Sunday, March 7, 2010

Last day

I'm freaking out a little at the moment. I'm supposed to be "relaxing and taking it easy" according to our director who was NOT pleased with me in our rehearsal yesterday. He said, and I quote "you look a little tired." I was NOT tired but I blame my perceived exhaustion on the binge/purge last week. Not eating is just the only way this is going to work, but not eating leaves me feeling like crap and unable to hit my sweet spot in front of the camera. I've put myself on a new plan in order to try and continue to look all glossy and glowy, but without gaining. 60 calorie sugar free yogurt for breakfast. a 30 calorie rice cake with 1tbsp almond butter and 1tsp sugar free jam on it for lunch and fish and veggie's exceeding no more then 400 cals for dinner. I have to eat in order to keep this god damn job and I have to say, I want the job even more then I want to be thin. I know, nuts right? I just can't STAND the idea that I could have what it takes to make it in this industry, and ruin it because I couldn't find a balance. I guess that's the key huh, a balance. I have to balance my need to self distruct with my NEED to be great. My need to be thin with my need to succeed. My need to starve with my love of acting. I need to become a world class circus performer and just juggle the shit out of this stuff.

wish me luck tomorrow ladies! And WATCH the oscars tonight ;)


  1. good luck with everything! i wish to be an actress one day too! that would be amazing. but i'm a dancer right now, still in high school. so i know exactly where you're coming from on trying to balance acting, or in my case dancing, and trying to stay thin. it's tough, but we can do it, together. stay strong! =]

  2. I DO wish you luck! I think you can do it...You seem so strong, so resolute, and whether you feel it or not, you *appear* to have control, to have solid goals and a plan, and I see nothing but the best coming from that.

    You're beautiful, you lovely inspiration, you. :D


  3. okay i hope you were lucky yesterday! please tell us how it went.
    also i really hope you felt better and didn't "look a little tired". just try not to get back to binging and purging all the time okay?
    yay for the travelling, thats great! i do hope you will find the time to enjoy it!

  4. Good luck, darling!
    SO proud of you.

    And you previous post talking about how you hate being alone in your house is SO me... I'm the same exact way... I go nuts when left alone.

  5. fuck.
    i just ... stumbled across someone.
    jacky w.
    fitness guru.
    ring a bell?
    not sure if im right or wrong.
    but IF i am. no idea who you are. damn. im a bit shocked right now. iiiiiiiiiif im right. GIVE HER A FUCKING CALL ASAP!

    you can delete this comment of course.
    sorry for maybe not making sense at all.

  6. i've really enjoyed reading your journal. i hope you keep posting!