If you decide you're interested, maybe you could just post to the blog and I'll send you my email address? Thanks again.