Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Sorry i didn't post on my break today, but i literally spent all of my breaks hiding from B. Blah, why am i such a loser. I think i have one of those social disorders...where i don't interact well with others. There was a girl on ANTM who had it, what was it...like assburger syndrome...i know that spelling was offensive and I apologize, thats just how it sounded to me phonetically. Maybe there's a pill i can take to make me less of a loser...or make me hate people a little less. I mean, i know i say it a lot, but i really really do hate people. I can't help it, its like, the voices all saying stupid, irrelevant things and expecting everyone to care.  I really just want to hide in my house all the time. Like, in my head there are green zones, orange zones and red zones. Green zones are the best because i don't have to deal with any people in green zones....my house and the gym are the only green zones i know of. The gym has a lot of people, but everyone is super into themselves and no one has makeup on or wears anything cute so no one at the gym really wants to have an interaction. Orange zones are places i know i'll have to interact with others, but its a controlled interaction...like a small amount of time with a lot of rules ensuring i don't end up in Fiji or some shit like that. Meetings are orange, shooting is orange, going out to dinner with dad is orange. Then the red zones are the ones i avoid like the plague...those are clubs mostly and bars and parties and places where people forget about boundaries, orrr places where boundaries are removed for you either through substance abuse or lack of breathing space. Red zones suck balls. College was one gigantic red zone. ok, thats enough people ranting for one day. Could it be genetic? Perhaps i'm not satan and its just a disorder...i hate the anxiety...the anxiety about hating people and how i'll end up alone (though i know it sounds like i want that...i don't, i really don't), and the anxiety about going to hell for hating people and not caring about the things they do or say, or the anxiety about anxiety...and that i'll have a heart attack from worrying so much...blah, going to bed now. I'll post during break tomorrow, well, i'll try. I love you guys...i love how you exist across cyberspace and are in no way threatening or malignant. I do not hate you...and thats the first time i've felt positively towards a group of people as a whole...hmmm-peace out!!!!


  1. Haha, Assburger. That made me giggle. It's Asperger's and it's a type of Autism. =]

    All of that I can relate to though. Sometimes I feel like I'm a social outcast and I can't interact with people normally. If a stranger comes up to talk to me, most of the time I'm hopeless at conversation. I have so many stock phrases that I use, sometimes it's like I physically can't hold a REAL conversation, it's so weird. I hate going out to really public places, and especially on my own. If someone else is with me it's not so bad because I just focus on them. But I physically can't go to like, the mall or a restaurant on my own. The idea of doing it makes me feel sick. =/ And I hate having to talk to people on the phone, even ordering pizza for my aunts or something. Sigh. It's crap because I work in an office where I have to make calls and take them sometimes and I ALWAYS panic when I have to do that.

    Anyway, once again I'm rambling, sorry about that. I just wanted to say I agree with you and can relate to a certain extent. Especially the part about "not hating us" hehe. As a general rule of thumb I hate most people, but the people in this "network" are amazing and I'd be lost without everybody's support =]

    Have a nice one, hun xxxx

  2. Wow...reading ur post is like reading the thoughts that go through my mind. I am most content and happy when I am alone or with my boyfriend (prob just cuz he is introverted too and when we hang out we both do our own thing, but together...like he plays video games while i read, lol)...anyways I just wanted to tell you that u are not alone! I love being alone. My room is my green zone, and I think thats all I have. I love ur analogy of green/orange/red zones...describes the feeling of anxiety of social interactions perfectly. God, the rest of my apartment when my roommate is home can def. get red. she is super extroverted and loves to talk all the time....which is fine, if i actually cared. sometimes i just dont care what she has to say. i cant help it. oh yea...i also hate people sometimes, lol...of course except when it comes to all you guys...u guys are all so supportive and i love it. we are all on our own little paths, minding our own business, and not passing judgments and being totally supportive and i love it!

    Anyways, awesome post...couldnt agree with you more!

  3. I've been having a similar mentality towards people lately...I sit and listen to them yack on and on, and I just think all this negative, cynical shit about them until I want to hate them. I have an anxiety issue though, sounds like the same in your case. Don't let them bring you down!