LIMBO

Hey guys...first off, THANK YOU ALL soooo much for the wonderful posts. It really amazes me how wonderfully this blog substitutes for not having any friends. I know it sounds kinda pathetic...that i don't really have friends...but any friends i ever did have just got "concerned" or turned me in to a guidance councilor or spread rumors about me. I just need to preface this post by saying how grateful i am for you all! That being said...i am in utter and complete disarray. Still no call from the agent or the studio...but if you think about it...it sort of makes sense. The tests they did on Sunday have to go through a huge line of producers and studio execs before the final decision can be made. So I just have to try and live my life and NOT think about this monumental thing that COULD happen very very soon. 

Yesterday was ridiculous. Like...it was an entire day of me jumping from the couch to the elliptical to the couch to the elliptical. You seeeee....my dad bought me this 300 dollar, used elliptical on Craigs list so i could get in some Cardio without having to actually go to the gym. Its been really useful...especially yesterday. I went to the 7/11...the worst mistake a girl can ever make...and raided the candy aisle. I spent, like, 5o bucks on crap there and brought it all home with me. I then put on "Princess Bride" and ate...like, the worst binge i've had in months. But i actually felt pretty savvy about it. My dad and i have a no purge rule. He lets me do what i want and helps me in any way he can as long as there's no purging involved. So of course, going into this binge, i know the rules and i know my dad is always home and will hear me if i vomit...so i didnt. Instead, i would eat each item....like, a packet of cookies...and read the total caloric intake, which was 400 calories, and then i'd hop on the elliptical and not let myself off until i had burned 400 calories...then i'd get off and pick another item of junk-food. Let me tell you, by the time my binge hit 1100 calories i was so tired i couldn't even chew anymore. What a glorious way to spend a day. I didn't lose any weight doing it, but i also didn't gain...so it was a  successful binge....but my head spun all night...even after i'd fallen asleep i felt like i was in one of those spinning tea cups. So i'm not gonna do it again today...which i why i decided to start the day with a post...and clear my head a little bit. 

I haven't mentioned J in a bit....but she hasn't really left my head. Part of me feels like...i know if i get this part, i'll get J too....so its like this double win. And i'll get her in this very platonic, safe way. She'll be my coach...and i can lean on her...and look at her and stare into her eyes. If i get the role we can keep playing the fun cat and mouse game that i guess i enjoy....And if i don't get the part....and i want to see her again, i'd have to actually do something. I'd have to call her and arrange something that would be really awkward and weird. I don't know...i keep associating J with this role and also with gayness and adulthood and losing my dad. I want to have an affair with her, i do...i've sort of settled this in my head....but it has to be an affair and not EVER a relationship. Because there's just too much at stake and losing my dad would be an absolute NIGHTMARE. ok ok ok, i need to focus on the work, on the task at hand. Tomorrow i have a modeling gig so i will actually go to the gym today and do some strength training, and then i will watch a movie and go to bed and i will eat a yogurt (110 cal) pre workout and have an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for dinner and that will be ALL. You girls are wonderful, keep faith and remember that we're all in it to win it!!!!!