Why am i an idiot???

Sorry i didn't write last night gals, but J killed me, and once again i barely got out of the shower before i was asleep. I think the thing i like about our "nine to fives" the best is that by the time i get home, i just have NO desire to eat anymore. I'd say that nighttime is usually my hardest time of day...because its so easy to be good all day, and then night comes around and i'll put in a movie or smoke some weed (which i can't do anymore because when i do i almost always give in to some sort of crap food). Night time is just crappy and I really hope i get this role because then i could get the studio to pay for weekly sessions with J and i could go to bed starving every night...and wake up feeling elated!!! 

  So, back to J...i have to get all of this out in 45 minutes because of the commercial shoot...the one with the gown i mentioned in my previous post...i'll tell you all about it later tonight or tomorrow morning!...ok, back to J. So when i got to the gym it was wicked early and i was still pretty exhausted...though the adderal had begun to kick in and i wasn't like, falling over or anything. J was standing outside waiting for me in this form-fitted spandex suit that NO ONE else on the planet should wear...but on J it looked incredible! She gave me a quick once over...and then we hugged...which lasted a while...i'm not sure if it was a real hug or a bone count...but either way being in her arms felt amazing. God, Hana, i think its true, i'm gay....what a weird realization to have over blog. I'm not sure how i'm supposed to handle this, but i'm doing my best....and the best part of the day is yet to come so i'll keep going. Ok, so we went into the gym and she put me on the treadmill to warm up. Then we did a bunch of floor exercises, squats, push ups, planks etc....and every time i'd change positions, J would come down next to me and sort of run her hands down the sides of my body, aligning me properly i think. I mean, its something i see trainers do often...but this was on every new set...she'd start under my arms and just run down to my outer thighs. I'd get chills EVERY time and I'm sure she noticed the shiver at least once...because at 2, when she insisted we break for lunch, instead of going to the cafe in the gym, she grabbed her car keys and pulled me into her car, and really without saying much, we sped off. She took me to a dive bar on Sunset and we sat at the bar, and she ordered me a Ceasar salad with the dressing on the side, and she ordered a burger for herself (she knows my dad would be livid if she made me eat a burger). When the salad came i picked at it and she watched, with this look of concern that i would have fucking hated on anyone else...but everything she does and every look she makes seems to melt the hate right out of me. When she was done and i clearly wasn't going to eat anymore, she ran her hand down my arm, smiled and said "you don't have to do this you know"---and i wasn't sure what she was talking about exactly...i mean, the role or the starving or the exercise. So i pulled my arm away and said "i do". And she actually smiled, like it was the answer she wanted. So we got up, got back in her car and went back to the gym for some more grueling exhaustion. And she continued doing the stroke thing to my side, almost all day. Then, when we finally finished and it was time for me to go, she was like, packing her gym bag up and i was chugging down water after my last set and she said, hey "my name" you wanna go to D's? Which is a very trendy club in West Hollywood that i've never been to because, well, i have no reason, just never been there. But i said no...mostly because i was so tired...but also because i'm pretty sure J is into me now...or i damn sure hope she is...but i don't know what my dad would say...and then my actual commercial agent...i don't know what she'd say...there are just a lot of stupid people who's faces suddenly popped into my head when she asked...and all the faces were saying things about my reputation and about booking roles in this town...and i blanked and i said no and now i hate myself because i don't get to see her again until after the audition on friday...UGHHHHH WHY ME??? OK...pulling myself together....i somehow managed to start crying while typing and i sooo have to look pretty for this shoot today. I have two lines but mostly i think they want me swooshing around in the dress...i dunno, i'll tell you more about it tonight, or tomorrow if it takes a shit long time! Peace out ladies...and wish me luck!