119 and a fuck

Ughhh, so i'm starting this blog because i don't know what else to do. I'm a huge fan of Ana Regzig...she's just so eloquent and prolific and reading her blog is always so cathartic for me, especially on bad days like today, but she hasn't written in ages, thus my new blog. I live in LA, the city where dreams are made, but damn its a tough city to work in as an actor. I wonder all the time if i should just pack it up and go back to New York. Unfortunately work is super tight right now and i couldnt even afford to go back to NY if i wanted to. Not to mention my modeling agent just sat me down and gave me the "we can't be your parents out here" speech. She basically said that if i don't start eating or hiding the fact that i'm not eating better, she's gonna drop me. 

I know exactly why it happened though. Last week i was modeling a runway show and i was just super edgy because i'd been fasting 2 days prior, and there was this little midget man running around with a plate of crust-inis with mozzarella on them, and my eyes just fixed on them the minute they came in the room...i couldn't help myself and i grabbed one and shoved it into my mouth in this really grotesque, animalistic way. And when i finally swallowed i looked up and saw 4 bitches staring at me with the look...the, ooooh, she cracked...finally look. 

Whatever, i felt so disgusting after that, i didn't even go near the water dispensers for the rest of the show. I wouldn't have anyway though, my dad always brings this huge bucket of water to the runway shows. He usually looks out for me when there's food there too, diverting my attention, or pulling me out of the room to get air. He was in the bathroom though, and my hand had a life of its own. Ughhh, i didn't tell him either, which made me feel way more guilty. 

So i got the fucking talk from an enormously fat bitch who drinks large saucers of coffee all day packed with creamers and sugars galore. My dad calls her the office cow...which he thinks is super funny. Damn i hope he doesn't find this blog, he'd kill me, absolutely fucking kill me. I used a new email account and i didn't provide any personal information. He's obsessed with my career right now...which is great because he deals with my agents and all the dramatic bullshit i'd have to deal with...but it gets annoying when he micro manages every minute of my life. I had an audition two days ago for a really awesome tv pilot that i'd be perfect for...absolutely perfect, and he wouldn't even let me go in for the part. He said it wasn't the direction we wanted to go in. And you know what i did...nope, i did not fucking call child-protective services because i'm 22 and an adult who is exploiting her father for free labor...not a child naively being led around by a stage parent. So i accent the crap i get from him for the glory it reaps. 

Ok, no more eating for the rest of the week. I have an audition at the WB on the 23rd which gives me 5 days to get down to 115. I'm supposed to be auditioning for the part of a 15 year old, so the less i have on me the better. Plus, when i feel empty, i feel smaller, so it'll be easier to get into the character of someone meek and young. My dad got me some adder-al to help out, just for these few days. I don't use them often, just when a big part is coming up thats a lot younger then my actual age....you'd be amazed at how skinny these producers think 15 year olds are...i mean, i was in high school not too long ago...and there were fucking few non-ana girls as skinny as i am now. Fuck this industry man...but you gotta love it!!! Ok, wish me luck....its time to go be diligent!!!!! I'll try to write again tomorrow!!!!