catch-up!

The hair is a little bit ridiculous, not gonna lie :) But it wasn't an arbitrary decision on the part of the producers; it's actually something that was necessary for the script so I'm glad I didn't complain or question. It's best to just obey...then they actually want to work with you again. Weight this morning was 115....still coming off very slowly but I suppose that's best. I don't want to raise any suspicions and since my "underweight" number is supposedly 118 I should probably get down to 105 and not go any lower. It's tough to do but as nuts as I am about staying thin I'm really petrified that if I blow this chance that'll be it for me....so xxxxx yes, I shall get a bit lower and then attempt to maintain. Though that WAS my plan the last time and we all know how that turned out :(

I didn't call J. I know I said I was going to but I chickened out. I got the part and then I started thinking about how lame it would be if anyone found out and then I'd have this huge GAY cloud over my head and even though being gay isn’t nearly as taboo as it used to be, its still not the best thing to promote in this biz. It's easy for people like Ellen and Portia who are already at the top...but to pledge my allegiance to pussy before I've even got a series actually broadcasted....might not be the best move career wise. And I don't even know if I'm gay. Maybe I've just designed this crush/obsession to keep my mind focused on something other then food and career and anxiety. Although if that's the case I'm pretty dumb cause it's causing me SO MUCH ANXIETY.

On a completely unrelated note, when I found out I got the part I attempted to call my mom. I know it’s silly but this sudden wave of wanting to share the good news swept over me and I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. I had two numbers for her. One was for the apartment she was living in in Paris- no longer her, the other was for a hotel she had called from on Valentines day- apparently she checked out. No surprises or anything, I'm pretty used to not having any way of getting ahold of her. So I didn’t have anyone to tell and I was sad and I didn’t feel like working out and I can't really eat something yummy to celebrate, not with the daunting knowledge that we start shooting in a week. Pretty much the best thinspiration a girl could ask for. So I was just sort of sad. I guess I felt sorry for myself and for a few fleeting moments I wished I had a friend. See and now that I'm typing all of this I wonder if my crush on J has more to do with loneliness and the fact that when she was training me I had someone to be around a few times a week...someone to get me out of my own head. So now I've made the decision to make a friend but I'm pretty unsure of how to go about that. I didn't go to high school or elementary school out here, so I don't have any "old friends." And on this very serious level I have no trust for people AT ALL, so opening myself up to a person is a very foreign concept to me. Any advice guys, at all? I'm not fucking around here, pretend you are explaining this to a first grader....how does one make friends? This is a pretty embarrassing thing to both confess and ask so I hope you won't think less of me, but I've literally got no one else to ask.