Sunday, February 28, 2010

Yikes, has it really been a week?

Hey ladies! I am terribly sorry it has been an entire week since I last blogged. The problem is that I'm around people again on a daily basis and am utterly paranoid of even being logged into my account, let alone checking it or writing something in a public place. To give you a mental picture of my paranoia....I wait until my father is either out of the house or asleep. I put a note on my door that says I'm napping (we have a lot of those hotel tags stored up) and go into my closet on the far end of my room away from the door. I go in the closet, shut the door and hide behind the dress rack. Then I blog. I haven't always done this, but since coming back from that hell hole I've made it into an obligatory procedure without which I WILL NOT write. This is pretty much why my blog entries are so much more spread out now :(

It's been a pretty interesting week. I had two fittings that were uncomfortable and demanded a lot of composure. Like, I really had to resist telling the costume designer that I would not remain this size for long. It was something I had to think about a lot beforehand and finally decided that it would be better if it all appeared accidental. Luckily I don't plan on losing too much more weight. I'm down to 114. I'm thinking if I can hit 108, at 5'7'', that should be low enough to appease me and high enough to stay out of trouble. But, as you all know, the addiction is really in the numbers and I'm afraid that once I get there I'll be unable to stop myself from pushing it further. It's funny because writing that down and reading it back, the sentence sounds ridiculous. I mean, with so much at stake how stupid would I have to be to push it further. AHHHH, pretty stupid I guess. Lets hope I'm not that stupid!

Miss Burton, thank you sooooo much for your lovely and lengthy post! It literally made my day. I'm so glad you've enjoyed my blog and that it distracted you from your own troubles. I'm really sorry to say that I STILL have not called J back. I'm too scared and now with this project on the horizon (like, less then a week from shooting) I feel like pulling her back into my life is a recipe for unwanted emotions and turmoil. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she'd help, but would you risk it?
It's true that she made an effort and you are very right, not many people do that! But the scary thing for me would be if she wanted to "help" me. She knows too much (I know I sound like a spy movie) and I don't want things biting me in the butt later. Bottom line, I like her, she made me feel great all the time, but I definitely do not trust her. She's in this industry too and people here suck. It's everyone for themselves.

To answer your other question about her, yes, she's DEF gay. The party I went to....well, lets just say it WAS the gay scene out here in a nut shell. Well, the lesbian men. Jackie Warner was there and I'll leave it at that :) J is not dykish, nor does she have that butch look to her. She's super fit, but in a feminine way. The thing I think I liked about her most was how unbreakable she always seemed. Like not even a sword could penetrate her skin it was so tough. I get described as waifish a lot, which, don't get me wrong, I LOVE....but it also paints this mental image of a very thin, flimsy body floating around in a heavy wind like a leaf. I don't like that image and I don't like the idea of a person being picked up and moved not of their own accord. I like how sturdy she was. I guess a good comparison looks wise might be Jillian Michaels mixed with Anne Hathaway.

Also, I really really really LOVE that you picture Leighton Meester when you think of me. What a compliment! I am NOT her, Leighton lives in New York because that's actually where the show shoots. I've met her before and she really is one of the nicest people you've ever met. I'm DEF not as famous as her :) I have yet to have a show actually be released, remember. The only places you've likely seen me is in magazines (I do a fair bit of modeling), some commercials, mostly beauty campaign stuff. I did a couple movies that didnt do amazingly well but I was proud of my role in them. That show I did last year was my biggest thing up till then and you know how that turned out. That being said, this current pilot we're shooting is about a thousand times better then the stupid gossip girls/gilmore girls rip off that other show was. This show has a MUCH better cast and a director with a lot of vision, so hopefully things will go better this time around!

It's definitely a risk still though. Publicity for these kinds of shows, especially when they're just getting on their feet, is super important. I imagine after the first season actually gets released, if it does well, I'll just have to stop blogging....ughhh, that sounds shitty. Maybe there's a way to turn the blog into a password protected thing....but I'm not amazing at computers. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things go and play it by ear :) I love blogging and I really like feeling like I'm a part of something in which I am honest. I don't want to die with there being no one in the world who knows how I feel about things and what I'm thinking and experienceing. Even if only one person reads my blog, at least that person can know me. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you all is thanks. Especially to those of you who comment regularly! Thank you for making me feel real and like I exist.


  1. I hope you don't have to quit blogging! I never comment on here but I keep up with your blog, I love your writing! :D

  2. Hei hei,so i don't know..i write it in estonian because my friend read it and i live in estonia.:) But if you want you can add me in msn..i can give it to you if you want..;)
    just writte me!;) bye hun

  3. Omg you should be proud of your accomplishments, seriously you were in a movie that is amazing!! regardless of how famous it became. About blogging I totally understand the need to be yourself. It seems like nowadays everybody thinks about what they say, do, act, and being an anonymous blogger gives you the ability to truly be free without restrictions on appropriate behavior.

    I'm new to your blog but I plan to be a common visitor =) xoxo

  4. Congrats on 114 =)

    While I may not be in your industry (and therefore face different repercussions), I too am paranoid about my blog being discovered by the wrong people (co-workers, family, classmates). I used to have my blog linked to an e-mail that my family and co-workers had...I thought I was safe because I changed all the blogger settings to make it hard to associate my blog and username with my e-mail, and I also set it so that my blog couldn't be accessed by search engines. But one day I decided to google that email address and it had a link to a comment that I had left on someone's blog...and so from there, if the person logged on to blogger they could see my profile, and therefore my blog.

    So, yea, you could call me paranoid.

    I really like blogging and reading your and everyone else's blogs so I made up a new gmail account and switched my blog over so that if anyone searches that other address, it can't be traced...doing a search for that other e-mail address might take them to that same comment I wrote, but they wouldn't be able to see my blog in that old profile.

    Anyways, I just wanted to let you know there are ways to hide your blog...I will be very sad if you have to stop blogging. There's just something about the way that you write..the way you tell stories...the way you openly express yourself, saying what's on your mind even if your ashamed/embarrassed about it...and I can tell you I relate A LOT to what you have said before about not having friends, enjoying time to yourself/being alone, etc etc.

    You just seem like a genuine person, and by the way you express yourself, it looks like that as your career progresses, you will remain sincere and honest.

  5. I just found out your blog, and it's so inspiring!!!

    hold on blogging!!

    Stay thin

  6. I really had to resist telling the costume designer that I would not remain this size for long.
    -You get me. X)

    A closet blogger, are we? Ever try blogger mobile? you just text it and send.

  7. Oh, whilst I do hope that your show goes well and gets released, I've just started reading your blog and I'd be sad if you stopped blogging! J sounds lovely, and cute, but I understand completely what you mean about not wanting to risk it... maybe it'll work out anyway.