I also do really apologize for not writing sooner...i was literally to grossed out with myself to confront my blog. I love blogging, so it was my punishment! Ughhh, i'm gonna go close my eyes and see if i can fall asleep and make the day end...so i can at least believe the binge fest is over and that i made it through one day on top. God, i'm hopeless- hope you ladies have been doing better then me.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I absolutely, 100% HATE MYSELF right now. I've been on a fucking 3 day binge...during shooting. WHO DOES THAT? I have it all right in the palm of my hands and i fucking throw it away...three nights in a fucking row. I was fine on set each day...i mean, with the obvious motivation directly in front of me...but then i'd get home at 9 or 10 and just, get stoned and go ape shit. I know i know...don't smoke...but i just HAD to unwind...like, i had to. It was stupid, i need to not smoke weed anymore, it'll help, i know it will. I feel grotesque...how much water weight can one hold onto from a binge? I was 114 this morning which SUCKS SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! How much can i write off as water weight you think??? ughhh, and now my stomach is killing me because i feel hungry again...and i hate it, it kills. I refuse to give in though, not again, no more weed. Fuck...i just hate to think what i'm capable of if i could do that for 3 days straight...its petrifying.