Ok, woke up at 120 lb this morning and thus felt like blogging. It's still disgustingly high and I feel like a prisoner in a giant fat cage...but its on the way. I think once I'm out of the 20's and that wretched 2 is no longer a permanent fixture after the 1, I'll feel a lot better! I've also decided that once I obliterate the 2's I'll start going on auditions again. My agent said (after I missed those two auditions last week) that when I'm ready to start going out again I can let him know....and that till then he'll just stop submitting me. Personally I know this is a load of crap because I've already gotten 3 notices this week of auditions and I'm not submitting myself damn it. He was clearly just bluffing....but I don't want to push it and lose him, so the minute that 2 is gone I will start replying again. I do really miss it....like, REALLY MISS it. But its like returning to the scene of something terribly tragic and painful. The thought excites me but also hurts.
I've been trying this new thing out where I don't eat anything AT ALL until 9pm at night....then, even if i start eating and overdo it a little and have like, 700 calories, that's alllll I'll have had for the entire day. Though I know eating late in the evening is bad for the metabolism, it seems to be the only thing working for me right now, so I'm going with it.
Got a message from J on my answering machine. I've listened to it like 15 times. I really miss her and I wish I could just suck it up and ask her to meet me for a run or something, but every time I play her message I cry. I'm pretty confident that if I see her I'll start to cry and that is just unacceptable, so I have not returned the call. My dad said he told her where I was when she called and that all she said was "oh" then a long pause, then "well let me know when she gets back." So I don't know if I'll ever really muster the courage up to see her. Especially not before I've shaved off the rest of this fucking fat. The last time she saw me I was at my all time low shooting weight and I don't know if I can face her til I'm back there :(
The funny thing is, the entire time I was in that hell, I had the craziest dreams about her. I think I might be in love with her, which is just so fucked up from where I'm sitting. Love is really never something I want to be party to. Or never WANTED to be. It's just not part of the plan. I want to die before I turn 30 and I'm not sure someone who loved me would let me do that.