Tuesday, February 3, 2009

everything at once

Sorry i haven't written in a couple of days, its just that things have been OFF THE HOOK crazy here. So monday was my all day workout with J...and it was fantastic...well, the workout part was great...she had me begging for death which is my measurement for a great workout. It was weird though...she didn't make a ton of eye contact with me and when i told her about the part (which she of course already knew about) she congratulated me...and hugged me, but it was just empty. YOu know what i mean...i don't know what i did or didn't do. It was like she was a different person, focused entirely on the workout...not me at all. So i went home that day and ate. I am soooo pissed off at myself. All this fucking hard work and i blow it because i'm fucking emotionally insecure about a non-relationship with my fucking trainer. Once i had consumed almost everything in our fridge, i sat down on the floor in front of the sink and cried...which i never fucking do. And of course thats how my dad had to find me. So then we had the talk...the "are you sure this is what we should be doing" talk...he mentioned passing on the pilot and that was it for me. I went off on him like i've never gone off on my dad before. He just sort of sat there and took it. And when i was done blasting him, he just silently stood up, went back into the kitchen and brought me a glass of ice water. Then he went up to bed. I was fucking 113 this morning and I HATE MYSELF. Does anyone else feel like they sabotage themselves. LIke, right before you're about to hit a monumental goal (for me it was breaking into the single digits...109 is a dream now...just a dream) and you fuck yourself over. I hate it so much and i feel so stupid for not thinking about it and reasoning my way out of that kitchen. FUCK....so i didn't eat all day today. Well, i ate two fruit flavored tums at like, noon, because my stomach was out of control growling...probably because i stretched it out so much with the idiotic night binge.ughhhhhhhh ok, thats it for this post. i've been dreading writing it all out, but now that its down and over...it wasn't so bad. 
Hanna- yes, my dad does know about my medical card. He took me to get it and i actually was able to use my eating disorder medical documentation as grounds for the card. Anorexia is one of the listed illnesses MJ apparently cures (hahahahahhaha) at least in California. You should see one of the stores though, there are hundreds out here...and they are all insane and like, the mecca for pot smokers!!!! - hope all is well with you :)

Little ladies, stay in it to win it....hopefully my setback can be corrected with a few days of diligence...and we start shooting the pilot tomorrow, so that should keep me distracted. I just wish J had been more receptive...i was pretty excited to get to see her weekly...but it looks like my lesbian affair might be over before it even began. PEACE OUT


  1. Stay strong, Anabullshit! I have faith. GOOD LUCK FILMING THE PILOT!

    PS- MJ cures anorexia? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! That may be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

  2. MJ made me lose weight....NO appetite without it, faster metabolism with it(maybe from paranoia?) lol....

    Pretty funny shit tho, it's the 'cure'...
    I don't think it would cure me if I was anorexic again. Seriously.

    I know how incredibly shitty it feels to find your weight not only completely different from your goal, but in a new 'range'. I could say logically, 113 is barely above 109, but, well...maybe it's not similar to you, but I always set 'ranges' anyway, and I dunno, how to explain the OCD-ness of it. Regardless, it used to send me into breakdowns whenever I went 'back' to a 'range' or failed to get out of one.
    In any case, I'm sorry it felt shitty, and I wish you the best!

  3. Your blogging is so strong, so stay strong with it! I know exactly what you mean about the sabotage... I never understand why I do it... but just keep venting that anger with your words here. you have SO much willpower, that much is obvious, that willpower is gonna make you win x