Monday, January 25, 2010


I hate feeling hungry. And its not just hunger anymore, I'm starving all the fucking time. HELP. I had two auditions lined up for this week and didn't go on either of them because I HATE MYSELF THAT MUCH. I sound like a big brat right now but its just how I feel. For those of you who have been "inside" I'm sure none of this is new to you, but they turned my metabolism back on. There's no way to get out without eating, so I ate and planned to just take it all off again the minute i got out, easy (of course I was irate and it wasn't this simple, but in the months there I managed to convince myself the only thing I had lost was the thinness...b/c thinking about the show hurts too much) but it is just not as easy as it used to be. We had three meals a day plus snacks and ensure if your weight is exorcise, monitored bathroom time....basically all my fucking food was digested and my body started working again, against me!!!!!!! I'm now in this insane head space where I have convinced myself that I am a mutant and not human because humans can eat three meals a day and not gain weight or at least remain the same weight, not me. I am eating next to nothing and STILL GAINING! I AM AN ALIEN!

Either that, or a the more logical option that I have metabolic disorder :( But I hate doctors and what would I tell one anyway..."I'm not eating anything and I'm gaining weight, how is this possible"- I can already hear how it would go "well, you should eat"- which is a stupid answer, "eating makes me fat"- they will rationalize as so many have before -"not eating makes you fat, you need your metabolism to charge up"- "well" i'll say" what the fuck do i do while it charges". They will shrug at you, not sure how to answer other then, "EAT" and then they will go home happy that they don't care about petty things like weight loss. I HATE DOCTORS AND RIGHT NOW I KINDA HATE EVERYONE!!!!

My therapist is the biggest tool I've ever met. He looks like Clay Aikens and he talks with a lisp and he has a uni-brow, how the fuck am I supposed to take that seriously. And all he wants to talk about is my mother. I don't get it. I feel like I have torn the woman apart in so many therapist offices in my life time, why the fuck can't they and we just move on? I'm sick to death of addressing my mother issues....

ok, here it goes, weight: 122. I WANT TO DIE. Thank you all sooooooo freaking much for the comments. I had a day or two where I thought of quiting the blog because I'm so down, but reading your responses really picked me up. At least someone out there listens to me.


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  2. Please don't quit us.
    Your blog is one of my favorites, and it is SO nice that you are back.

    I hope you feel stable again soon, darling.

  3. I'm so happy you're back.
    The best part about having a high weight, is all the highs you will get losing each lb.
    You will lose it. Just stay focused.
    "Thin it to Win it"

    ss, xx, d

  4. I'm glad you're back too! I missed your posts! Please don't stop blogging, we are all here for you..