Thursday, February 4, 2010

an audition

So I told myself I wouldn't write again until that wretched 2 had been obliterated from the middle of my weight FOREVER! I was 118 yesterday! Still a far cry from my pre-admittance weight, but there's time yet :) I would have written two days ago when I hit 119, but things have been pretty busy around here this week. This is a very very good thing because I was starting to completely lose my mind! I called my agent back on Tuesday and went out on an audition today. It went well (I will provide no details because of my previous incarceration and my paranoid suspicions about it all being linked to me blabbing), I did awesome! I can't tell you anything about the scene I did, but it require emotion and I cried and when i looked up the casting director had some glistening wetness in her eyes. SCORE!

Have not heard back yet but I believe they were auditioning through Friday. Hopefully I'll know if I have a callback by Sunday, so fingers and toes crossed ladies!

Being back in the game is both refreshing and odd. It sort of all feels the same, but different. Like being in school feels different as you get older and are less and less impressed by the importance of the institution. I feel like a senior who can get away with cutting class (or spending a couple months in an eating disorder facility) and still make the grade. I've always had a knack for reading people and just sort of being the perfect person for them at that moment. When my mom was around she used to call me a chameleon when I'd pull one of my personality shifts, my therapist calls it low grade schizophrenia with sociopathic tendencies, my dad calls it disconcerting....I call it talent! In my profile I said I want to live my life as a doll....because that's the thing I'm best at. I can be the person people want me to be...which I feel is just as lucrative a gift as any other. The problem comes when I try to have real relationships with people. I have no idea which one of these characters I ACTUALLY am, so when I hear all that babble about relationships being about honesty and truth, I just freak out and figure I'm better off alone. J is the first person I've ever really really wanted to MAKE like me. It would be easy, to answer your question, to make her want me or like me. It would be as easy as it was to cry today in that room in front of four people and a camera. But I don't want her in that false, I'm the puppet master, sort of way. I want her to like ME, but I have no idea how to make her like someone I'm pretty damn sure I don't like. This is the reason I have not called her back and the reason I likely will not call her back. To answer another question, we did kiss once. At a party she took me to while we were training together. I've never felt like such a liar in my life. I wish I were brave.


  1. I hope you land your role, lover.

  2. I hope you got the the role, too.

    I honestly think you should call her, just see what happens. I was (am??) in love with another girl once and I never told her how I truly felt about her. Now, she's got a new girlfriend (with teeth like a mountain lion, OMG... ok, that was mean, but true... ok, I'm done)... anyway, it's way too late to tell her now and I've regreted it since a year ago...

    “Have courage. Stand up. Don't hide. Be honest...”~Lt. Dan Choi, U.S. Army

  3. Hi,

    I didn't want to post this publicly, but didn't know how to email you privately. My name is Justin Arluck, and I am a producer for the Dr. Phil Show in Los Angeles. I would like to speak with you in regards to your blog, if you are open to doing that. You can contact me at you and look forward to hopefully speaking with you soon.