Constipation and Contemplation

sOOOO, As i'm sure you have all inferred from the title of this post...i am very very constipated and not entirely sure what to do about it. I'm not really into laxatives because they make life too unpredictable...an entire day on the toilette is unrealistic...there's just too much to do and nothing more embarrassing then excusing ones self from an audition or a shoot to go let mother nature play its course. I honestly wouldn't complain or bring it up at all...but its been 5 days and i don't know the average length of time a person can go....but 5 days is a bit in my book! Any suggestions??? DON'T TELL ME TO EAT GRAPES- I hate grapes more then anything else in the entire world!!!!!!!

Ok, so the producer meeting is tomorrow which is wicked cool. They faxed over all the paperwork we're gonna be going over last night...and my contract actually has a FAT clause!!!! I am not permitted to gain more then 10 pounds during the run of the show....it says nothing, of course, of losing weight! I thought that was hilarious...and awesome!!! I mean, the more incentives not to eat the better, right? My dad wasn't too happy...but he won't say anything about it. Thats why i like him, the strong silent type. He wants to protect me from the world that i beg and plead and would do anything to be a part of...but he knows how badly i want it and i think he wants it that badly for me!!! Anyway...i just thought that was a funny section of the agreement!!! I will happily sign!!!

On that note, a lot of comments have been talking about my happiness level. I am happy, very happy...i mean, things are happening exactly as i planned....everything! However, i don't really do anything else...i spend the majority of my time exercising, which, though i love it, gets tiresome and repetitive. My only real friend is my father. My mother doesn't speak to me or care at all about my existence, I have an nasty little habit of landing myself in the hospital right in the midst of VERY IMPORTANT SHIT,  and i will most likely die before 40 because of bone deterioration or some other shit thing not eating for 12 years does to the body. But despite all that....yeah, i'm happy. It might be a skewed, slightly messed up version of happiness...but who is there to judge, i have no one!!!! The less people you let in, the less people there are to compare yourself and the state of your life to...to put things in perspective. On the upside...who wants to live past 40??? wrinkles, children, marriage, mortgages...doesn't sound magical to me...so yes....HAPPY...happy happpy happy!!!! I hope you all are as happy as i am!!!! peace out...and stay in it to win it little ladies!!!!

echhh

Echhhh, I was 112 this morning....and it was like, 112.5 which makes noooo sense because i had NOTHING yesterday of any substance. I had a slice of 40 cal bread with a slice of turkey and cheese melted on it...and that was IT. At the very most it was 400 cals (which i doubt) so how does one GAIN weight eating 400 calories??? This world makes no sense. Thanks god my meeting with the producers isnt until Sunday. I also get to resume my twice weekly workouts with J come Monday, so the weight is less worrisome knowing that intensity is coming. There's just so much more at stake with my weight then just vanity or obsession...and entire viewing audience will be watching my body, judging at and reading in tabloids about it. Perhaps i'm getting ahead of myself...i mean, the studio hasn't even picked this up yet, so anything could happen between now and September. Thats how it works out here with pilots...you get a script, you get actors, you build sets, you spend thousands of dollars shooting something that may never see the light of day. Oh well...i believe the studio actually already took half an option on this show...because of K's attachment to it....so that means 6 episodes NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Thank god! AND, no matter what happens i get paid. I just get paid a SHIT TON more if it gets picked up for a full run! 

Hanna, to answer your question, YES my dad knows about this blog...he doesn't read it or know the password to get onto it, but he's not just my dad, he's also one of my agents and my manager and perhaps for most people this would be a monumental error, but it works for us. I'm sorry if it sounds strange or weird to you...but so many things have really really NOT worked for us...so i'm not gonna fuck with it. I mean, if he lets me do whatever the fuck i need to do to get thin and to stay that way...why shut him out?? He helps, he helps a lot!!!! My dad's the only reason i'm not in a hospital right now...he's the only reason i have an agent at all, and he's the only person, other then you ladies, who i trust...and he's earned my trust. 

Drum roll please....

I'll just begin with my weight...since it is the focus of my life and the all consuming question on EVERYONES mind (that of course could just be in my head)...but i was 111 this morning...which is nuts and insane and wonderful and overwhelming and and and....i'm out of ands. Just got back from the gym....not with J unfortunately. I did mostly cardio this morning to get ready for my shoot this evening, but i threw in some ab workouts. I took pilates my senior year of undergrad and i learned the most amazing stomach tightening techniques that i now swear by. So I'm lying there on my purple workout mat that i bring with me to the gym...because god knows who or WHAT has sweated on those blue gym mats. And I just finished a set, and i'm breathing and running my fingers inside that little concave area between my ribs when i noticed someone staring. There was this middle age woman on the treadmill behind my sweating to the oldies or whatever the fuck people listen to at the gym (i stick with jagged little pill- Alanis...i know, behind the times blah blah blah, but i love it!) and staring at me point blank. I saw the envy in her eyes searing into me...and i sorta milked it. I stretched out long on my mat and breathed in sucking the concave deeper, and then i glanced at her again out of the corner of my eye...and she was still watching. It was like i was a tv set...or a fucking twinki, and her mouth was watering. The woman couldn't have been more then 150 pounds...probably 5'6'' or something like that...just a guestimate...but i saw the hunger in her eyes and I LOVED IT. I love when people look at me and want to look like me...now i'm not a huge fan of those people actually speaking to me....but the afar thing really works for me. I got off on it so much i hopped on the treadmill next to her and doubled her speed....I'M A HUGE ASS HOLE BY THE WAY!!!! She stopped outright staring...but every few minutes she'd glance over at my time, or my calories/hr and then quickly avert he eyes....PEOPLE ARE FASCINATING!!!

   Sooooo, i'm sure you're wondering why i saved this for the middle of my post...i know, i'm strange that way, but i wanted to describe the gym thing first, because it just happened and put me in the wonderful mood i was in when i got home, like 3o minutes ago and listened to the answering machine. I GOT THE FUCKING PART. HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS!!!!!! I'm in. We start filming in February and my script is already on its way and they want a meeting with me and my agents to talk terms and they loved me and and and....god whats with all the ands right! So I'M IN!!! And guess what, L didnt get cast. Not as the best friend, not as anything!!!!! So its me and K and NOOOOOO L, at all!!! This set is going to be a fabulous environment to work in. I can't believe it....like, its a dream come true. I'm going to be acting every day...with awesome people. I do have to tell you, my dad immediately gave me a talking to about this blog and the privacy shit i'll be signing and how important it is that i don't divulge anything that could give me away...blah blah blah...i won't, but i'll tell you everything else, so don't worry!!!!!! I think its supposed to air next season though...thats all i'm gonna say..nothing else....ahhhh, just too excited now. I think i'll go run around the block a billion times until i'm exhausted....because nothing else seems to calm me down these days. I'm stuck in this permanent manic episode....of course it is justified as things have been going ridiculously well and i should probably just shut up and count my blessings!!! Ok, gonna go exhaust myself now before the shoot tonight, peace out little ladies!!!! 

Old Movies

Dad took me to a series of short, early films at the Shrine tonight to distract me...we just got back. I can't believe where movies have come from..its amazing. The best is this chick, the first female filmmaker Alice Guy-Blache. She was the first one to advocate underacting...and the idea that cinema, unlike the theater, demanded a more subdued style of acting. She and her husband were immigrants and she made this film called "Making an American Citizen"...it came out in 1912 and its amazing...you should youtube it if you get the chance. I thought it was hysterical...yes, over the top, but so poignant and perceptive considering the year it was released and the political climate in America at the time...melting pot that it was....and is of course. The other one i loved was "Princess Nicotine; or, The Smoke Fairy", which was made by J. Stuart Blackton in 1909 and its amazing too. If you do youtube it, remember the year and where technology was and that they were cutting with cutting boards and not computers. WOW. Sorry about the ramble. I think i get manic when i'm exposed to new movies....just too excited. I'm glad we went though...at least i got my mind off of things. I did not think about my impending glory or doom for an entire 2 hours....impressive huh? I ate the yogurt already, this morning, over the course of 3 hours....i just carried it around the house with me finding different things to do and then forgetting about the yogurt. So i still need to eat the peanut butter and apple. I'm feeling sneaky though, so i might just not and say i did! Goodnight little ladies!!!!!

LIMBO

Hey guys...first off, THANK YOU ALL soooo much for the wonderful posts. It really amazes me how wonderfully this blog substitutes for not having any friends. I know it sounds kinda pathetic...that i don't really have friends...but any friends i ever did have just got "concerned" or turned me in to a guidance councilor or spread rumors about me. I just need to preface this post by saying how grateful i am for you all! That being said...i am in utter and complete disarray. Still no call from the agent or the studio...but if you think about it...it sort of makes sense. The tests they did on Sunday have to go through a huge line of producers and studio execs before the final decision can be made. So I just have to try and live my life and NOT think about this monumental thing that COULD happen very very soon. 

Yesterday was ridiculous. Like...it was an entire day of me jumping from the couch to the elliptical to the couch to the elliptical. You seeeee....my dad bought me this 300 dollar, used elliptical on Craigs list so i could get in some Cardio without having to actually go to the gym. Its been really useful...especially yesterday. I went to the 7/11...the worst mistake a girl can ever make...and raided the candy aisle. I spent, like, 5o bucks on crap there and brought it all home with me. I then put on "Princess Bride" and ate...like, the worst binge i've had in months. But i actually felt pretty savvy about it. My dad and i have a no purge rule. He lets me do what i want and helps me in any way he can as long as there's no purging involved. So of course, going into this binge, i know the rules and i know my dad is always home and will hear me if i vomit...so i didnt. Instead, i would eat each item....like, a packet of cookies...and read the total caloric intake, which was 400 calories, and then i'd hop on the elliptical and not let myself off until i had burned 400 calories...then i'd get off and pick another item of junk-food. Let me tell you, by the time my binge hit 1100 calories i was so tired i couldn't even chew anymore. What a glorious way to spend a day. I didn't lose any weight doing it, but i also didn't gain...so it was a  successful binge....but my head spun all night...even after i'd fallen asleep i felt like i was in one of those spinning tea cups. So i'm not gonna do it again today...which i why i decided to start the day with a post...and clear my head a little bit. 

I haven't mentioned J in a bit....but she hasn't really left my head. Part of me feels like...i know if i get this part, i'll get J too....so its like this double win. And i'll get her in this very platonic, safe way. She'll be my coach...and i can lean on her...and look at her and stare into her eyes. If i get the role we can keep playing the fun cat and mouse game that i guess i enjoy....And if i don't get the part....and i want to see her again, i'd have to actually do something. I'd have to call her and arrange something that would be really awkward and weird. I don't know...i keep associating J with this role and also with gayness and adulthood and losing my dad. I want to have an affair with her, i do...i've sort of settled this in my head....but it has to be an affair and not EVER a relationship. Because there's just too much at stake and losing my dad would be an absolute NIGHTMARE. ok ok ok, i need to focus on the work, on the task at hand. Tomorrow i have a modeling gig so i will actually go to the gym today and do some strength training, and then i will watch a movie and go to bed and i will eat a yogurt (110 cal) pre workout and have an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for dinner and that will be ALL. You girls are wonderful, keep faith and remember that we're all in it to win it!!!!!

Callback

Oh god...i just got home and immediately am writing a post...thats how much i A) Love you guys and know you are all rooting for me...and B) Just need to talk to SOMEONE about all this crappppp!!!!! My dad is sort of the quiet type if you know what i mean. 

Ok....back to today. Scale said 113 this morning...holy SHIT BALLS OF JOY!!!!!! Got off scale sure that it was an omen that things were looking up. The clouds had parted and the sun was peaking through and smiling down on me! I got dressed and ate a power bar so i would be fully with it and got in the car. We got to the studio and got our drive on pass and went to the bungalow same as before, but this time one of the producers met us at our car. He shook my dads hand and put his arm around my shoulders giving them a little squeeze. It was TRES odd! I hate older men...don't know why....but i hate them and unfortunately they totally run this town. We all walked into the bungalow together. Right before we got inside he pulled his arm off my shoulder...so i knew that L must be in there too. Inside the bungalow was a fo-living room set with three cameras on tripods filming different sections of the room. Again, behind the camera's sat the producers...and on a big tall directors chair sat...guess WHO!!! the director.

He saw me and smiled brightly...which i could tell pissed L off. I've me L at a few functions before this and she's not really the nicest girl. I mean...there's no hype about her being a bitch or anything, at least that i've heard and let me tell you, hair and makeup people talk...but, well, she was sort of a bitch today. She didn't smile at me AT ALL....and she also rolled her eyes when K jumped up and hugged me. I LOVE K....and i have to get this part so i can play her daughter and work with someone that amazing every day!!! So the director settled us down and told us the facts...laid it all out for us. He said, yes, we were both up for the same part and that it was definitely just between the two of us now because they have to start shooting in February. He said he was going to have us each do this scene in the living room with our mother and then we were going to transition to a bedroom set and we would be doing another scene...that i had NOT been given ahead of time and was thus def not prepared for, with each other...yes L and I would be doing the scene between the lead and her best friend. I really couldn't imagine anything worse...anything more anxiety provoking. But i tried to forget about it..push it out of my mind at least so i could nail the first scene first. Which i think i did...K and i worked really well together...we just flowed seamlessly and i know she likes me better because i watched her scene with L, i was sure they'd make me leave the room, but they didn't and L watched mine....very unorthodox. But K just seemed to have more fun during our run through. 

After that we were given a couple hours for lunch during which we could look over the sides and get ready for the next scene. My dad and i found a quiet bench outside of one of the dining halls and ran lines the entire time. I did NO beat breakdowns or anything like that...i just HAD to get it memorized. I feel like thats the trick with things...no matter how good you are or how well you have prepared, if you have a script in your hand it looks like your acting. So after the 2 hours we went back and the bungalow set was gone and now there was a single camera and a bed and that was it....empty otherwise. The living room set had been really grand and decorative...but this was literally just a bed...so i plopped down and waited for him to tell me who i would be playing first. L got up from her chair by the craft services...she actually ate lunch which made me feel superior for, like, a half a second. The director asked her to read the lead first which freaked me out completely and convinced me that she would be cast. So i sucked it up and did the best i could at the friend...and i thought i did a passable job. Then we switched and i was thinking, here we go...this is it...you break it or make it right now. And the stress and buildup of the moment was really overwhelming and i started to cry...like, actual tears came out of my eyes...but instead of freaking out, i just turned to L and said my first line. She looked really shocked, but kept going. And even though my character wasn't freaking out about anything...she was upset at her friend...and the tears helped. Like, they fit...WELL....it worked really well and when it was over, i quickly smiled and wiped my eyes proudly, a final sell! The director clapped...which he didn't do for L, and my heart was pounding crazy fast. My dad was all smiles so i knew i'd done good. Then the producer...the main one i guess, clapped his hands together and said, ok, thats it for today ladies. We'll be getting back to you shortly. UGHHHHH, MORE FUCKING WAITING. I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T KNOW SOON. Doesn't he get that my life is hanging on the brink of his stupid decision? How can they be so cruel? 

ooooh, but before we went to lunch, i did get to watch playback of both our scenes with K....and let me tell you, L did an amazing job...like spot on perfect. And mine was really good, but not quite as polished which freaks me out to no end. But i also noticed how...and i'm not making this up...but L is a little rounder in the rear then I am....and K is super slender...like as skinny as me but 15 years older, crazy! plus, like i said before, we sort of have the same look, like...just simple and adorable. And L is GORGEOUS, but not cute...at all. She's also got a different bone structure then us. Oh god, what if i am making all of this up to make myself feel better....god, i need to stop breaking all of this down...i do, i just need to STOP!!! Please comment, i need to read good things and be distracted. -by the way, thank you all soooo much for your posts and interest in my life!!! I have NEVER been able to talk or write this freely before. THANK YOU!!!!!! :)

FYI

Yo, so you want to know abt the IV fluids. My dad administers them, not me. It's a basic saline drip...he gets them by prescription at the hospital pharmacy at our neighboring hospital. It's the same stuff they give you if you go to the hospital with a stomach flu and you r dehydrated, sugar water. So at the very least, each day, i intake a substantial amount of water and sugar to keep my electrolytes and blood sugar balanced...to some extent. The doctor at the hospital i was last stashed in showed my dad how to set up a line, and now he does it like a pro. We stick to the veins in my feet. it'll work in almost any metacarpal vein...but if you have too many dots in certain places, people start to ask drug questions. Plus, its easier to see veins on your feet then on your arms. Dad checked me out of the hospital that last time because i was so miserable i wanted to kill myself...i just explained that this was my choice and it was sustainable and that all i wanted to do was act and he didn't freak out...it was the first hospitalization since my over-dramatic, self indulgent mother has been out of the picture....so he just took me home and we make it work. I mean, i've all but completely stopped puking and i do what he says...he isn't the enemy anymore which makes life oddly easier.

Auditon Day

So yesterday was the big day...the BIG DAY. I don't really know where to start, so i'll begin with the scale because thats how my day started. Remember now that all day Thursday i injested no calories other then IV fluids....so i got on the scale and it read 114...which is my all time low...ever...well, since i was in my early teens!!!!! So it began as a wonderful day! I had a protein bar in the car on the way to the auditions so i would have maximum energy for the audition. We got there and got our studio drive on pass and parked right next to the bungalows that house all of the executive producers. The first Bungalow we went into was, like, a giant, hollow waiting room. There was no one else there though...most likely because this is a high profile show and they are also likely auditioning some names for it, so they'd never make people wait together like they do in cattle calls.  So some lady came in and brought my dad a coffee and me a water and then we waited...like 15 minutes and they brought me into the next bungalow over. It was sort of hollow also, but it had a camera set up and being manned by a guy, a row of men behind tables and clipboards beside the camera. In front of the camera, though, was K.....now, i can say very little about K...her name does not begin with the letter K as J's does....but i feel that anonymity is most crucial at this juncture as K is super famous and I almost passed out seeing her there because i know that we're reading the mother/daughter scene and thus my wonderful powers of deduction....I WAS GONNA GET TO ACT WITH K!!!! Killer!!!! ok, so i got up there, everyone was super nice to me, including K. One of the producers said to go ahead and start whenever i was read, so i took a really deep breath and i started and it rocked. K is a super giving actor....she made great eye contact and every emotional shift i took, she was right there with me. God I hope she's already cast...i mean, she wouldn't have been in there at all if i wasn't already cast, right?? Ok, so when we finished they all clapped and the director was smiling the brightest of all of them, which we all know is a good sign, and then they said thank you and that was it. Can you believe it, no second reading, nothing...ahhhhhh!!!!! My heart was going about  a billion miles a minute but i smiled and said thank you and left. 

So i had only been there an hour right....it wasnt a late audition or anything like that but i couldn't write a blog....everything was way too up in the air and i was freaking out and the uncertainty was KILLING me...so guess what i did....i called J....I'm an idiot. And i told my dad i was going for a run and i had J pick me up at the basketball courts near my house and we went to a diner where i consumed cake....girls CAKE....DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES CAKE HAS....goodbye 114 forever. And i did it in front of J....all my willpower, everything i'd been working toward just crumbled and i ate cake including the cream cheese icing and i wanted to die. But while i was eating it, and here is the kicker ladies, while i was eating it i didnt even think about the calories...or notice them. I was fixed on J's eyes and on her voice and, i dunno...it was a trance...a very very very dangerous trance. 

So after the cake J took me home and when i got in the house my dad didnt notice at all that i had no sweat on me....from my supposed run, because he'd gotten a call from the agent...well, and the studio. 

They want me back for a callback...YESSSS!!! So that's the good news. K loved me and found me adorable and the producers like me also...but here comes the bad news. There's someone else up for my role, and that someone is a name someone which i am NOT. We'll call her L. So L apparently read today too, was one of the short listed girls....i guess the entire show has been cast except for this part and they brought in 6 girls today and now its narrowed down to 2...thank GOD i'm one of them. But here's the thing...when i walked into the room with K back at the bungalow...i remember thinking how much we actually did sort of look alike...and i was like, good on you producers for pairing us together...but if K is ACTUALLY already cast as the mother, then it should be me...right? I mean, i know L...you guys, well, some of you, probably know who L is also, and she looks NOTHING like me....or K. Like, completely different coloring...different hair, so what are they thinking. I guess there's always hair dye or extensions but fuck. Ok, the callback is tomorrow, Sunday, and i have to be ready. So i will eat nothing today...NOTHING. I already told dad i was gonna do IV fluids today and he seemed fine with that, so that cake WILL be a thing of the past by tomorrow...it has to be. Oh my god, i don't think i've ever wanted anything this badly before. Please wish me luck and keep all of your fingers and toes crossed tomorrow!!!!! thanks girlies!!!!

will this day never end

OK, its about 5pm now and this is officially the SLOWEST fucking day known to man. No J, so no movement at all...plus my dad said i shouldn't look dead for my audition tomorrow...so no workout at all today or tomorrow which PETRIFIES ME. But whatev, its for my career and dad is right, its more important. 

I have also weighed myself every hour on the hour since i woke up at 7 this morning. The scale has told a very uneventful story all day that i won't pass on to you at the moment. I've also been WAY more obsessed with food all day, prob cause of the lack of exercise or stimulus of any kind...like yesterday i was fine cause i was focused on the shoot all day. I keep sneaking down to the kitchen to check out the situation...but my dad hangs out in the den, which is right next to the kitchen, so at least i'm being monitored. I broke down at 2pm and told him i didn't think i could eat anything because i was freaking out and wouldn't be able to stop so i have an iv with lunch and dinner in it hanging next to me right now. I know they use these things in the hospital and it sucks and all, but they really do rock if you don't even want the temptation of food or sugar on your lips at ALL. So thats my day so far. The audition is tomorrow morning at 11...i'm totally off book and ready...SO READY. I don't know who'll be there but i hope its a short list..my agent said it was a short list. Ughhhhh, i want to take something and go to sleep so today can end already. PATIENCE IS SOOOO NOT ONE OF MY VIRTUES!!! wish me luck tomorrow ladies...you are sooo all the best and your comments have been wonderful and so thought provoking!!! keep em coming! ahhhhhh, i'm gonna bounce right out of my skin in a few minutes. 

She's Giving me FACE

So It's almost 2am, i just got home from the shoot and i feel amazing. First of all, i just jumped on the scale, at the freaking END of the day, and it said 116...which is ONE pound away from my audition goal weight and i still have another day! Yesssss!!!!! I don't know if i'll be able to get to sleep at all tonight because i did no exercise and everything coming up is just way way way too exciting. 

The shoot went great, i was posing and moving and i felt like, really hungry and limp and gangly and the photographer loved it and kept yelling out at me, "she's giving me face" and then he'd turn around and smile and wink at my dad, which i found OOBER creepy! but whatev, he's happy, he liked me, he'll tell others and there is now going to be an ad with me in a gorgeous gown in magazines. The ONLY bad part of the shoot was, when i got there, i had to get into the gown first so hair could work around it, and as i predicted, it was a little loose, (ladies, i had to feign an apologetic look, but i was RIDICULOUSLY happy and vindicated)...she bitched loud though and that was an embarrassing way to start a shoot, so that sucked...but hey, you have to deal with some crappy people to make amazing things!!! Tomorrow is going to be so strange and dull...nothing at all to do. Hmmmm, perhaps i shall spend my day reading blogs since i've had such little time to do so....and i will not think of, call, or fantasize about J, because my career is way too fucking important to throw away because i harbor romantic feelings for a chick...i can get over it...i can....can't i???

Why am i an idiot???

Sorry i didn't write last night gals, but J killed me, and once again i barely got out of the shower before i was asleep. I think the thing i like about our "nine to fives" the best is that by the time i get home, i just have NO desire to eat anymore. I'd say that nighttime is usually my hardest time of day...because its so easy to be good all day, and then night comes around and i'll put in a movie or smoke some weed (which i can't do anymore because when i do i almost always give in to some sort of crap food). Night time is just crappy and I really hope i get this role because then i could get the studio to pay for weekly sessions with J and i could go to bed starving every night...and wake up feeling elated!!! 

  So, back to J...i have to get all of this out in 45 minutes because of the commercial shoot...the one with the gown i mentioned in my previous post...i'll tell you all about it later tonight or tomorrow morning!...ok, back to J. So when i got to the gym it was wicked early and i was still pretty exhausted...though the adderal had begun to kick in and i wasn't like, falling over or anything. J was standing outside waiting for me in this form-fitted spandex suit that NO ONE else on the planet should wear...but on J it looked incredible! She gave me a quick once over...and then we hugged...which lasted a while...i'm not sure if it was a real hug or a bone count...but either way being in her arms felt amazing. God, Hana, i think its true, i'm gay....what a weird realization to have over blog. I'm not sure how i'm supposed to handle this, but i'm doing my best....and the best part of the day is yet to come so i'll keep going. Ok, so we went into the gym and she put me on the treadmill to warm up. Then we did a bunch of floor exercises, squats, push ups, planks etc....and every time i'd change positions, J would come down next to me and sort of run her hands down the sides of my body, aligning me properly i think. I mean, its something i see trainers do often...but this was on every new set...she'd start under my arms and just run down to my outer thighs. I'd get chills EVERY time and I'm sure she noticed the shiver at least once...because at 2, when she insisted we break for lunch, instead of going to the cafe in the gym, she grabbed her car keys and pulled me into her car, and really without saying much, we sped off. She took me to a dive bar on Sunset and we sat at the bar, and she ordered me a Ceasar salad with the dressing on the side, and she ordered a burger for herself (she knows my dad would be livid if she made me eat a burger). When the salad came i picked at it and she watched, with this look of concern that i would have fucking hated on anyone else...but everything she does and every look she makes seems to melt the hate right out of me. When she was done and i clearly wasn't going to eat anymore, she ran her hand down my arm, smiled and said "you don't have to do this you know"---and i wasn't sure what she was talking about exactly...i mean, the role or the starving or the exercise. So i pulled my arm away and said "i do". And she actually smiled, like it was the answer she wanted. So we got up, got back in her car and went back to the gym for some more grueling exhaustion. And she continued doing the stroke thing to my side, almost all day. Then, when we finally finished and it was time for me to go, she was like, packing her gym bag up and i was chugging down water after my last set and she said, hey "my name" you wanna go to D's? Which is a very trendy club in West Hollywood that i've never been to because, well, i have no reason, just never been there. But i said no...mostly because i was so tired...but also because i'm pretty sure J is into me now...or i damn sure hope she is...but i don't know what my dad would say...and then my actual commercial agent...i don't know what she'd say...there are just a lot of stupid people who's faces suddenly popped into my head when she asked...and all the faces were saying things about my reputation and about booking roles in this town...and i blanked and i said no and now i hate myself because i don't get to see her again until after the audition on friday...UGHHHHH WHY ME??? OK...pulling myself together....i somehow managed to start crying while typing and i sooo have to look pretty for this shoot today. I have two lines but mostly i think they want me swooshing around in the dress...i dunno, i'll tell you more about it tonight, or tomorrow if it takes a shit long time! Peace out ladies...and wish me luck!

before bed

Ok, back at the house doing one last blog before my full day with J tomorrow. Unfortunately for me, she was out today and had her friend R sub in...sucked my balls!!!!!! I really missed her...but luckily i have tomorrow to think about and there's no way she'd bail on a "nine-to-five" as she calls our long days. Gonna go to bed so i don't think too much about the scale tomorrow and how badly it has to say something good. Luckily on Wednesday i have a commercial shoot i booked two weeks ago. Can't say what its for but the dress fitting was 9 days ago and i hope i still fit into the gown because that was 4 pounds ago...but i guess skinnier is hella better then fatter right girls! thanks so much for the amazing words of encouragement, you are wonderful as is this underground world of ours! 

Pllleeaasse let the 23rd never come

OK, so i just have to say, having an ACTUAL reason to starve myself that the rest of the world/film industry deems legitimate is like fucking gold!!! I went to my acting coach this morning to work on my audition...the one i havent been able to shut up about because i'm so excited....and she told me how proud she is of me and how my will power makes her thing of Renee Zellweger, and how i could really make it in the business from what she's seen. She made me stand up in front of her and do a couple of turn so she could analyze my body. She smiled so big and said...wow "my name" i can't believe how much weight you've lost in two weeks. And then she went straight to business and we worked those lines till they were balls of dough in my hands. But no matter what else she said to me, the entire session, all i heard was what she said at the beginning of the session...about my will power! 

  Ok, back to everything else...i havent eaten solid food in 4 days now...which is fantastic. I got on the scale today and was 117, which is only 2 pounds away from my goal audition weight...but now i'm wondering if i can get to 113 before the big day...if i get another colonic or something...i dunno. I guess the body can only burn so much so fast...ughhhh!

  I have another session with J tomorrow and i can't wait for that. I can't quite get her out of my head. Its so weird...i really had started to fancy myself as Asexual...but then the other day, her hands were on my hip bones and that look of concern plastered over her tough but gorgeously chiseled face...and my heart just started to pound and i got this burning sensation in my chest and i just wanted to kiss her. God, if i am gay...that would kill my dad. I mean, he'd be crazed i think. Oh well, a girl can have her fantasy life right...i just won't tell him!

     My mom called last night...she's abroad at the moment...not really that interested in me or my dad anymore. She's kind of that type of a person, i learned it from her. She just DOES NOT CARE about anyone but herself...and i used to hate her for it...but now i admire it about her. I mean, she's never racked with guilt over missing a birthday or forgetting something important to someone she loves...she's completely anxiety free. It's amazing. I totally see why my dad fell for her. But i also understand why he had custody all those years...even though i would have given anything to quit school and go galavanting around the globe with her. Whatever. When things are going this well, its easy not to care. 

Ok, here's the plan...i'm gonna finish this post, sign off, go workout with J for 4 hours (maybe figure out if i'm gay or not), get a facial peel, come home....do facial peel...possibly post again, work on my lines.....hmmmm....then go to bed...and thats it. Ok, energy levels are high...just gotta keep it up! I totally don't want the 23rd to ever come. This is a wonderful way to live.

workout with J

Ughhh, i couldn't write last night because by the time i got home from my workout with J i barely made it to the bed before i passed out. It was amazing. I have NEVER worked out that hard before. My dad dropped me off at the gym to meet J at 9am and i got home at 7pm, like walking death. Only downside, J is not a pro ana advocate...so i had to eat. ON the upside, my dad did explain the part i'm up for and how its very important that my body is a weight burning machine right now. J gave me a lot of looks today...concerned looks that just fueled me and confirmed that i am looking thinner and that i possibly have a shot at this part after all! I explained to J that i really really needed exercises that would flatten my chest out. It's been getting smaller the past week, significantly smaller. My A bra is no longer necessary AT ALL (I am really proud of this fact because i haven't gone without a bras since i actually WAS 15). So this is a very very good sign. She had me doing massive pushup sets and hanging from bars too elongate my torso. It was great. I really really love J, and i know you all would too, because she's a crazy nazi in the gym. She yells and inspires and gets pissed if i don't do as much as she knows i'm capable of. I love it. I would follow her to the moon if she told me too! In fact, i havent really been attracted to anyone in a long fucking long time...so maybe i'm gay and i have a crush on J...that would be interesting. Ok, not gonna focus on my possibly ambiguous sexuality right now...i have to get these lines down for the audition. 

It's a fucking amazing part...i've been reading the pilot over and over again and i'm obsessed. I shouldn't give it away, but i'll give you some small things. I get to play this teen, abused by her mom and sent to live with her dad in a very Heidi-esq little town in the mountains. The producers are refusing to work with an actual teenager and my agent says i'm on the top of the list for this one...so my chances are hugeeee!!! 

Ahhhh, i'm just so fucking excited...which is making me not hungry AT ALL, so its wonderful...WONDERFUL!!! Dad and i are going to the spas tomorrow morning so i can get a colonic and he can get a massage. That should take off another pound or so before the big day. I just feel ridiculously lucky to have such an amazing dad who is so willing to put his life on hold to help me. And such supportive friends.

Ok, i haveeee to be off book by tomorrow so i can go to my acting coach ready and determined!!! Wish me massive amounts of luck...pllleaaassseee!!!! I will be 115 by my audition...and 110 before we start filming....yessss!!! 

119 and a fuck

Ughhh, so i'm starting this blog because i don't know what else to do. I'm a huge fan of Ana Regzig...she's just so eloquent and prolific and reading her blog is always so cathartic for me, especially on bad days like today, but she hasn't written in ages, thus my new blog. I live in LA, the city where dreams are made, but damn its a tough city to work in as an actor. I wonder all the time if i should just pack it up and go back to New York. Unfortunately work is super tight right now and i couldnt even afford to go back to NY if i wanted to. Not to mention my modeling agent just sat me down and gave me the "we can't be your parents out here" speech. She basically said that if i don't start eating or hiding the fact that i'm not eating better, she's gonna drop me. 

I know exactly why it happened though. Last week i was modeling a runway show and i was just super edgy because i'd been fasting 2 days prior, and there was this little midget man running around with a plate of crust-inis with mozzarella on them, and my eyes just fixed on them the minute they came in the room...i couldn't help myself and i grabbed one and shoved it into my mouth in this really grotesque, animalistic way. And when i finally swallowed i looked up and saw 4 bitches staring at me with the look...the, ooooh, she cracked...finally look. 

Whatever, i felt so disgusting after that, i didn't even go near the water dispensers for the rest of the show. I wouldn't have anyway though, my dad always brings this huge bucket of water to the runway shows. He usually looks out for me when there's food there too, diverting my attention, or pulling me out of the room to get air. He was in the bathroom though, and my hand had a life of its own. Ughhh, i didn't tell him either, which made me feel way more guilty. 

So i got the fucking talk from an enormously fat bitch who drinks large saucers of coffee all day packed with creamers and sugars galore. My dad calls her the office cow...which he thinks is super funny. Damn i hope he doesn't find this blog, he'd kill me, absolutely fucking kill me. I used a new email account and i didn't provide any personal information. He's obsessed with my career right now...which is great because he deals with my agents and all the dramatic bullshit i'd have to deal with...but it gets annoying when he micro manages every minute of my life. I had an audition two days ago for a really awesome tv pilot that i'd be perfect for...absolutely perfect, and he wouldn't even let me go in for the part. He said it wasn't the direction we wanted to go in. And you know what i did...nope, i did not fucking call child-protective services because i'm 22 and an adult who is exploiting her father for free labor...not a child naively being led around by a stage parent. So i accent the crap i get from him for the glory it reaps. 

Ok, no more eating for the rest of the week. I have an audition at the WB on the 23rd which gives me 5 days to get down to 115. I'm supposed to be auditioning for the part of a 15 year old, so the less i have on me the better. Plus, when i feel empty, i feel smaller, so it'll be easier to get into the character of someone meek and young. My dad got me some adder-al to help out, just for these few days. I don't use them often, just when a big part is coming up thats a lot younger then my actual age....you'd be amazed at how skinny these producers think 15 year olds are...i mean, i was in high school not too long ago...and there were fucking few non-ana girls as skinny as i am now. Fuck this industry man...but you gotta love it!!! Ok, wish me luck....its time to go be diligent!!!!! I'll try to write again tomorrow!!!!