Ok, woke up at 120 lb this morning and thus felt like blogging. It's still disgustingly high and I feel like a prisoner in a giant fat cage...but its on the way. I think once I'm out of the 20's and that wretched 2 is no longer a permanent fixture after the 1, I'll feel a lot better! I've also decided that once I obliterate the 2's I'll start going on auditions again. My agent said (after I missed those two auditions last week) that when I'm ready to start going out again I can let him know....and that till then he'll just stop submitting me. Personally I know this is a load of crap because I've already gotten 3 notices this week of auditions and I'm not submitting myself damn it. He was clearly just bluffing....but I don't want to push it and lose him, so the minute that 2 is gone I will start replying again. I do really miss it....like, REALLY MISS it. But its like returning to the scene of something terribly tragic and painful. The thought excites me but also hurts.
I've been trying this new thing out where I don't eat anything AT ALL until 9pm at night....then, even if i start eating and overdo it a little and have like, 700 calories, that's alllll I'll have had for the entire day. Though I know eating late in the evening is bad for the metabolism, it seems to be the only thing working for me right now, so I'm going with it.
Got a message from J on my answering machine. I've listened to it like 15 times. I really miss her and I wish I could just suck it up and ask her to meet me for a run or something, but every time I play her message I cry. I'm pretty confident that if I see her I'll start to cry and that is just unacceptable, so I have not returned the call. My dad said he told her where I was when she called and that all she said was "oh" then a long pause, then "well let me know when she gets back." So I don't know if I'll ever really muster the courage up to see her. Especially not before I've shaved off the rest of this fucking fat. The last time she saw me I was at my all time low shooting weight and I don't know if I can face her til I'm back there :(
The funny thing is, the entire time I was in that hell, I had the craziest dreams about her. I think I might be in love with her, which is just so fucked up from where I'm sitting. Love is really never something I want to be party to. Or never WANTED to be. It's just not part of the plan. I want to die before I turn 30 and I'm not sure someone who loved me would let me do that.
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Thanks for you're comment as well! ... Thanks for letting me know that you can see my blog =) And about the whole dreams thing, I still have not come to any conclusion about dreams. Do they represent something more than the content of the dream itself? Is dream content even significant? Or is it we simply dream about a person only because we have been thinking about them...nothing more nothing less? I have crazy dreams too, especially about people that I have/had feelings for. I've had dreams where the guy I dated (while on a break from my long-term boyfriend) died in a car accident and I went to his grave and left a card apologizing for the awful was I treated him stringing him along until my boyfriend and I got back together. I have also had dreams that my boyfriend started dating a guy....so yea, sorry for my rant...I'm just saying that dreams can be so crazy and I know I can be highly affected by mine. I wouldn't know either how to deal with my feelings if I were you...especially when they get in the way of the life you have planned with the path that you want to walk down.
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know I always seek out your posts, and am always excited to see when you post...god, that sounds creepy. just wanted to let you know you still have an audience!
I'm glad you found something that works for you. I often fast all day and then eat in the evening. Of course sometimes it ends up being a binge, which I then of course purge, so that is nothing good but my calories do remain low.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I wish you luck and hope you get out of the 120s and feel better soon!
Be strong and stay lovely.
xox,
A
So, did you two ever get together? I know you went out on "dates" and trained a lot together, but have you kissed ever?
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel re: loving someone (a girl) you think you shouldn't and not knowing why or how you feel for them sooo much.
Perhaps you should just call her. It's not "giving in" or "giving up" perhaps she misses you but doesn't know how to say it..?