progress

Ok, woke up at 120 lb this morning and thus felt like blogging. It's still disgustingly high and I feel like a prisoner in a giant fat cage...but its on the way. I think once I'm out of the 20's and that wretched 2 is no longer a permanent fixture after the 1, I'll feel a lot better! I've also decided that once I obliterate the 2's I'll start going on auditions again. My agent said (after I missed those two auditions last week) that when I'm ready to start going out again I can let him know....and that till then he'll just stop submitting me. Personally I know this is a load of crap because I've already gotten 3 notices this week of auditions and I'm not submitting myself damn it. He was clearly just bluffing....but I don't want to push it and lose him, so the minute that 2 is gone I will start replying again. I do really miss it....like, REALLY MISS it. But its like returning to the scene of something terribly tragic and painful. The thought excites me but also hurts.

I've been trying this new thing out where I don't eat anything AT ALL until 9pm at night....then, even if i start eating and overdo it a little and have like, 700 calories, that's alllll I'll have had for the entire day. Though I know eating late in the evening is bad for the metabolism, it seems to be the only thing working for me right now, so I'm going with it.

Got a message from J on my answering machine. I've listened to it like 15 times. I really miss her and I wish I could just suck it up and ask her to meet me for a run or something, but every time I play her message I cry. I'm pretty confident that if I see her I'll start to cry and that is just unacceptable, so I have not returned the call. My dad said he told her where I was when she called and that all she said was "oh" then a long pause, then "well let me know when she gets back." So I don't know if I'll ever really muster the courage up to see her. Especially not before I've shaved off the rest of this fucking fat. The last time she saw me I was at my all time low shooting weight and I don't know if I can face her til I'm back there :(

The funny thing is, the entire time I was in that hell, I had the craziest dreams about her. I think I might be in love with her, which is just so fucked up from where I'm sitting. Love is really never something I want to be party to. Or never WANTED to be. It's just not part of the plan. I want to die before I turn 30 and I'm not sure someone who loved me would let me do that.

Desperation

I hate feeling hungry. And its not just hunger anymore, I'm starving all the fucking time. HELP. I had two auditions lined up for this week and didn't go on either of them because I HATE MYSELF THAT MUCH. I sound like a big brat right now but its just how I feel. For those of you who have been "inside" I'm sure none of this is new to you, but they turned my metabolism back on. There's no way to get out without eating, so I ate and planned to just take it all off again the minute i got out, easy (of course I was irate and it wasn't this simple, but in the months there I managed to convince myself the only thing I had lost was the thinness...b/c thinking about the show hurts too much) but it is just not as easy as it used to be. We had three meals a day plus snacks and ensure if your weight is down...no exorcise, monitored bathroom time....basically all my fucking food was digested and my body started working again, against me!!!!!!! I'm now in this insane head space where I have convinced myself that I am a mutant and not human because humans can eat three meals a day and not gain weight or at least remain the same weight, not me. I am eating next to nothing and STILL GAINING! I AM AN ALIEN!

Either that, or a the more logical option that I have metabolic disorder :( But I hate doctors and what would I tell one anyway..."I'm not eating anything and I'm gaining weight, how is this possible"- I can already hear how it would go "well, you should eat"- which is a stupid answer, "eating makes me fat"- they will rationalize as so many have before -"not eating makes you fat, you need your metabolism to charge up"- "well" i'll say" what the fuck do i do while it charges". They will shrug at you, not sure how to answer other then, "EAT" and then they will go home happy that they don't care about petty things like weight loss. I HATE DOCTORS AND RIGHT NOW I KINDA HATE EVERYONE!!!!

My therapist is the biggest tool I've ever met. He looks like Clay Aikens and he talks with a lisp and he has a uni-brow, how the fuck am I supposed to take that seriously. And all he wants to talk about is my mother. I don't get it. I feel like I have torn the woman apart in so many therapist offices in my life time, why the fuck can't they and we just move on? I'm sick to death of addressing my mother issues....

ok, here it goes, weight: 122. I WANT TO DIE. Thank you all sooooooo freaking much for the comments. I had a day or two where I thought of quiting the blog because I'm so down, but reading your responses really picked me up. At least someone out there listens to me.

sorry

Hey guys,

so, If anyone is even reading this, my show got pulled. Things got kinda out of hand recently and I was forced into a treatment facility by my manager. It was pretty much the most rotten few months of my life....no computer access, no television....NO FUCKING BOOKS. I've been "inside" before, but this was the worst! The studio decided to can the 12 episodes we shot because the press had already gotten wind of my "incarceration"- fucking Paparazzi and their career destroying bullshit- Gaga's got it right. Luckily everything was pretty much preempted by the studio saving their butts and I suppose mine...but DAMN IT. I mean, I'm sure you can imagine what it might feel like to get everything you ever dreamed of then have it snatched out from under your nose.

Not just that, but my weight is something OBSCENE! I will likely tell you in my next post, I just can't bring myself to type the number its so odious.

I'm back in LA and back living with my dad again. He and I aren't really speaking at the moment because I FULLY blame him for what went down last year. I can't really go into any sordid details about my auditions anymore....its too dangerous. I have a suspicion I got too open about EVERYTHING and that was my downfall. But luckily my agent didnt let go of me and I have auditions lined up starting next week...NO DETAILS!

ps- tricks for weighing in- 1) DRINK OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF WATER BEFORE HAND but whatever you do DO NOT pee in the building. Wait until you are outside then find a fast food joint or restaraunt! It is literally in their notes to watch you and make sure you arent water loading 2) Wear layers but keep them tight so it doesnt look like you're trying to hide anything. 3) soy sauce=water retention! 4) water bras- they come in many sizes and you can just think of them as free weights! 5) sew rocks into the pocket lining of one of your old sweatshirts...its already bulky, usually a safe bet :)

So hopefully by my next post my weight will be something minutely less shameful...though I don't see how that's possible now that I have such a freakin long way to go again. Please wish me luck....I really hope I havent lost you guys.