Yikes, has it really been a week?

Hey ladies! I am terribly sorry it has been an entire week since I last blogged. The problem is that I'm around people again on a daily basis and am utterly paranoid of even being logged into my account, let alone checking it or writing something in a public place. To give you a mental picture of my paranoia....I wait until my father is either out of the house or asleep. I put a note on my door that says I'm napping (we have a lot of those hotel tags stored up) and go into my closet on the far end of my room away from the door. I go in the closet, shut the door and hide behind the dress rack. Then I blog. I haven't always done this, but since coming back from that hell hole I've made it into an obligatory procedure without which I WILL NOT write. This is pretty much why my blog entries are so much more spread out now :(

It's been a pretty interesting week. I had two fittings that were uncomfortable and demanded a lot of composure. Like, I really had to resist telling the costume designer that I would not remain this size for long. It was something I had to think about a lot beforehand and finally decided that it would be better if it all appeared accidental. Luckily I don't plan on losing too much more weight. I'm down to 114. I'm thinking if I can hit 108, at 5'7'', that should be low enough to appease me and high enough to stay out of trouble. But, as you all know, the addiction is really in the numbers and I'm afraid that once I get there I'll be unable to stop myself from pushing it further. It's funny because writing that down and reading it back, the sentence sounds ridiculous. I mean, with so much at stake how stupid would I have to be to push it further. AHHHH, pretty stupid I guess. Lets hope I'm not that stupid!

Miss Burton, thank you sooooo much for your lovely and lengthy post! It literally made my day. I'm so glad you've enjoyed my blog and that it distracted you from your own troubles. I'm really sorry to say that I STILL have not called J back. I'm too scared and now with this project on the horizon (like, less then a week from shooting) I feel like pulling her back into my life is a recipe for unwanted emotions and turmoil. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she'd help, but would you risk it?
It's true that she made an effort and you are very right, not many people do that! But the scary thing for me would be if she wanted to "help" me. She knows too much (I know I sound like a spy movie) and I don't want things biting me in the butt later. Bottom line, I like her, she made me feel great all the time, but I definitely do not trust her. She's in this industry too and people here suck. It's everyone for themselves.

To answer your other question about her, yes, she's DEF gay. The party I went to....well, lets just say it WAS the gay scene out here in a nut shell. Well, the lesbian scene...no men. Jackie Warner was there and I'll leave it at that :) J is not dykish, nor does she have that butch look to her. She's super fit, but in a feminine way. The thing I think I liked about her most was how unbreakable she always seemed. Like not even a sword could penetrate her skin it was so tough. I get described as waifish a lot, which, don't get me wrong, I LOVE....but it also paints this mental image of a very thin, flimsy body floating around in a heavy wind like a leaf. I don't like that image and I don't like the idea of a person being picked up and moved not of their own accord. I like how sturdy she was. I guess a good comparison looks wise might be Jillian Michaels mixed with Anne Hathaway.

Also, I really really really LOVE that you picture Leighton Meester when you think of me. What a compliment! I am NOT her, Leighton lives in New York because that's actually where the show shoots. I've met her before and she really is one of the nicest people you've ever met. I'm DEF not as famous as her :) I have yet to have a show actually be released, remember. The only places you've likely seen me is in magazines (I do a fair bit of modeling), some commercials, mostly beauty campaign stuff. I did a couple movies that didnt do amazingly well but I was proud of my role in them. That show I did last year was my biggest thing up till then and you know how that turned out. That being said, this current pilot we're shooting is about a thousand times better then the stupid gossip girls/gilmore girls rip off that other show was. This show has a MUCH better cast and a director with a lot of vision, so hopefully things will go better this time around!

It's definitely a risk still though. Publicity for these kinds of shows, especially when they're just getting on their feet, is super important. I imagine after the first season actually gets released, if it does well, I'll just have to stop blogging....ughhh, that sounds shitty. Maybe there's a way to turn the blog into a password protected thing....but I'm not amazing at computers. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things go and play it by ear :) I love blogging and I really like feeling like I'm a part of something in which I am honest. I don't want to die with there being no one in the world who knows how I feel about things and what I'm thinking and experienceing. Even if only one person reads my blog, at least that person can know me. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you all is thanks. Especially to those of you who comment regularly! Thank you for making me feel real and like I exist.

catch-up!

The hair is a little bit ridiculous, not gonna lie :) But it wasn't an arbitrary decision on the part of the producers; it's actually something that was necessary for the script so I'm glad I didn't complain or question. It's best to just obey...then they actually want to work with you again. Weight this morning was 115....still coming off very slowly but I suppose that's best. I don't want to raise any suspicions and since my "underweight" number is supposedly 118 I should probably get down to 105 and not go any lower. It's tough to do but as nuts as I am about staying thin I'm really petrified that if I blow this chance that'll be it for me....so xxxxx yes, I shall get a bit lower and then attempt to maintain. Though that WAS my plan the last time and we all know how that turned out :(

I didn't call J. I know I said I was going to but I chickened out. I got the part and then I started thinking about how lame it would be if anyone found out and then I'd have this huge GAY cloud over my head and even though being gay isn’t nearly as taboo as it used to be, its still not the best thing to promote in this biz. It's easy for people like Ellen and Portia who are already at the top...but to pledge my allegiance to pussy before I've even got a series actually broadcasted....might not be the best move career wise. And I don't even know if I'm gay. Maybe I've just designed this crush/obsession to keep my mind focused on something other then food and career and anxiety. Although if that's the case I'm pretty dumb cause it's causing me SO MUCH ANXIETY.

On a completely unrelated note, when I found out I got the part I attempted to call my mom. I know it’s silly but this sudden wave of wanting to share the good news swept over me and I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. I had two numbers for her. One was for the apartment she was living in in Paris- no longer her, the other was for a hotel she had called from on Valentines day- apparently she checked out. No surprises or anything, I'm pretty used to not having any way of getting ahold of her. So I didn’t have anyone to tell and I was sad and I didn’t feel like working out and I can't really eat something yummy to celebrate, not with the daunting knowledge that we start shooting in a week. Pretty much the best thinspiration a girl could ask for. So I was just sort of sad. I guess I felt sorry for myself and for a few fleeting moments I wished I had a friend. See and now that I'm typing all of this I wonder if my crush on J has more to do with loneliness and the fact that when she was training me I had someone to be around a few times a week...someone to get me out of my own head. So now I've made the decision to make a friend but I'm pretty unsure of how to go about that. I didn't go to high school or elementary school out here, so I don't have any "old friends." And on this very serious level I have no trust for people AT ALL, so opening myself up to a person is a very foreign concept to me. Any advice guys, at all? I'm not fucking around here, pretend you are explaining this to a first grader....how does one make friends? This is a pretty embarrassing thing to both confess and ask so I hope you won't think less of me, but I've literally got no one else to ask.

sorry for the quickie!

Just wanted to let you guys know I GOT THE PART! I found out on Monday but this is the first time I've been alone at the computer since. I can't chat long because I have an early morning tomorrow....FINALLY! But I wanted to check in and let you know what happened. Also weighed in at 116 this morning...not so great but its a good place to start :) I have two weeks before we start shooting and a LOT of PR shit to do. They changed my hair color...well, they will tomorrow when I go to the salon! I won't tell you what color but it will be a shocker and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. I'm soooo not one of those girls who just changes her hair with the month. So fingers crossed I don't look ridiculous! Sorry for the quickie ladies but I'll catch you all up as soon as I have some time!!!

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

The audition on Friday went pretty well. I wound up fucking up and eating before Friday though :( Thursday night I could NOT sleep I was so hungry. I started visualizing how my face would look on camera the next morning if I never fell asleep...all bags and red splotches. At 2am I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bag of rice cakes...the 30 calorie ones, and ate like 5 of them. I opened the bag with the intention of eating only one, enough to relax my stomach for like 30 minutes so I could pass out, but once salt hit my tongue it was over. Luckily the bag is divided into two mini-bags with 5 crackers in each so I couldn't eat the entire bag. Still, broke the fast and woke up feeling bloated from all the salt ...bah, lesson: tell dad to buy the low sodium rice cakes from now on! Still, a pretty good week eating wise.

Ok, onto the audition. First of all....B was there. For those of you who followed my blog pre-incarceration you know that B is the biggest douche bag ever and likely the reason our show never got picked up. HE'S A TERRIBLE ACTOR (I'm definitey transferring the blame here- little psychology term I picked up in the joint)! For those of you new to the blog, B is an actor I worked with before getting shipped off in the Fall...he thinks every woman on the planet is in love with him and basically that he is god's gift to mankind. So with him sitting behind the casting desk reading with the girls things are looking pretty bleak. I slapped on my "I get along with everyone all the time" smile and greeted him like we were best buds. I gave him a hug (during which he took the liberty of an ass grab) and laughed about that silly show HE tanked. We finaly sat down to read and I though it went pretty well. Well...at least I did pretty well. He did this thing he always does where he scrunches up his nose and squints his eyes when he wants to look like something's really torchering him...HORRIBLE...I sort of wished the camera had been on him so they could see how artificial he is, but alas I do always prefer the camera on moi!

I read once with him then she brought in some older men for me to read with (I so wish I could give you more story details to make it all make sense, but I just can't chance it). I did pretty well and I could tell by watching her that she was invested in making this work. She must have really liked me at that other audition, the one we met during. It's even possible that she wanted me for that part and the director veto'd it. Ok, I'm off my high horse of tangents now :) so once I had read with three different older men, all of whom were actually pretty fabulous, she and I sat down in the room alone. She was super friendly and basically said that I had the part as far as she was concerned, but that her employers had some serious questions they wanted answered before they "got into bed with me"- yes that is literally what she said :)

Then the un-fun part... "How are things coming with the...ahem, eating thing?" UGHHHHH. "Oh that, yeah, that was just this silly thing I got caught up in during the show....I mean the studio was very anti-fat and I let that go to my head....I'm really very comfortable with my body and I don't care about my weight at all.....hahaha, yeah, so silly really..." shake hands....DEAL! Well, not deal yet. I have to meet with the producers first but according to her the director loved me and told the producers to sort it out....in this business that's as good as in! I HAVE WORK!!!

- ladies, thank you sooooo much for your amazing posts! You are all so wonderful. I haven't been a good poster since I've been back, I know. I think I've just been so bored and depressed that I feel like writing about my life will be uneventful and who would want to read this crap...s0 I've been saving blogs for good news. I've made a resolution to blog more frequently though...if time permits of course! YAY WORK!
I hope you guys have a fantastic weekend and just in case you were wondering- I plan on calling J! Well, not today or tomorrow. I mean, its fucking VALENTINES day and I don't want that kind of pressure. But I did promise I would call if I got the part (which actually isn't even official yet) so I shall. Possibly Monday. Any advice on excuses? Like, for why I have yet to call when she called while I was away AND once after I got back....I don't want the eating thing to be an issue right off the bat, but she knows where I was. I'm not sure how to play this and as most of you actually HAVE relationship experiance I'd love some advice!!! I feel like such a tool asking :)

huh?

Dr. Phil...?/?//? seriously??? Are you a fucking lunatic? Why don't you go find one of the hundreds of girls on here whose careers wouldn't be completely DECIMATED by going on your little talk show. That being said, NEVER go on talk shows ladies. Those and reality tv are the most abusive, truth-distorting, ABOMINATIONS in this town. I literally went on an audition for a reality show when i moved out here....an AUDITION. That means that there's nothing real about them at all!!!! They cast it full of attractive people (a lot of the time attractive doesnt even matter) who are so desperate for attention that they look past the fine print....the part where it says the studio/production can lie about you, cut the footage to make it look like you are the most henious person in the world, not come through and give you whatever reward was promised and pretty much destroy your lives in the process. So I repeat....FUCK NO!

Ok, on to more important matters. I didn't get a callback or the part. I spent all of Sunday sitting by the phone biting my lip (which now has a huge welt on the inside) and nothing...nada. I am trying very hard not to believe that this had anything to do with the 10+ pounds I have yet to shave off, though the thought has entered my mind. I did, however, get a call today from the casting director....the one with the glistening eyes. She wants me to come in for an audition for another "thing" (can't be too specific) she's working on right now. I'm gonna go, if for no other reason then I am so bored I could die right now and it'll give me something to focus on :)

The audition is on Friday so I'm on a 4 day fast til then. Day one went ok, day two is proving more difficult. I'm not going to weigh myself til Friday morning because sometimes I think that getting on the scale is a double edged sword. If I lost weight I feel great...but I also feel freer to endulge here and there, thus setting me back further. And if I gained I just feel like shit and hate myself and sometimes just say "aw fuck it" and eat. So I'm not going to step on the scale until friday morning! I make this pledge to you guys so i can't break it. I've attempted not weighing before and failed...that little plastic box is just so taunting... "step on me" "come on, who's it gonna hurt" "knowledge is power" BAH. Nope, not gonna do it!

Lastly, J. God I wish I could just make a decision and do it. I wish I could make someone else call her for me....someone cooler and nicer and more genuine. If I get the part on Friday I'll call her...if not I shall not. YES, now it is up to chance! I love it when decisions are out of my hands :) perhaps that's why I became an actress.

an audition

So I told myself I wouldn't write again until that wretched 2 had been obliterated from the middle of my weight FOREVER! I was 118 yesterday! Still a far cry from my pre-admittance weight, but there's time yet :) I would have written two days ago when I hit 119, but things have been pretty busy around here this week. This is a very very good thing because I was starting to completely lose my mind! I called my agent back on Tuesday and went out on an audition today. It went well (I will provide no details because of my previous incarceration and my paranoid suspicions about it all being linked to me blabbing), I did awesome! I can't tell you anything about the scene I did, but it require emotion and I cried and when i looked up the casting director had some glistening wetness in her eyes. SCORE!

Have not heard back yet but I believe they were auditioning through Friday. Hopefully I'll know if I have a callback by Sunday, so fingers and toes crossed ladies!

Being back in the game is both refreshing and odd. It sort of all feels the same, but different. Like being in school feels different as you get older and are less and less impressed by the importance of the institution. I feel like a senior who can get away with cutting class (or spending a couple months in an eating disorder facility) and still make the grade. I've always had a knack for reading people and just sort of being the perfect person for them at that moment. When my mom was around she used to call me a chameleon when I'd pull one of my personality shifts, my therapist calls it low grade schizophrenia with sociopathic tendencies, my dad calls it disconcerting....I call it talent! In my profile I said I want to live my life as a doll....because that's the thing I'm best at. I can be the person people want me to be...which I feel is just as lucrative a gift as any other. The problem comes when I try to have real relationships with people. I have no idea which one of these characters I ACTUALLY am, so when I hear all that babble about relationships being about honesty and truth, I just freak out and figure I'm better off alone. J is the first person I've ever really really wanted to MAKE like me. It would be easy, to answer your question, to make her want me or like me. It would be as easy as it was to cry today in that room in front of four people and a camera. But I don't want her in that false, I'm the puppet master, sort of way. I want her to like ME, but I have no idea how to make her like someone I'm pretty damn sure I don't like. This is the reason I have not called her back and the reason I likely will not call her back. To answer another question, we did kiss once. At a party she took me to while we were training together. I've never felt like such a liar in my life. I wish I were brave.