Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I absolutely, 100% HATE MYSELF right now. I've been on a fucking 3 day binge...during shooting. WHO DOES THAT? I have it all right in the palm of my hands and i fucking throw it away...three nights in a fucking row. I was fine on set each day...i mean, with the obvious motivation directly in front of me...but then i'd get home at 9 or 10 and just, get stoned and go ape shit. I know i know...don't smoke...but i just HAD to unwind...like, i had to. It was stupid, i need to not smoke weed anymore, it'll help, i know it will. I feel grotesque...how much water weight can one hold onto from a binge? I was 114 this morning which SUCKS SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! How much can i write off as water weight you think??? ughhh, and now my stomach is killing me because i feel hungry again...and i hate it, it kills. I refuse to give in though, not again, no more weed. Fuck...i just hate to think what i'm capable of if i could do that for 3 days straight...its petrifying. 
I also do really apologize for not writing sooner...i was literally to grossed out with myself to confront my blog. I love blogging, so it was my punishment! Ughhh, i'm gonna go close my eyes and see if i can fall asleep and make the day end...so i can at least believe the binge fest is over and that i made it through one day on top. God, i'm hopeless- hope you ladies have been doing better then me. 


  1. Meditation focuses on being present and aware with all that's going on in your body as well as slowing down and actively experiencing ((as opposed to passively reacting)) all that's available at the moment.

    It is a LOT easier to meditate whilst high ((in my opinion))! As long as you sit down before the first hit with that in mind ((aka put on music of your choice, sit//lie down comfortably, etc.)) you can have an even more effective relaxation time deal whatever AND lost more weight by meditating on how much your life will benefit from you not eating.

    Ha ha sorry, I did three hours of yoga today so I'm feeling pretty spiritual :P

  2. Kisses. I have faith you'll jump right back on the wagon.

  3. up to two pounds can be your water weight. you'll be alright, just pick yourself up, and start agin. Good luck.