Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sorry i didn't post on my break today, but i literally spent all of my breaks hiding from B. Blah, why am i such a loser. I think i have one of those social disorders...where i don't interact well with others. There was a girl on ANTM who had it, what was it...like assburger syndrome...i know that spelling was offensive and I apologize, thats just how it sounded to me phonetically. Maybe there's a pill i can take to make me less of a loser...or make me hate people a little less. I mean, i know i say it a lot, but i really really do hate people. I can't help it, its like, the voices all saying stupid, irrelevant things and expecting everyone to care. I really just want to hide in my house all the time. Like, in my head there are green zones, orange zones and red zones. Green zones are the best because i don't have to deal with any people in green zones....my house and the gym are the only green zones i know of. The gym has a lot of people, but everyone is super into themselves and no one has makeup on or wears anything cute so no one at the gym really wants to have an interaction. Orange zones are places i know i'll have to interact with others, but its a controlled interaction...like a small amount of time with a lot of rules ensuring i don't end up in Fiji or some shit like that. Meetings are orange, shooting is orange, going out to dinner with dad is orange. Then the red zones are the ones i avoid like the plague...those are clubs mostly and bars and parties and places where people forget about boundaries, orrr places where boundaries are removed for you either through substance abuse or lack of breathing space. Red zones suck balls. College was one gigantic red zone. ok, thats enough people ranting for one day. Could it be genetic? Perhaps i'm not satan and its just a disorder...i hate the anxiety...the anxiety about hating people and how i'll end up alone (though i know it sounds like i want that...i don't, i really don't), and the anxiety about going to hell for hating people and not caring about the things they do or say, or the anxiety about anxiety...and that i'll have a heart attack from worrying so much...blah, going to bed now. I'll post during break tomorrow, well, i'll try. I love you guys...i love how you exist across cyberspace and are in no way threatening or malignant. I do not hate you...and thats the first time i've felt positively towards a group of people as a whole...hmmm-peace out!!!!