exhaustion sets in- take two

Today was just one of those days where you wake up exhausted. It doesn't help that my day begins at 4:30am. I don't usually require all that much sleep...so it was strange to wake up feeling gross today. I drank three sugar free emergency's for breakfast before leaving for the set. 

On set, they didn't really need me till almost noon so i sat around on my laptop reading blogs. It dawned on me how completely exposed our little community really is. It's like lying in the middle of the desert with only a few sparse palm trees hiding us. Any plane flying overhead would easily spot us....anyone looking can so easily find our fucked up little blog world, i guess who the fuck would look right? ..who cares? I don't know why i'm always so paranoid. I lock myself in the trailer before even logging onto this site and i don't have my account id in "remember me" mode or leave my password on a piece of paper or on my laptop anywhere. I just remember it and the site id etc. It's easy to remember cause i come on every day, and i'm totally freaked that someone will be in my trailer picking up after me, like wardrobe.. and notice something that somehow leads them here. Even typing this is making my heart pound. Fuck, i am a fucking psycho paranoid mother fucker (Sorry about all the fucks, i'm too tired to look for other expletives). 

So i looked at blogs, panicked for like...three minutes...and yes, i did just write an entire paragraph about those three minutes...i apologize. And made a few comments. S. Rider...you are free to contact me with questions through blog, but i cannot give you my email address or email you from a friends...i'm sorry! I thought about it...and as much as i so want to be compliant and helpful, i am riddled with fear and untrusting to an extreme fault. I do invite any questions you have on my blog and i promise to answer said questions in full!!! 

B and i had a scene together and he had been shooting since 8, so he looked super pumped and like he was having a ball and i wanted to shove my foot in his crotch. Eww, how is it that something can be attractive enough to put inside of you one minute...and the next, its the most grotesque thing you've ever seen and having to speak to it and interact with it is a painful, torturous punishment. It took three hours to rap B and then it was just me for two hours and then K came and it was us till now...well, an hour ago when i got off. Shoot days are death. Sometimes shoot days are worse then 9 to 5's. Speaking of....got a date with J on Saturday. Well...not a date, a workout, similar to a date. I mean, i don't know how many of you have ever worked with a trainer...but they touch you fucking EVERYWHERE! It's a very erotic thing to me lately...the training thing. 

Back at 108 today...and i do have a fucking digital scale...and tiled floor and carpet so nowhere really reliable to put the scale down on. I don't weigh myself at the studio gym because i'm sure someone will follow me and the last time i was in a hospital or went to see a doctor they made me stand backwards every time i stepped on a scale. So i guess my real weight is a mystery. I believe my digital scale is accurate to an extent...and that its pretty consistent with my eating. I don't wanna think about it....not something i need to stress about, cause if i do i won't stop...so avoidance wins! gotta hit the hay now...about to die...sleep could help...bye...win it..thin it...in it...too tired- love

Slow Reactions

On set, looking over my blog and the comments...very strange today so i think i shall comment. First, Belle, You have nothing at all to be sorry about lady!!! Curiosity never killed any cat i had:) I wouldn't write my blog if i didn't invite and excite in comments and questions!!! As you can clearly see, i too struggle with offending people often. But when you speak your mind it will ALWAYS be offensive to someone!!! Thats part of the joy of blogging right??? Those offended people have the right to comment or not...no punches are thrown!!!

Now, S. Rider, lets deal with that. I'm not sure who you are. Granted i don't KNOW any of the girls who comment on my blog...but your blog doesn't allow me access, so i can't even scope you out. You clearly understand my reservations and fears in allowing such questions or interviews to take place. How do you conduct an interview over blog??? Who are you?? Where do you study?? What kind of publication might this interview be published in? I don't want to be a pain, but this blog is one of the only real things i have in my life...so perhaps you can understand why i am so protective of it and of my anonymity. 

   Back to blogging!!! The set is quiet today. But i got a flat screen tv. I know...say what? I showed up at my trailer this morning and there was a flat screen tv. Which tells me one thing, the producers like the first two episodes!!!!! YAY!!!! There is so much subtle language in this industry. No one ever just pounds you on the back and says...good job kid. Nope...they leave a flat screen, sony, hd, 1080i, 32 inch flat screen in your trailer without a word. Whatev, i wish it had been a treadmill. Maybe i'll drop hints for the next time the producers are feeling generous. So then i had to go out there and be all thankful and cutesie...vomit. Perhaps i could park the treadmill in front of the tv and have the network get me back seasons of the biggest loser!!! YES, that would be the ideal gift! A treadmill and back seasons of the biggest loser...hell yeah!!!

k, they're calling me, i may post later tonight....was 109 this morning....piece of shit scale. Why can't i just stay the same? I ate NOTHING yesterday...whats my fucking body's problem. Oh well, i know its not real weight!!! Peace out ladies...-stay in it to win it :)

DUNNO

I don't really know my own sexual preference to be honest...i always thought i was straight. Then, after high school, i just started thinking of myself as asexual...cause i don't really find men that attractive. Then this J thing started...i mean, super recently. So who knows...perhaps I'm one of those people who thinks sexuality is fluid. I guess i have to make up my mind about that if I'm gonna enter the gay community...since that made up ALL of J's party guests last night. Fucking lesbians everywhere...with agendas....i just fucking hate politics man. I don't want anyone to be oppressed or mistreated, but leave it at the office. Sorry, again i am offensive. I don't think i'll ever really be friends with anyone. no, if i continue to hate all people then who am i to expect anyone to like me? Do I want anyone to like me? Yes, i want people to like me and that is it...that is the key, the problem...the big fucking thorn in my people hating foot. If i want people to like me, i will forever be at their mercy. I must kill that part of me...the people needing part. I wonder if its in a finger...cause i will totally cut off a finger to get rid of it!

The party went ok. I smiled and was very quiet...only talked if someone asked me something. It was clear right away that J had told some of these women about me. Whatev...that means she likes me right. Ok, so i tried not to make anything obvious at the party...i laughed and talked to J a little, but mingled and didn't stick to her side like an obnoxious brat. I mean, so what if we kissed, its not like i own her. Didn't eat a thing..but i didn't weigh myself this morning because i didn't wake up at my own house!!!! Yup, i stayed...don't worry, it was very secretive and sneaky. When the oscars ended everyone left. It ended at like, 9 because it starts at 5:30 here. So it was just us...and wine...which i drank because i'd eaten nothing and i knew one glass would do the trick! I won't go into detail...not that kinda gal.

This morning i woke up, called a cab and took it to the studio. Got there and dad was already there looking pretty confused. I really need to fucking start remembering to just call and tell him i'll be out. I've felt like such an ass both times now. I suck as a daughter, its totally unfair to him. I told him i drank and decided to stay the night on J's couch. He has no reason to think anything of it...i mean she's a girl.

Got home, decided not to weigh myself till morning, very difficult so far! I want juice..i have this enormous craving for juice...but i think i should refrain. I have swimming scenes on friday and the bathing suit worries me. It's in my contract that i get to approve of any swimsuit or underwear i am to be featured in...but its not like i'm gonna say no to whatever they have. I'll just wear it. So pre work is called for! Fast begins today...it will be comprised of liquids only...like, skim milk, water and diluted orange juice (so i don't get sick before shooting) only.... no diet soda as i do not want to retain water and be bloated in spandex. Ughhh, perhaps by friday i will be, like 107 or something. No...too much to hope for??isit??? oh well. YOu guys are awesome...thank god there's an outlet like this in the world. I just hate the idea of dying and having spent my entire life living in my own head. I love that there is a way to put things out there without anyone ever knowing its you. It's amazing! Hope you all watched the oscars! Fucking Milk and the fucking political agendas. I make a horrible gay person don't i. What's that quote again...i don't wanna be a part of a club that would allow me to be a member...can't remember who said it. If the lesbos want me then the club must suck! HA. ok, now you all think i'm a huge homophob...but how can i be??? i may be a homo! peace out- gotta go not think about food some more. I'm going to sit in my closet for an hour and think about my ass in a bikini....it will be good for me!!! PEACE OUT LADIES :)

Oscar Day

Hey ladies...sorry for the delays again. Things are just happening so quickly and i never seem to be alone anymore...which sorta sucks. I miss my computer time...but hey, once the show raps i'll have nothing to do again and be super depressed and write posts every 4 hours.

Being on set with B is now the lamest thing ever. We are NOT friends...we are awkward and uncomfortable and i dislike it. Unfortunately, i am being paid an exorbitant fee to tolerate and be around B daily...so i must learn to deal. Poop. Ok, soooo, yesterday was the 9 to 5 and i woke up this morning at 108...because i ate NOTHING yesterday and burned well over 2000 calories. She kicks my ass in that gym and i just smile bigger the harder it gets. I love it when it hurts...i love it when it hurts and she's crouched next to me with this sick "i love it when it hurts too" smile on her face, egging me on "just two more sets [my name], push through it." So the workout was relatively formal considering how close i feel we've gotten...no asking out for later, no lunch out of the gym. So i realized at about 3 that i was gonna have to ask her to do something. So at 5 i was stretching on the mats, she was helping me stretch (nothing is even close to as sensual as being stretched out by someone you're into)...i asked her to a movie. She said yes and asked when...and i said, "how about tonight?" and she said yes. So i told her, i don't have a car at the moment, but my dad can drop me off, or we can meet somewhere. But she just calmly told me she'd pick me up...which is wicked because she drives a black jag and I lovveeeee JAGS!!!! I suggested "The Wrestler", but only because i fucking obsessively stalk the oscars and i needed to catch up on my nominees, but she was really into it and apparently had been wanting to see that movie for a while. So J picks me up at 6 for a 7 o'clock movie and we drove out there, to downtown Burbank....and we walked around on the lovely cobblestone like downtown area they have in Burbank. We didn't hold hands or anything....just rubbed arms sorta as we walked. Went into a candy shop...she got a huge HUGE bag of gummy things that i made a mental note not to touch (tough for me cause i love gummy things and i always overeat them because i associate them with no fat...from the days before i realized calories were just as bad as fat) and then we went over to the movies. I rushed in front of her...possibly too abruptly...but i really wanted to pay for the tickets so she'd know it was a date...and so she'd know i knew it was a date too. So i paid for the tickets, and she stood aside smiling. Why is she so pretty??Why why why? I kinda wish i looked like J sometimes. Like, so strong and together and fit...like, not an ounce of fat on her body, pure muscle, but not bulky or gross, just slender long muscles. She just looks so strong and confident all the time...even watching me buy our tickets. So we went in....found good seats in the middle, watched the movie, LOVED the movie, left the movie...walked to the car...this time hands grazing each other much more blatantly, until i sucked it up and just grabbed her hand...she didn't even look up, she just opened her hand and closed it around mine. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. We got to the car, got in...she said, where to? I shrugged...not entirely sure what she wanted me to say at that point. So she suggested we go to a park and play on the jungle gym. We did...and i felt 12 and it was pretty great. At the park we took off our shoes and went running around, going down the slide and playing on the swings. When we were on the swings she kissed me. It wasn't like a big, french, all over the place kiss...it was a planted, intense, intentional kiss. After the kiss she asked if i wanted to see her place...which was what i wanted...100000% wanted to see her place...but i wasn't sure if i should, which is really retarded in retrospect because duh i should....why the fuck shouldnt i?  But i just am the kind of person who doubts every fucking decision i make...i'm a loser. So i said....can we do it another night. And she seemed fine with that...but i wasn't...i was really really pissed at myself for not just saying yes and getting what i've been wanting...finaly. But then she asked me what i was doing for the oscars, and i said nothing...just hanging out at home placing bets with my dad like usual (didn't include the dad part to her...trying very hard to be cool here)...so she said she always has a little party for the oscars at her place and would i like to come. I said yes...I HATE PARTIES....but i said yes. So now i'm pretty miserable about the fact that tonight, one of my favorite events of the year is a red zone night....pretty fucking miserable. But the plus side is that the oscars start at 5pm out here and will be over relatively early..and maybe party people will leave...and i won't...and then maybe.....

ughhh, i'm hopeless. At least i'm 108 for the party...i will take my solace in that. Please ladies, please cross your fingers and toes that i have the balls to make a move tonight. I will not eat a thing at the party, i have already decided this. I'm pretty good at completely avoiding food...i'm no good at having just a little. Its all or nothing...hmmm, life is sorta that way too, all or nothing. OK, off to plan clothing for tonight...fucking people everywhere like blood thirsty leaches...gotta be prepared!!!! peace out little ladies, stay in it to win it :)

another late post

again, i failed to post on my breaks. Perhaps it is time for me to stop promising. I talked to B today...well, he talked to me. He found me, i was on another set listening to my ipod (alanis, "jagged little pills," i don't know what it is about those songs but they just totally get me into the character and mindset of a teenager...i apologize to those of you who are teenagers as i was one recently and would have resented that ignorant stereotype). its just the kind of teenager i play is pretty angsty, which is great because i am SO anti-angst...and this lets me really experience my emotions and reactions to things that happen in a way i never allow myself  to do when i just play me. So B caught me and was all like, "we have to talk" and i was all like, oops what did you say, my earphones were in and i couldn't hear you...not true...and then he said "i really didn't mean for that to happen [my name], i've liked you for a while and i just didn't want it to happen like that." I coughed and sighed and blinked three times and stood.....silently....no noise....he says "do you maybe want to do something again sometime? just the two of us?" I said "no" too quickly, he looked punched, i told him i was involved with someone else. He looked slightly less sad. He asked who and i said i was keeping it on the dl. He understood and asked if we could be friends. I said sure and smiled as if i wanted to be his friend and as though we would hang out all the time and do friend shit together. I hope they kill off his character so i don't have to be around him anymore. I wish the fucking weekend would come. I have a 9 to 5 with J on Saturday and i'm psyched...cause i'm gonna wait the entire day and then if she doesn't ask me to do something by the end of the workout, i'm going to see if she wants to go to a movie...and hopefully she will say yes and perhaps my affair will begin and B will be dead...some tragic drunk driving episode, to make the kiddies more careful at those weekend keggers, wishful thinking. I want it to start already...like, i think about her all the time. i've already accepted in my brain that it will happen...but then a part of me just LOVES the wanting part. Like i love wanting her and wanting her close to me...and wanting to say interesting shit so she'll laugh or be amazed...yes, i am prepared...but as you advised discretion is key.

still 109 this morning...very happy with that, perhaps i will be able to knock off the last 4 pounds in a week??? too lofty??? 105 would be crazy...i don't even know what i'll look like, i can't remember the last time i was 105....like......very early adolescence, when i was, like 3 inches shorter. Am super stoked to see what it will look like. Hoping i still look like me but excited at the prospect of an entirely new person showing up in the mirror! will post tomorrow! not saying when :P

oops

Sorry i didn't post on my break today, but i literally spent all of my breaks hiding from B. Blah, why am i such a loser. I think i have one of those social disorders...where i don't interact well with others. There was a girl on ANTM who had it, what was it...like assburger syndrome...i know that spelling was offensive and I apologize, thats just how it sounded to me phonetically. Maybe there's a pill i can take to make me less of a loser...or make me hate people a little less. I mean, i know i say it a lot, but i really really do hate people. I can't help it, its like, the voices all saying stupid, irrelevant things and expecting everyone to care.  I really just want to hide in my house all the time. Like, in my head there are green zones, orange zones and red zones. Green zones are the best because i don't have to deal with any people in green zones....my house and the gym are the only green zones i know of. The gym has a lot of people, but everyone is super into themselves and no one has makeup on or wears anything cute so no one at the gym really wants to have an interaction. Orange zones are places i know i'll have to interact with others, but its a controlled interaction...like a small amount of time with a lot of rules ensuring i don't end up in Fiji or some shit like that. Meetings are orange, shooting is orange, going out to dinner with dad is orange. Then the red zones are the ones i avoid like the plague...those are clubs mostly and bars and parties and places where people forget about boundaries, orrr places where boundaries are removed for you either through substance abuse or lack of breathing space. Red zones suck balls. College was one gigantic red zone. ok, thats enough people ranting for one day. Could it be genetic? Perhaps i'm not satan and its just a disorder...i hate the anxiety...the anxiety about hating people and how i'll end up alone (though i know it sounds like i want that...i don't, i really don't), and the anxiety about going to hell for hating people and not caring about the things they do or say, or the anxiety about anxiety...and that i'll have a heart attack from worrying so much...blah, going to bed now. I'll post during break tomorrow, well, i'll try. I love you guys...i love how you exist across cyberspace and are in no way threatening or malignant. I do not hate you...and thats the first time i've felt positively towards a group of people as a whole...hmmm-peace out!!!!

Photo shoot and waking up in weird places??

The photo shoot went well...but also horribly. It was actually the most fun i've had in a while, but also marked the beginning one of the worst nights ever. The mood was great at the shoot itself...and everyone was just, i dunno, nice...the set gets super formal, everyone just punching a clock and going off to their own space after takes. But this was great, because we HAD to joke and goof around so the photographer could get variety. We had to do something so few actors in this town can actually do well, but that which is also the foundation of acting...improv! It was fun...and B (for Boy and not his name)...love interest on show kept holding my hair up from behind me and kissing my neck...and i hate to say it, but it was fun being kissed and playing a person in love. It makes me want to be normal and in love with a guy who has a place of his own, and a dog, a white shaggy dog and oxford shirts i can wear to bed and wake up in. But its just a catalogue and i wouldn't actually know what to do with it. But i guess i wasn't thinking about the tragically stupid things i let myself do when i talk or take interest in others. Dad was at the shoot, and he mistook my adrenaline and yes, some hormones (ladies, being kissed on the neck is really just a turn on, hard not to get a little hot right???) for fun and me taking interest in a boy...so when i asked if i could go out with B and three of his friends (all of whom were girls) my dad said sure, and smiled and gave me cab money. Damn that man to hell. I went out with B, he drove...the girls were fun and they were nice to me...but not really nice, like, the fake LA nice that you get from everyone out here when you're doing well. I hate people. So B ignored the other girls, and kept stroking my neck and running his hands down my leg which is stupid, and babyish and i should have had my wits about me...but it was weirdly intoxicating, and we made out, and i drank, and i don't drink, and we had sex...which i absolutely hate because i associate it with pregnancy and fat...so i grabbed the morning after pill from the ER on my way home. B was still passed out when i left and i only hope to god there were no photographers anywhere we went last night...i'm sooo embarrassed and i do not in any way wish to share it with the world. Dad asked how were things last night and i smiled and laughed and said that we all fell asleep in a hotel room. He doesn't want to know anything. I know my dad. 

Ran upstairs to shower and wash the smell of others off...got naked, hopped on the scale and saw 109...i do not know how or why things cosmically work like this. The most horrendous things happen, followed immediately by the most splendid. I got into the shower and it was like, i had forgotten the bad night...it became a celebratory shower instead of a regret/yuck/dirty shower of morning-after shame. I didn't eat anything else on Sunday, then this morning i went to work, acted like nothing happened with B (he went with it thank god) and i think the crisis has been averted. Hopefully i have also learned my lesson and will no longer go out with people after things...other then J in utter and complete secrecy. It's always best to keep the things that are most important secret! don't you agree. Secrecy is the stone upon which i sharpen my blade!!!! Ok, off to bed, will bring laptop to set tomorrow and write, promise!

Date and a Spread

So i went out with J...after we worked out on Friday we went out for drinks and food (none for me of course, i had diet coke and seven peanuts and 4 lime wedges)- we talked about the show...about the famous people she trains, etc. She asked me about still living with my dad and i tried to brush it off...but i guess it would be weird for some people...at 23 still living with a parent. Hadn't really thought about it to be honest. The idea of not living with him petrifies me, so there's no way i could change it...but i guess someday i'll have to live on my own...i mean, he'll die eventually so its inevitable. Anyway...the "date" went really well and she invited me to a club tonight, a lesbian club...and i said no, and she asked why, and i said "cause of the publicity" and she nodded and said "yeah, i guess the paparazzi's already started bugging you huh" and i said "naw" i mean the show hasn't even come out yet...so i qualified with "the studio has a lot of shit in my contract about acting out etc." and she seemed to let it go with that. I realized that since she had asked me on a second date...or sorta date, and i had nixed the place, that it was now my turn. So I asked if she wanted to go running on saturday (today) not realizing of course that it would be valentines day, and she said yes....so we went running this morning and then went to breakfast at ihop and i ate pancakes, heart shaped pancakes that she ordered for me and paid for...ughhhhh!!!! But she looked adorable in her track suit and the heart shaped pancakes were such a nice sentiment...so i ate them, and then excused myself to go to the bathroom (to puke), came back and was just...happy. I can't explain it, but sitting there across from her, even with a plate of half eaten pancakes covering the table, i just felt this calm, or maybe it was just a lack of anxiety, but it was wonderful and i wanted to sit in it forever. But then my dad called on my cell and told me the studio had been calling at home for me for hours and i needed to get back for some sort of photo shoot....ughhhhh. So we ran back to the park where we left our cars, hugged (i didn't know what else to do) and left. 

So i think i'm in love and i don't know what to do about it...but i like it...so i won't do anything about it, i'll just GO with it. When i got home i called the studio...well, the guy who bothers me from the studio, we'll call him M. He's a dick and doesn't ask for anything ever, he just commands and barks shit at people...total male diva!!! Anyway, he said the studio wants to do a promotional poster to put on billboards in major cities, but they needed to get it shot pronto....so sunday, poop. But my sag contract says i get paid double for weekends so SWEEET!!!!! So me and K and a phew other cast members are gonna have a big photo shoot tomorrow that i'm pretty excited about. The scale said 111 this morning which is a pretty respectable weight to take pictures at. No eating till then of course. My dads excited and he wants to take me to a movie now...maybe slumdog because i haven't seen it and the oscars are coming up and i hate not being able to vote at home because i didn't see the movies. Oh well, off to shower and look up movie times!!!! Sorry the posting slowed down so much lately...this working thing is stressful and time consuming, but i'll get in the habit and it'll improve, promise!!! YOu guys are the best, stay in it to win it :)))) <-- hahaha double chins!

Slow Move On

Hey little ladies, so things are sorta back to normal...sort of. Today is my first actual day off in FOREVER so i thought i'd begin it with a little blog, to help get me back on track. I was 112 today...which sucks balls considering, but is still lower then my audition goal weight...and lower then my morning-after-binges weight--114. I have J again tomorrow, thank god...though my last day with her was kind of the day that began all the madness. I don't know what it is about that woman but she just sucker-punches me in the stomach the minute i see her (not literally of course) and its like, i'm out of breath and running to keep up and it probably also doesn't help that i'm physically exhausted the entire time i'm with her because she runs me ragged...but damn. I think i'm gonna ask her to do something. Like...not a date, just go somewhere really casual and hang out...then i cross my fingers and hope she'll do the rest of the work! Bad idea?? I need some tips here ladies...how do you begin an affair with a woman when you A) Have never slept with a woman before and B) are too afraid to let anyone too close because of your obsession with ana. Hmmm, ok....i'm gonna do it though. No matter what, i'm going to ask her to dinner, yes DECIDED!!!! OK, now my stomach is doing somersaults...just from writing it down. Also, if i'm with J all evening there's no way i'll pig out or eat anything crappy...the last thing i'd ever want is for her to see me eat anything other then lettuce. I bet if i was a boy this would be hella easier. Do you ever wish you were a boy??? like for more reasons then just that you wouldn't have to wait for a guy to make the first move. Like, first off...men can lose SOOOO much more weight then women, its just hideously unfair. I remember how my mom would get raving pissed at my dad in the morning when they'd get on the scale and he'd absently spout "hey look, i lost another two pounds...weird, i'm not actually doing anything"- one time, she physically threw the scale at him. It hit him on the arm and i remember he wouldn't make me waffles that morning because he had to ice it and mom kept apologizing and refreshing his ice....the memories that come to you in the midst of a blog..hmmm. Ok, gonna chill out today, take it easy and come up with a really good place to take J tomorrow after the 9 to 5...also will get a head start on next weeks lines!!!! Hope you are all having a marvelous week with tons of weight loss!!!!! I really appreciate all of your wonderful words of encouragement- you guys are the BEST! Stay in it to win it :)

HATE

I absolutely, 100% HATE MYSELF right now. I've been on a fucking 3 day binge...during shooting. WHO DOES THAT? I have it all right in the palm of my hands and i fucking throw it away...three nights in a fucking row. I was fine on set each day...i mean, with the obvious motivation directly in front of me...but then i'd get home at 9 or 10 and just, get stoned and go ape shit. I know i know...don't smoke...but i just HAD to unwind...like, i had to. It was stupid, i need to not smoke weed anymore, it'll help, i know it will. I feel grotesque...how much water weight can one hold onto from a binge? I was 114 this morning which SUCKS SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! How much can i write off as water weight you think??? ughhh, and now my stomach is killing me because i feel hungry again...and i hate it, it kills. I refuse to give in though, not again, no more weed. Fuck...i just hate to think what i'm capable of if i could do that for 3 days straight...its petrifying. 

I also do really apologize for not writing sooner...i was literally to grossed out with myself to confront my blog. I love blogging, so it was my punishment! Ughhh, i'm gonna go close my eyes and see if i can fall asleep and make the day end...so i can at least believe the binge fest is over and that i made it through one day on top. God, i'm hopeless- hope you ladies have been doing better then me. 

Exhaustion Sets In

I feel like a tornado hit my brain right now. I can't even really distinguish between what i'm actually saying in conversation, and the lines that are just circling around in my head. K was wonderful this week, she really was...i just hope i kept up. Dad got them to take the junk out of my trailer. Now there's just a fruit plate, which actually still pisses me off...i mean its a fucking temptation and the mango just sits there, taunting me at the center of the platter. I HATE FOOD...I mean, i love it, but i fucking hate that it exists. It would be so much easier to avoid if it wasn't EVERYWHERE. Like...our society is fucking run by food...you don't go out with a friend for the day to just see a movie and take a walk...you go out for a meal...always a fucking meal. I guess thats why i don't have any friends. Good decision on my part!!

For the Good news of the week....I'm down to 110...just one more pound till the single digits!!! I cannot wait to wake-up to 109. It will be a glorious day! I wish i had the energy today to go for a run or workout, but i'm fully pooped. I can't lift my legs at all. If i don't work out at all today, but i intake fewer then 400 calories i should at least maintain. I have J all day tomorrow, so thats something to look forward to, and an excuse for not working out today...i mean even God took a day to fucking rest right? Its funny because i feel so guilty right now about the idea that i'm not going to workout today...that i probably will end up working out anyway. Ok, i will still do less then 400...like, 2 yogurts and an apple (no peanut-butter today) and thats it. If i end up feeling like working out later, oh well...still not gonna change the food plan. Good luck ladies, hope all is going well with you guys!!! I'm gonna catch up on all your blogs today!!!! Stay in it to win it :)

On Set

Sooo, as the title of this post implies, i'm writing it from the studio set. I say studio set, because as i'm learning we actually have 3 different sets for this show. The main one is here on "bleep" Lot, which i have to say is one of my favorite studios out here. The other two sets for the pilot are in Pasedena...just two different houses owned by regular joes who i guess get paid to let us film there if we ever have outdoor scenes or getting into the car in the driveway scenes. 

   We are on our lunch break right now...at fucking 10:45 am...because we start so early and the SAG contract gives me breaks every, like, 4 hours...it kind of sucks. I'm here in my trailer...which i love, its a beautiful trailer with a bed and a tv and...ughhhh MORE FOOD then any human should EVER consume. What the fuck happened to the fat clause in the contract. I mean...i understand providing a fruit plate for people...maybe cheese and wine or something....but there is a full sized cake sitting behind me right now, and an enormous platter of salami sandwiches, and mini hot-dogs and and and...the list just goes on. I was really REALLy good yesterday and i ate nothing (in preparation for shooting i've realized that i have to stay under 500 calories a day in order to just maintain, fucking starvation metabolism)....i did fluids before bed and this morning and i was 111 this morning... i ate yogurt on the way here so i'd have energy but this crap in here will destroy me if i have to see it every day. I wonder if my dad can make them take it all away. I'm gonna go ask. Sorry this is such a short one. If we wrap at a reasonable hour i'll write again tonight!!! PEACE OUT LADIES!!!!- and thanks for the comments...i'm gonna catch up on your blogs as soon as they give me a fracking day off!!! 

everything at once

Sorry i haven't written in a couple of days, its just that things have been OFF THE HOOK crazy here. So monday was my all day workout with J...and it was fantastic...well, the workout part was great...she had me begging for death which is my measurement for a great workout. It was weird though...she didn't make a ton of eye contact with me and when i told her about the part (which she of course already knew about) she congratulated me...and hugged me, but it was just empty. YOu know what i mean...i don't know what i did or didn't do. It was like she was a different person, focused entirely on the workout...not me at all. So i went home that day and ate. I am soooo pissed off at myself. All this fucking hard work and i blow it because i'm fucking emotionally insecure about a non-relationship with my fucking trainer. Once i had consumed almost everything in our fridge, i sat down on the floor in front of the sink and cried...which i never fucking do. And of course thats how my dad had to find me. So then we had the talk...the "are you sure this is what we should be doing" talk...he mentioned passing on the pilot and that was it for me. I went off on him like i've never gone off on my dad before. He just sort of sat there and took it. And when i was done blasting him, he just silently stood up, went back into the kitchen and brought me a glass of ice water. Then he went up to bed. I was fucking 113 this morning and I HATE MYSELF. Does anyone else feel like they sabotage themselves. LIke, right before you're about to hit a monumental goal (for me it was breaking into the single digits...109 is a dream now...just a dream) and you fuck yourself over. I hate it so much and i feel so stupid for not thinking about it and reasoning my way out of that kitchen. FUCK....so i didn't eat all day today. Well, i ate two fruit flavored tums at like, noon, because my stomach was out of control growling...probably because i stretched it out so much with the idiotic night binge.ughhhhhhhh ok, thats it for this post. i've been dreading writing it all out, but now that its down and over...it wasn't so bad. 

Hanna- yes, my dad does know about my medical card. He took me to get it and i actually was able to use my eating disorder medical documentation as grounds for the card. Anorexia is one of the listed illnesses MJ apparently cures (hahahahahhaha) at least in California. You should see one of the stores though, there are hundreds out here...and they are all insane and like, the mecca for pot smokers!!!! - hope all is well with you :)

Little ladies, stay in it to win it....hopefully my setback can be corrected with a few days of diligence...and we start shooting the pilot tomorrow, so that should keep me distracted. I just wish J had been more receptive...i was pretty excited to get to see her weekly...but it looks like my lesbian affair might be over before it even began. PEACE OUT

a new month

Producers meeting = ridiculous

Was back to 111 this morning...thank the lord! Probably because i ate a handful of Uncle Sams cereal last night and drank, like, a gallon of water. 

We got a drive-on pass again at the studio, parked, found the building, took the elevator, got out, walked down a very narrow hallway covered in framed, autographed photos...to a door at the end of the hall. We walked in and there were 5 men..yes, all men, in the EXACT same suit, lined up along one side of the table. They started going through the contract...boring stuff....we start shooting the pilot in, like, 4 days, and money...the money sounds lovely, and then after the pilot we have an option period where networks will bid on it, and then someone will pick it up, either for a trial run (6 episodes) or a full season (12 or 13 episodes). All of this was very interesting, but the highlight of the day, by far, was going over the FAT CLAUSE...which i mentioned yesterday.

 The Fat Clause stipulates that i am not to gain any more then 10 pounds during the entire run of the show (mind you...it is not legal to weigh me at any time...so how they will know exactly what i have or have not gained is beyond me). The producers treated it really lightly, like it was sort of a joke....saying things like, "as if you would gain weight" and gesturing to me and laughing, all of them...in a cute little obnoxious row. Then one of them said something like, "they make us include these...its silly, but it does guarantee certain perks" (dad had already explained to me that they would hire me a trainer...and that its sort of the way the studios keep tabs on their younger female actresses). SICK. oh well, the producers had a great time, and i smiled through the entire thing...and they laughed and i laughed and the only person in the room who barely cracked a smile was my dad. He's not a fan of contracts, he takes these meetings really seriously . Which is cool, i mean someone has to! Plus the weight thing bugs him...he gets protective and angry but he keeps his cool. Anyway, we signed everything and everything is all set up and written in stone. Tomorrow i have J all day which is wonderful but also nerve wracking...i mean, she does sort of melt me to butter. But i so long to be tortured for a full day...and she is just so damn good at it!!!!! Stay in it to win it!!! Peace out little ladies.