Oscar Day

Hey ladies...sorry for the delays again. Things are just happening so quickly and i never seem to be alone anymore...which sorta sucks. I miss my computer time...but hey, once the show raps i'll have nothing to do again and be super depressed and write posts every 4 hours.

Being on set with B is now the lamest thing ever. We are NOT friends...we are awkward and uncomfortable and i dislike it. Unfortunately, i am being paid an exorbitant fee to tolerate and be around B daily...so i must learn to deal. Poop. Ok, soooo, yesterday was the 9 to 5 and i woke up this morning at 108...because i ate NOTHING yesterday and burned well over 2000 calories. She kicks my ass in that gym and i just smile bigger the harder it gets. I love it when it hurts...i love it when it hurts and she's crouched next to me with this sick "i love it when it hurts too" smile on her face, egging me on "just two more sets [my name], push through it." So the workout was relatively formal considering how close i feel we've gotten...no asking out for later, no lunch out of the gym. So i realized at about 3 that i was gonna have to ask her to do something. So at 5 i was stretching on the mats, she was helping me stretch (nothing is even close to as sensual as being stretched out by someone you're into)...i asked her to a movie. She said yes and asked when...and i said, "how about tonight?" and she said yes. So i told her, i don't have a car at the moment, but my dad can drop me off, or we can meet somewhere. But she just calmly told me she'd pick me up...which is wicked because she drives a black jag and I lovveeeee JAGS!!!! I suggested "The Wrestler", but only because i fucking obsessively stalk the oscars and i needed to catch up on my nominees, but she was really into it and apparently had been wanting to see that movie for a while. So J picks me up at 6 for a 7 o'clock movie and we drove out there, to downtown Burbank....and we walked around on the lovely cobblestone like downtown area they have in Burbank. We didn't hold hands or anything....just rubbed arms sorta as we walked. Went into a candy shop...she got a huge HUGE bag of gummy things that i made a mental note not to touch (tough for me cause i love gummy things and i always overeat them because i associate them with no fat...from the days before i realized calories were just as bad as fat) and then we went over to the movies. I rushed in front of her...possibly too abruptly...but i really wanted to pay for the tickets so she'd know it was a date...and so she'd know i knew it was a date too. So i paid for the tickets, and she stood aside smiling. Why is she so pretty??Why why why? I kinda wish i looked like J sometimes. Like, so strong and together and fit...like, not an ounce of fat on her body, pure muscle, but not bulky or gross, just slender long muscles. She just looks so strong and confident all the time...even watching me buy our tickets. So we went in....found good seats in the middle, watched the movie, LOVED the movie, left the movie...walked to the car...this time hands grazing each other much more blatantly, until i sucked it up and just grabbed her hand...she didn't even look up, she just opened her hand and closed it around mine. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. We got to the car, got in...she said, where to? I shrugged...not entirely sure what she wanted me to say at that point. So she suggested we go to a park and play on the jungle gym. We did...and i felt 12 and it was pretty great. At the park we took off our shoes and went running around, going down the slide and playing on the swings. When we were on the swings she kissed me. It wasn't like a big, french, all over the place kiss...it was a planted, intense, intentional kiss. After the kiss she asked if i wanted to see her place...which was what i wanted...100000% wanted to see her place...but i wasn't sure if i should, which is really retarded in retrospect because duh i should....why the fuck shouldnt i?  But i just am the kind of person who doubts every fucking decision i make...i'm a loser. So i said....can we do it another night. And she seemed fine with that...but i wasn't...i was really really pissed at myself for not just saying yes and getting what i've been wanting...finaly. But then she asked me what i was doing for the oscars, and i said nothing...just hanging out at home placing bets with my dad like usual (didn't include the dad part to her...trying very hard to be cool here)...so she said she always has a little party for the oscars at her place and would i like to come. I said yes...I HATE PARTIES....but i said yes. So now i'm pretty miserable about the fact that tonight, one of my favorite events of the year is a red zone night....pretty fucking miserable. But the plus side is that the oscars start at 5pm out here and will be over relatively early..and maybe party people will leave...and i won't...and then maybe.....

ughhh, i'm hopeless. At least i'm 108 for the party...i will take my solace in that. Please ladies, please cross your fingers and toes that i have the balls to make a move tonight. I will not eat a thing at the party, i have already decided this. I'm pretty good at completely avoiding food...i'm no good at having just a little. Its all or nothing...hmmm, life is sorta that way too, all or nothing. OK, off to plan clothing for tonight...fucking people everywhere like blood thirsty leaches...gotta be prepared!!!! peace out little ladies, stay in it to win it :)